


The Speedster's Wife

by GrittyReboot



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: F/M, Romance, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-04-09 18:30:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 58,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4359710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrittyReboot/pseuds/GrittyReboot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Barry Allen doesn't just disappear for a month without coming back, without even a sign. Barry Allen is never on time but he's always there when I need him most, how could he not be here now that I need him more than I ever have?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Twins are asleep, dishes have been washed and put away, husband's still missing. Picked up the dry cleaning, gave dad a call, bought dog food because dad never remembers, sent tomorrow morning's issue to the printer. 500,000 copies, our lowest circulation since before the crisis. That was over a month ago and The Flash is still missing. Barry Allen. Still goddamned missing.

When did I become this? I never used to be the kind of adult who'd knock back whiskey in the middle of the night over a scattered pile of documents. I always wanted to follow in my dad's footsteps, never anticipated the downsides. It was an unusual turn of events that led to the father of my kids getting sucked out of existence, but any cop's wife who lost a husband can imagine how I feel right now. I haven't slept right in a month, I'm running out of things to tell the Twins. My ass is getting fatter by the day, I was always skinny so the extra pounds probably don't matter much in the grand scheme of things, still. I miss my husband. I miss him so much I could cry. I have cried.

None of these charts and graphs that Cisco sent me make much sense anymore. I know Barry disappeared into the singularity, along with that yellow suited bastard. It was the only way to end him once and for all, to keep us safe, he said. Everything was always about keeping me safe. I would have gladly taken his place. He was the potential savior of the world, I'm just a run of the mill newswoman with no powers and a fat ass, why was my life worth more than his? Who was he to make that call? 

"Mommy?" Dawn hasn't slept well since that night either, Don sleeps too much. He used to play, he used to go outside. Once school starts back I'll get on his case more, for now I'm grateful one of us can sleep.

"Hey kiddo," I say, trying to force a smile in her direction. "What are you doing up so late?"

"I had another dream, about daddy."

I think they have those a lot, it's why Dawn doesn't sleep and Don can't stop. I don't dream about much of anything anymore. I wish I could.

"Did you want some hot chocolate munchkin?" she shakes her head. She hated Barry's hot chocolate, he always put in either too much syrup or too little, he could never get the formula right. Now I think she'd kill for a cup if he was here to make it.

"Tea, water, maybe a story?"

"Can I stay up?"

If it weren't still summer, and her dad weren't missing, I may have protested. Now I kind of want the company. I pat the seat next to me and she hops up onto it. She has Barry's eyes, it's like he's staring at me through her. I reach out and spring one of her curls like a piggy's tail. That used to make her laugh. It doesn't anymore. 

"Daddy's dead isn't he?" she says. We don't know that, we have no way of knowing that. Cisco said that a singularity could lead to anywhere, including my very much alive husband, just waiting out there for me to find him.

"Don't say that," I say kneeling in front of her. I feel a little like I'm trying to get her to believe in Santa again. "Your father is out there somewhere, I know it, he always comes back for us."

She's small and warm in my arms, I try not to let her hear me sniffle, even though she's sniffling too. We just stay like that for a few minutes until were done, then we break apart. I sit with her on the couch and we watch Cosmos, she loves it, she says Neil DeGrasse Tyson talks like daddy talks. I like it too, I've probably watched the series beginning to end five times now and I learn something new every time. I made a Giordano Bruno reference the other day at Picture News, Barry would have been so proud. 

Dawn finally falls asleep but I keep watching, wishing Barry were here with me so we could watch it together. I put the afghan over Dawn and shut the TV off when I start to nod off. I can't nod off, I have to go through Cisco's charts again, pretend I might find something new this time. I won't, still I go through them until I can't stay awake anymore.  
***  
Cooked breakfast, dropped the twins off at Wally's, went to work, had lunch with dad at the precinct, went back to work, husband's still missing. When is he going to come back? When will this nightmare be over? Barry Allen doesn't just disappear for a month without coming back, without even a sign. Barry Allen is never on time but he's always there when I need him most, how could he not be here now that I need him more than I ever have? Anyone on the outside looking in might think I'm doing just fine, or fine as I can be. The kids are taken care of, I'm captaining the ship admirably at Picture News, youngest editor in chief since 1954. 

My hair could be better, I have a soccer mom bob and it's fuzzy at the temples. I could start wearing make up again too. I'm 36 and I look 36, I could pass for 28 earlier this year. I don't see what the point of passing for 28 is anymore though, it's not like I have anyone to impress. I miss my husband, I miss him deep down in my bones. I wonder if he misses me too, if he even can miss me. I hope he can. I hope he pictures me the way I was before he was gone. I always smiled, my nails were always done, I looked 28.

When I pick up the kids Wally says they didn't give him any trouble, he almost seemed disappointed. They used to give him all kinds of trouble, especially back when they first discovered their powers. They'd zip around the room, making a mess of papers and knocking over chairs. They haven't used their powers since that day. They say they've forgotten how. 

They turn six next month. They haven't brought it up. I haven't either. I'll buy them both gifts and maybe a little cake, invite dad and Wally over, just a small thing. 

I miss Barry

I miss Barry so much I can't take it

I miss you

Please come home baby, please. 

I need you, can't you see how much I need you?

I put the kids to bed, tell them I love them more than flowers love the sun, more than fish love water. I do, I love them so much it's the only thing that keeps me from crumbling into 1,000 pieces.

I have a drink, then another. I drink too much, I never used to drink this much. I have another and I start to feel warm all over, like how I felt the first time he kissed me, the first time and the last time.

It's late. I should be sleeping but I can't sleep. I can never sleep. I try and I roll into the empty space next to me and I wake up because I'm reminded why that space is empty.  
I want another drink but the bottle is empty too. I cry instead. That's when I hear it. 

That sound, that whooshing sound that I haven't heard in this house in over a month. I try not to be excited, I can't get my hopes up. It's probably Wally, I probably forgot something at his house. He makes the same whooshing sound that Barry does.

I follow the noise, slowly, cautiously, like whoever whooshed into my kitchen will disappear if I move too fast. 

He's standing with his back toward me, his cowl up. Upon first sight his suit looks a lot like Wally's, but it's not his, it's darker, and the lightning bolts at the back have the same pattern as Barry's suit, pointing down, not up.

"Barry?" I say, more like a whisper. And he pulls his cowl down as he turns around to face me. My vision is blurred with the moisture gathering in my eyes, but I know it's him. It's my husband, my beautiful, perfect dork husband. I want to run into his arms, bury myself into his embrace until I become him, I never want to let him go, not for as long as I live, but as soon as I start up to him, I stop.

"Iris?" He says like he can't quite figure out what's different about me, but I know immediately what's different about him. This isn't my husband. It's Barry Allen, no question, but it's not my husband, not yet anyway.

"Where are you from?" I ask, trying not to let my voice break. This has happened before a couple of times. I shouldn't be surprised that its happening now, not after everything that's led up to it, but somehow I am. Once he ended up back when I was a little girl. When he came to see me I remember thinking he was weird and sort of cute, and I drew a picture of him in crayon that I found years later. Once I remembered it was like I never forgot it. Now it's happening again, Barry is lost in time, how many years I don't know, he looks 25, maybe younger, maybe older. "Better question, when are you from?"

"2016," he says, of course, that was probably a stupid question. I just had to make sure. "What year is this?"

"2024," I say.

He sinks down into the closest chair. 2016, he's from 2016. He dated Patty Spivot in 2016, they were happy. He still doesn't know that they aren't going to stay that way. He still doesn't know a lot of things. I can't tell him, if he knows too much about the future he could accidentally destroy it. He has to get out of here, he has to get back to his own time. I shouldn't say another word, shouldn't make another move.

"Barry," I say, my face finally crumpling. I fall onto his lap, holding him close because I haven't in so long, and he holds me back, tells me it's okay, that everything's okay. Nothing's okay. The man in my arms isn't my husband, but he is my Barry, and I never want to stop holding him. He could live here, in 2024 with me, and the twins, and we could start fresh and be happy. That wouldn't work though, I know enough about time travel to know that wouldn't work at all.

"You're here," I say again, studying his face, running my thumb over his lips, combing his hair behind his ears.

"We're married, in this time, you and me are married aren't we?" he says. I nod.

"And this is after, after I disappear," I nod again.

His face is sad. I want to kiss him, I know I shouldn't, but I want to.

"How did you get here?" I ask

He tells me. He was trying to run a nuclear bomb out of the city, he dropped it in the pacific and bolted for home, but ended up in 2024 instead. He still doesn't have quite a handle on his powers in 2016.

"You have to go back," I tell him, it kills me to say it, but it's true, he can't stay unless he wants to compromise the future. He knows as well as I do that he can't stay, but neither of us move, we just sit there looking at each other.

"This is you," he finally says, combing some of my soccer mom hair behind my ear.

"Yeah, having a missing husband doesn't really agree with me." It's hard to joke when I can't stop crying. He wipes a tear from my cheek.

"You're you.. you're beautiful," he says. It looks like he's going to cry too. I love him, I love him in 2016, I love him in 2024, I love him always and forever. But he has to go, the twins can't see him, he doesn't even know they exist. 

"I didn't mean to come here, I didn't want to mess anything up but...

"But what?"

He starts to get up, giving me enough time to get off of his lap first. He starts to pace the room and I wish I knew what was going on in his head.

"The byline, on the paper it hasn't changed," he says, almost like he's talking to himself. "And now I'm here and you're here and I'm your husband but... you know not really. I guess I just don't understand how I can just go back and keep pretending like things might happen differently."

"They might, if you don't get back to 2016 as soon as possible." 

"I have to find Cisco," he says. He looks like he wants to say more but can't get the words out. 

"I'll call him, it's late but I'm pretty sure this counts as an emergency."

I reach for my phone and Barry reaches for my hand, grabbing it. I look up at him, look into his eyes. He's so young.

"How long has it been, since I disappeared?" he says quietly.

"A month," I say. "And... I'm not really doing okay Bear."

He pulls me forward and hugs me close, he feels the same. Solid, warm, like home. 

"I just saw you, before I left, you weren't really doing okay then either."

2016 was the year after Eddie died, I remembered how lonely I felt, missing him, and loving Barry but not being close to ready. Things got better though, I got better. 2016 was also the year Barry kissed me the first time and I didn't want him to stop. 2016 was a good year when all was said and done, but Barry will never know that if we don't get him home. I slip my hand out of his and grab the phone and start to dial. But I can't get through all of the numbers before I realize we aren't alone.

I feel them there before I even turn my head, it's too late, they're up and there's nothing I can do. The future has been compromised, even more than before. I shouldn't have held him like I did, for so long, but I had to because he's Barry and I haven't held Barry in what feels like years. Now the kids are awake, his kids that he isn't supposed to know about for another three years.

"Hello," he says like he isn't quite sure what else to say. They just stand there, staring at him like they can't decide if he's real. I want to tell them they're dreaming, that if they go back to bed now everything will make sense in the morning, but they start to move closer, their eyes going wider, and they look like him. Dawn has his eyes, Don has his smile, and he's wearing it for the first time since their daddy disappeared.

"Daddy!" they yell in unison, coming at him with four unpredictable arms. He clearly doesn't know how to react, whether to hug them back, what to make of any of this. A second ago he was a 26 year old bachelor, now he's a father of two.

"Wait, Daddy?" He mouths to me over Dawn's shoulder. He looks panicked, like the twins are that nuclear bomb he just disposed of. It's the same look he had when we found out I was pregnant. He had so many questions, so many worries.

 _"What if they're like me, will that hurt you?"_ He asked, and it did hurt me, for awhile, but it turned out alright in the end.

 _"Should we get married?"_ he asked that too, and we did get married, when the kids were four, Dawn was the flower girl, Don was the ring bearer.

 _"What about money, where will we live?"_ We were kind of poor back then, but we had help, everyone wanted to help. 

Right now the only question that seems to be on Barry's mind is, "how the hell did this happen?" And I don't know if I have the answer he's looking for. 

Stay Tuned Folks!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I try not to think about all of the rules I'm breaking... There are so many reasons I shouldn't do this, and only one reason I have to. It's Barry.

"I missed you so much, never leave again, never ever leave again daddy," Dawn says. She's hugging his neck tight and I wonder if he can breath.

"He looks different, mom, why does he look different?" Don asks, studying Barry's nearly ten years younger face.

I'm losing control of the situation, I literally have no idea what to say. I can't tell them the truth, this is the first light that they've seen in this endless tunnel. But a lie is no good either, he has to go back no matter what I tell them. The truth, it has to be the truth.

"Okay babes you can't crowd him like that, I say, pulling them gently away. It's like they're magnets, the really strong ones you have to slide off the edge to pry free, but I get them free and hold them on either side of me so they know they're safe here, no matter what. 

"Babies, this is Barry Allen, he's from 2016, remember what I told you, how daddy can travel through time?" They nod in understanding.

"Well this is younger daddy, he ended up here by accident, now we have to find a way to get him back home." 

The look on their faces is like the worst kind of torture. It's confusion, dejection, still a little flicker of hope because no matter what year he's from, he's still theirs. He's harder to read, still speechless, just staring at their faces, trying to see something of himself in them. It's there, they were always like a little me and a little him. When it was the four of us out together there was no question, not even the bigots with their sour ass faces could deny it, we were a family.

Dawn tries to smile, she straightens her posture and holds out her hand for him, "It's very nice to meet you Barry Allen. I'm Nora Dawn Allen, I'm five and 11 12ths." He reaches out for her hand, shaking it slow. I can't quite tell but I think there's a hint of a smile forming on his face, a flicker of light. 

"You're... my daughter?" he says quietly. "I have a daughter?"

"And a son," Dawn says, looking at her brother, silently pleading with him to shake the man's hand.

Don doesn't shake his hand, he just runs back to his room.

"Don!" I go after him. "Donovan!"

"Wait," Barry says, darting ahead of me. "That's my son, and my daughter, those are my children."

"Barry you already know a lot more than you should."

"No, I mean... let me talk to him. Can I?"

The idea of Barry having a heart to heart with Don again, even if it's not technically the right Barry, makes me feel a little sliver of the joy I knew just a month ago. We weren't always happy, we fought sometimes, about Barry always being in danger, about me risking too much to get a story, about the kids using their powers too soon. And there were the big fights, the kick Barry out of the house fights. But he always came back the same way, he knocked on the door, I answered, we'd stand there for a few silent moments. It wasn't always raining but he always had that look of standing out in the rain. And I'd ask him what the hell took him so long, and we'd kiss like nothing happened. Through all the fights though, he was my constant, my always. And now he's here and I feel the way I used to for a microsecond before I remember that he isn't really him, that he still has a lot of living, loving, marrying, fathering and fighting to do before he'll be him. Still, I nod once, Don needs his father and right now, Barry is the closest thing.

I follow Barry into Don's room, Dawn clinging to my hand. He's curled up on his bed, facing the back wall. The picture we all took together at Coast city is in his hands, it was the last one we took together before Barry got whooshed out of this dimension.

"Don? Buddy?" Barry says cautiously as he kneels next to the boy's bed. He touches him like he might get burned. Don doesn't let Barry's touch linger for long, he darts up into a sitting position, holding the picture out next to Barry's face. Barry has graying temples in the future, he's a little scruffier and a little thicker everywhere, not in a bad way though. He looks like a full grown handsome man, actually. But he still had a lot of that playfulness in his eyes to remind me how excited he still got when a scientist he particularly admired got a big award or when the twins were asleep early and I started to undo his tie and back him up toward the bed. 

Don is focused and intense as his eyes go from past daddy to present daddy, real daddy to stranger daddy.

"You aren't my dad," he says. 

"No, no, I'm not," Barry says. "But I will be, someday. Actually a lot sooner than I would have expected. You're six now which means in three more years you're going to exist in my time. That's kind of exciting isn't it?"

"Then you'll disappear," Don says.

"Maybe, maybe I won't."

"You will, you can't change what happens, that's what you always said."

He lays down again, facing the wall.

"Babe," I say. He doesn't recoil when I touch him, he knows me a lot better. "Your dad is going to come home, I know he will.

"How?"

"Has he ever failed us before? No, never. I bet right now he's just thinking of some brilliant plan that will bring him home to us."

"What if he doesn't, what if he never comes home?"

I've thought about that, I've thought about that every day, the longer he's gone the easier it becomes to consider, easier and harder somehow. 

"You and your sister have every ounce of his strength, and his bravery. You can get through anything. Barry grew up without a mother, with his father behind bars, and do you know what he did?"

"He became The Flash," Dawn says.

"He became The Flash, one of earth's mightiest heroes. And he had a beautiful life full of love and adventure, and you guys. Even if he doesn't come back, you have to know that he left this world a legend, he'll never ever be forgotten, and you, you'll be heroes too one day. It runs in the family."

I manage to keep my voice steady even though I'm breaking inside, my eyes sting, my face is puffy, but my voice is strong.  
"Yeah, everything your mom said," Barry says, his voice less strong. The first tear spills over his eyelash when Dawn grabs his gloved hand.

"What's going to happen to that guy?" Don says, sitting back up again to face us.

I look at Barry, he's still reeling with the volume of information he's been given in the past few minutes.

"He'll go home, to his time, and then..." I don't know what to say, I can't just tell him what to do with that time when he gets there, that's never been up to me, just because things happened the way they did doesn't mean he should forget about everything else in his life. Just because things with him and Patty don't work out in the end doesn't mean he should just end things, now that he knows what's in his future. I don't know what part of 2016 he's from, only that his hair is a little longer on top the way she likes it, and that he has a bit of tan so it must not be winter yet, Patty and Barry broke up at the beginning of December. "He'll go home and..."

"I'll marry your mother," he says, grabbing my hand with his free one.  
***  
Cisco doesn't answer his phone, because of course he doesn't, it's nearly four AM, the kids fought sleep for as long as possible, asking Barry endless questions about where he's from. But they're finally out. Dad is on his way. We have to get to Star Labs. Only the time portal can get Barry back exactly where he belongs. I call for the 8th time, nothing. I text 911 to him, nothing. Ever since Mari he hasn't been quite as easy to get ahold of, but he's still tremendously helpful in situations like this, so is Mari in fact.

"Maybe we should wait until Morning," Barry says.

"It is morning," I try dialing again. "We need to just zoom in there and grab his butt kicking and screaming."

"He stopped finding that amusing in my time," Barry says, gently getting the phone from my hand.  
"Iris, you need to relax." 

"This is such a mess, you're supposed to be here."

"I am here."

"No, not you, him," I say, pointing up at nothing. "I can't do things like this, I'm not some time travel expert, I'm just me. B student, former cheerleader, I can't do this without him. I can't do any of this."

I hate it when he does this, one second I'm having a breakdown in the kitchen, the next I'm in bed, Barry standing next to me. 

"You need to sleep," he says.

"I need to help you," I try struggling out of the covers but he's tucked me in so tight I can just barely get my arms free.

"And you will, but first you need to sleep. When is the last time you've gotten more than a couple of hours a night?"

It's such a pointless question, he knows how long it's been. He knows I can't properly reach REM without him there. Or at least without me knowing exactly where he is. But of course it's 2024 Barry that knows those things.

"I'm sure wherever I am I'm not sleeping too well either," He sits at the side of my bed, _our_ bed, still in his suit. "I'm sorry Iris, I'm sorry I'm not here for you."

"It's not your fault Bear," I say. "Or at least it won't be your fault. You saved us that day, you saved my life."

"I would every time."

I manage to wriggle the rest of the way out of the covers and sit beside him.

"I just don't want to get used to this," I say.

"To what?"

"You being here, if you stay too long I might not want you to leave and then where would we be?" The problem is he's the same, he looks a little different but he's the same Barry I fell in love with and keep falling in love with again and again every minute. It's hard to let go of any version of Barry Allen when I love every version.

"You know she loves you right," I say, not really knowing why. "Iris, in 2016, she loves you in ways she can't even get her head around. I know you have your doubts sometimes."

"I don't, that's the thing, I know she does. I just don't know if that's enough."

"And you know, there's Patty."

He seems surprised for a second that I know, even though I was there the whole time they were together.

"You said her name normally," Barry said.

"I like Patty, in retrospect."

"I like her too. But...

"But nothing, Barry you can't break up with her because you know about all of this, what is meant to happen will happen, you can't force it."

"But I can't just pretend like everything is good with Patty after this. I can't pretend like this life, with you and the kids, our kids, isn't exactly what I want. It's what I've always wanted."

I remember how I used to feel when I saw them together, seethingly jealous while knowing I had exactly zero right to be. I still felt so much for Eddie back then too, love, longing, sadness, guilt over the fact that I never loved him quite as much as he deserved even though I spent every waking minute trying to. In Barry's time I'm just not ready, but I will be, he needs to trust that and live his life. I try to explain that to the Barry sitting in front of me, he ends up kissing me anyway.

"Barry," I say, tearing myself away. I know it's not cheating, not for me anyway, and it feels so good to be kissed by him again. He could see how much I needed to feel close to him. I'm ten years older and he still knows me so well. And maybe he needs it too, after everything he's seen, maybe he needs a way to process everything he knows now. So he kisses me like he did the first time, which I later learned was only the first time for me, the second for him, because having a time traveling husband gets confusing. He touches my face when he does it, and lets his fingers linger in my hair and kisses me deep, slow, moving his mouth against mine like he's savoring every moment. I want to keep going, I want that so much it makes my heart squeeze, but we can't. "We can't."

"You're it for me Iris, there's no one else, there never will be," I know, I know all of that, but it doesn't change anything. I get up to find something of Barry's for Barry to wear, he can't sleep in that suit.

"Future me wears silk pajamas?" He says as I toss him the set.

"Actually future you wears a Pink Floyd T-shirt and flannel drawstring pants with a hole in the crotch. Future you wore silk pajamas exactly once."

He gets up to change in the bathroom. I'm not used to him being shy to change in front of me, but I have to remind myself again that this isn't the Barry that I've been getting naked with for nearly ten years. He comes out a few minutes later.

"Future Barry is crazy, these are the softest things I've ever worn."

"It's a pride thing," I say.

"So, I guess I can take the couch?"

He probably should take the couch, but if I plan on getting any sleep it would be better if he was right here. "Or, you can sleep here, if you want."

So he lays down on the bed, and I lay down too. He' so close, close enough to kiss, touch, make love to until dawn breaks, I try to think of something else.

"Are you comfortable?" I say.'

"Yeah, very."

I close my eyes but they don't stay closed for long.

"Iris, what am I like, I mean, when I'm older?"

I open my eyes again to look at him. "You're like you are now, you just, know a lot more about everything. And with that comes this sort of sexy confidence. And you're a good father, a great father actually. They both love you so much."

"You're a great mother too, I can tell."

"I try to be."

"You are, and you know you were always pretty, but this, it's like you're this beautiful amazing woman now." I start to feel hot under his stare, I should have told him to sleep on the couch, this was a mistake. I try to make a joke to lighten things up.

"Somebody has a thing for milfs I see."

"People still use that term in 2024?"

"No, I'm just trying to keep you as acclimated as possible to your strange new surroundings. Make sure to watch your head for low flying cars, and don't eat the food capsules whole you'll end up with a full turkey in your stomach."

He laughs, I like that I can still make him laugh, that he's so like himself in every way 

"I love you Iris," he says, pulling me closer. "I love all of you."

I taste my own tears when I kiss him this time. I try not to think about all of the rules I'm breaking, just about how good this feels. I pull him on top of me, feeling his weight, less than before but still him. If he had changed gradually, over years and years I probably wouldn't have even noticed. I barely noticed how he grew up in front of my eyes before until one day I found myself shocked by the man he'd become. I get his buttons undone and slide the shirt off of his shoulders, he gets his hands up under my shirt and I help him get it off. He kisses down my neck and cleavage and undoes my bra next. I wonder if he notices my breasts hang a little lower than he remembers, then I realize the only time this Barry has seen me naked was the time I forgot to lock the door to the bathroom. In any case he doesn't seem to mind when he touches one and kisses the other, taking it into his mouth and making me laugh and gasp and arc off the bed. I hold tight to his hand and he kisses the rest of the way down my body, pausing over the waistband of my yoga pants. I shouldn't do this to past Iris, give him access to my body without her consent. I shouldn't do this to Patty, they're still together in his time, although in mine they've been broken up for years and she's married to some doctor in Keystone. There are so many reasons I shouldn't do this, and only one reason I have to. It's Barry.

"I missed you, God Barry I missed you so much," I say as I let him inside me, this body full of memories he has only glimpses of.

"I'm sorry," he says. I don't know what he's sorry for, for disappearing, for me missing him, for giving into this even though we'll both regret it after the sun rises. He only says he's sorry, and I kiss him and he pulls out and pushes back in, and I cling hard to the sheets, to his hair, to his thin shoulders, to my rapidly slipping sanity. I cling to us, to every part of us, past present and future, because tomorrow us will once again be me.

Stay tuned folks!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I trusted him too, Cisco knew what he was doing and his powers helped him to identify the right target, so why did I feel like things were going to go horribly wrong? I squeezed my eyes shut, tried to make the bad feelings go away, when I opened them Barry was inside the machine, looking back at me.

It's 5:25. I must have dozed off a few minutes. Barry always did leave me good and tired. He's standing by the window when I wake up, naked as the day god made him. Lucky we have that shrub. I get up, wrapping the sheets around myself to stand next to him. There's something in his hands. 

"Did the kids do this?" He says of the crayon drawing in the black frame. It's crudely scrawled into the vague shape of a mans face in a red cowl with lightning bolts at the ears, alienesque green orbs at the center for eyes.

"No," I said. I put my chin on his shoulder. "I drew it."

He looks confused as he faces me. "Oh, well I see you went for a more... abstract vibe."

"I was four," I say. Now he really looks confused. He puts the picture back on the table by the window.

"I met you for the first time when I was younger than the twins. I don't know what happened, I was passed out in the snow and you took me to safety. I only woke up as you were just leaving. I guess I kind of blocked out that memory until I found this in dad's attic."

I still don't understand how I blocked it out, or what even happened that day, but I let it stay in the past.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it hasn't happened to you yet."

He looks at the picture again, running both hands through his hair. He needs a haircut.

"This is... this is a lot."

"I know."

I can only imagine what he must be feeling. He accidentally walked in on a life he hasn't lived yet. I knew once the shock of it wore off he'd start to feel conflicted, maybe even scared. I want to wrap him up in the sheet with me, hold him close to me and never, ever let go of him, keep him safe from all of the things he's going to go up against. He can't even imagine how much harder things get, but he'll survive everything this life puts him through, everything except...

"Barry," I say pressing my warm palm against his face. Some stubble is sprouting up, and he reminds me more of my husband than even before. "Do you regret it, being with me?"  
I wish he looked shocked, offended that I would even ask. He just looks a little pensive.

"I cheated on my girlfriend, Iris." He says flatly. "I don't do things like that, I'm not that guy."

"I know sweetheart, I know you're not. It's just, this is a very odd situation."

"That's no excuse, I did something very, very wrong."

He looks close to tears. I knew I shouldn't have let things go so far, I should have been the level headed one, but the second he kissed me, and put his hands on me again and gave me his body I couldn't say no. My heart ached with how much I needed him.

"And the worst part is, I would do it again right now," His voice breaks with the shame of his words. "Because being with you never feels wrong, it feels like the one right thing there is, that will always be."

"Barry--

"I can't go back there like this, I can't go back knowing what I know. I'm not going to be able to look at you."

I kiss his trembling mouth, stilling it. 

"You're not going to know, about the twins," he whispers against my mouth.

"No, I won't."

"It's like you're already their mother, even back then, you just have this light inside you, like there isn't enough of it to go around. It's not fair that I get to know all of this and you can't."

"But that's the way it has to be."

He kisses me with so much of himself that I step back a little. I drop the sheet around my ankles and we kiss hard against the wall. I try to breathe steadily as his mouth travels, feeling the pulse of my temple, my neck, my heartbeat. It beats faster with him there, kissing and fondling the breasts that keep it where it belongs. Then he's down on his knees, loving me with his mouth and fingers, making me tremble hard against him. I'm going to rip the curtains down from the rods with him carrying on like that.

"Bear!" I whisper and shout at once, and then I'm down where he is, my arms around his neck, my thighs tight around his waist. I move slow against him.

"I'd do it again right now," he'd said before. He wasn't kidding. It's the one right thing there is, him and me together.  
****  
The kids are still sleeping when we dress. I put a little lip gloss on discreetly and pull my hair back. Cisco calls us at six, frantic and worried by all the messages. Dad shows up at 615, he tried to get there sooner but he was just outside of Keystone for the weekend. He looks like he's going to cry when he hugs Barry.

"My boy, look at you," he says, laughter and tears fighting for dominance. 

Dad'll stay with the kids, explain that Barry had to go. It's easier this way, if he sees their sad faces saying goodbye he'll never leave. They're still here though, we're all still here. I'm thinking Barry's future and my present are both safe.

He runs me to star labs, I missed the feeling of him holding me in his arms when he goes as fast as he can. I feel weightless, like fragments scattered in the air, materializing again at the end point. It's terrifying and exhilarating, like I've cheated death with every run. This time it doesn't feel the same, I feel nothing but weight on me even when I'm whooshing through the city.

"So, who protects central city now... you know with me gone?" he asks as we make our may through the corridor, he could have ran us all the way in. I think he's stalling. I don't blame him, I don't want him to go either. I know something bad is coming. Or maybe it's just that I don't want to be missing him again. I wonder if I should answer his question honestly, tell him about Wally, he'll meet him in 2016 too. I decide why not. I need to get my mind on something happy.

"Well, Cisco's powers have advanced beautifully since you last saw him, also he has a girlfriend."

"Really? That's great, I mean I always knew there was someone out there for him."

"Yeah a someone with crazy magic based animal powers."

"Wait, Magic based?" He says skeptically.

"Don't worry, you'll get used to the concept. And, you sort of have a successor, someone else with speed powers."

"A successor?"

"My brother."

"You have a brother?" 

"Don't tell Dad, or Iris, they'll meet him soon enough." I hate keeping things from her, it nearly broke my heart when Barry and my dad did it, but the less everyone knows about the future, the better. It's already too late for Barry.

"Anyway, let's just say fate intervened, I got a little brother and you got a sidekick."

"Well it's good to know that there's so much to look forward to."

We reach the entrance. I'm excited for Barry to see Cisco, he's changed so much. I can get us in no problem in spite of the increased security, the retinal scan will probably still work for Barry, but he doesn't know the passcode. I let it scan my eye, it's a little annoying, like a kid with a laser pointer, but it only takes a second. I type in the passcode and the double doors slide open. Cisco's buzzing about the room, not even acknowledging us as he tries to get everything in order. He's such a grownup now, with facial hair, a respectable haircut, and lots of button down shirts, but he's still undeniably Cisco, and I'm reminded of that when I see him, goggles askew on his messy hair, monologuing to himself like a mad scientist.

"I've identified a straight shot to 2016 at the very moment Barry disappeared, it should prevent the paradox that will-

"Cisco," I interrupt. "Remember this guy."

"Holy shit," Cisco says, snapped out of his ramblings. He hugs Barry like a long lost brother, which I guess he sort of is. "Look at you, you're a kid dude."

"And you're a grown ass man, this is crazy," Barry says. "You look great. How is everything, I hear your--"

"Look it's amazing to see you, really," He interrupts. "But the less said the better, we don't want to start stepping all over butterflies."

"We're in the future Cisco," Barry says.

"Yeah and time ain't no straight line, it's more like a ripple spreading out, anything you do when you're misplaced, no matter what the direction, is basically like wiping your ass with the space time continuum."

Barry looks at me nervously, he doesn't need to let Cisco freak him out, I've been much further in the future than this, with Cisco, he stepped on quite a bit of butterflies himself.

"Cisco, remember how you acquired the formulas for this time travel device of yours?"

He looks bashful at the accusation. I give him a playful smile. 

"That was different, that was for science."

"Well it all worked out didn't it?"

They both seem to release a bit of tension from their shoulders. But I can't for some reason, I hope they don't notice. It's not the space time continuum I'm scared of, it's something else.

"It is really good to see you man," Cisco says, snapping me out of my chaotic thoughts.

"You too Cisco. And, wait, Caitlin, where's Caitlin?"

That's one thing he's just not ready to know about yet, it's been years since the accident and even I'm not ready to know about it yet. She's doing better than in those first days, when she couldn't control who she hurt, and she even helped us in the crisis. But she still has a long way to go before she can be around people like she used to. Seeing her now could only end badly. I could tell him what happened to her, but that wouldn't prepare him, nothing could.

"Caitlin would have loved to be here," Cisco says, with an admirable poker face. "But she didn't think it was a good idea, you know, space time continuum, knowing too much. She's paranoid dude. Besides you'll see her when you get back."

"Yeah, yeah of course I will, I mean I kind of keep forgetting that I'm not really saying goodbye to all of you."

Just his children, just the version of me that could love him completely without conflict. 

"So, are you ready to take this slingshot back to where you belong?" Cisco said.

"That doesn't sound too great."

"It's basically what this is, but don't worry, when it comes to aiming within timelines I'm a regular Oliver Queen."

He faces me again, this is it, no more stalling. I received a wonderful gift these past few hours and giving it back was going to be harder than I imagined.

"I'll see you in 2016 okay?" I say. I touch his cheek and he turns to kiss the heel of my hand.

"So, this is happening," Cisco says awkwardly. "Way to not mess with the timeline buddy."

We move toward the platform hand in hand. I don't want to step off of it because the moment I do, he'll be gone. I kiss him one last time, I tell him I love him completely and he says it right back, and I step off the platform.

"Okay, once you're inside you're going to run Barry, as fast as you can like you're trying to phase through."

"I can't phase in that short of a distance," Barry says.

"Don't worry, the machine will pretty much fall away immediately when I turn in on, it'll be like running through a long tunnel."

"What if I overshoot?"

"You won't, you'll wind up in the right place, I've calculated it perfectly. Just trust yourself, and trust me."

"Okay," he says, exhaling sharply. "I trust you."

I trusted him too, Cisco knew what he was doing and his powers helped him to identify the right target, so why did I feel like things were going to go horribly wrong? I squeezed my eyes shut, tried to make the bad feelings go away, when I opened them Barry was inside the machine, looking back at me. Cisco pushed the necessary buttons, so many of them, and I heard the familiar whirring sound. We've had to do this a lot.

"Vaya con Dios brother," Cisco said.

An intense blue light materializes in the center of the room, engulfing my lover in its energy, making him nearly disappear in front of me. But somehow it seems like he's not alone in there, like something else is materializing too... someone else.

"What the hell is that?" Cisco says, squinting into the light. And I see it too, I see him running fast around the blue light emanating from the ground.

"Cisco what's happening?" Barry yells from inside. He needs to run, he needs to run right now.

"Oh no," Cisco says a split second before the blast of blinding white light. It knocks me backward, knocking the air out of my lungs. I slide across the floor, hitting my head hard on the opposite wall. I touch my head, warm blood on my fingers. I can't move my neck, only my eyes. I see Cisco in the very corner of my periphery. He's knocked out too. Barry Is still in the machine, still looking out in horror.

"Iris!" He yells for me. "Iris watch out!" I look up at the shadow forming over me. It's him, he was waiting for this, he's been waiting all along.

"Hello Iris," he says, kneeling down. The man in the yellow suit, somehow he piggy backed on the time warp created by the machine, he's been waiting patiently for Cisco to turn it on since slipping into the singularity, the same one that took Barry. "It's been a long time."

"You stay away from her!" Barry yells. "Let me out, Cisco let me out!"

Cisco's not coming to, I can't help him. I can't even help myself. I think my neck is broken.

"Barry Allen," He says. "So young."

"Cisco let me out!" Barry screams helplessly.

"Barry, you have to run, you have to get out of here," I scream. There's only such a long window of time before the machine resets and Cisco has to start the process over again, something I'm not sure he's capable of in this state. Right now getting back to the past is more important than helping me, I already know that I'm doomed, Cisco may still have a chance, but Barry surely won't if he doesn't run. Staying misplaced in time means the twins will cease to exist, and Barry Allen will be missing from 2016, 2016 needs Barry Allen more than we do right now. 

"I'd do what she says Barry," Eobard says. I try to reach for something. I don't even know what for, maybe the last glimmer of hope, I can't find it. The last thing I hear before he vibrates his hand through my chest is Barry's voice, screaming my name.

Run Barry, run.

**Stay tuned folks!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What would you do, if you knew things, things that you shouldn't know about the person you love? About what will end up happening to them because of you? What if you knew that something terrible would happen if you didn't turn away?"

I didn't want to say anything to him at first. I didn't want to sound like some naggy girlfriend, especially since I'm not his girlfriend, by my own choice I'm not. It's not like I never wonder what it would be like, to, like be with him that way. I wonder all the time about letting go of everything and just taking that leap, but there's just so much to let go of. I still miss Eddie, but I'm starting to feel it less and less. I don't sit in my room trying to think of ways Barry or Cisco or that sweetheart scientist guy Martin with the glasses who I think Barry might look like when he gets older, can bring Eddie back. I'm starting to accept that he's gone, and if I accept it too much does that mean he really is gone?

I'm getting way off track here. The editor in chief at Picture News says I'm a good writer, but I tend to go on tangents. He says my stuff reads... caffienated. I need to rein that in. Anyway, about Barry. I need to talk to him. He's been so weird since he ran that bomb out of the City, well more like the US. He's getting so fast, and I'm starting to worry that the level of energy he needs to go that fast is starting to surpass him. I'm afraid it's messing with his emotions or something. Ever since that day he's been so off around me, like he's going to start breaking down or something every time we're together. I brought him my super kickass sweet potato scones and a thermos of cinnamon coffee for breakfast at the precinct, a "just cause" sort of thing. And you would have thought I brought his puppy back from the dead, he held me for like a straight minute, I think he may have been crying when he said thank you over and over again. I asked him if he was okay, he swore he was and ran away before I could get another word in.

I'm trying to be happier these days, make jokes and things like that, and go out with everyone and just be a part of things. I've gotten really immersed in my work to, I don't know, keep my mind off of those things, but the boss says if I don't try to have a little fun the job will eat me. I took his advice and went out to Karaoke with Bear, Caitlin, Cisco and Paaatty (I know I need to stop saying her name like that, I'm working on it). Anyway, we went to karaoke, I sang Papa Don't preach with Caitlin and for some reason Barry just had this odd, sad look on his face the whole time. And he loves Madonna, I don't care how he tries to hide it. I tried to talk to him after, ask him if he was okay, and Paaa-- sorry, Patty, totally friend blocked me. So I asked Caitlin and Cisco what was going on instead.

"He's just been really overwhelmed lately and I guess he just doesn't want to put any of that on you?" Caitlin said, but I couldn't help feeling like she was hiding something. I hate it when people lie right to my face. I can always tell when they are, maybe not exactly what they're lying about, but definitely _that_ they're lying, and Caitlin was so lying. I decided not to pry anymore because I didn't want to ruin anyone's night. I already did that the first time we went out after Eddie's death and I couldn't stop crying because Cisco ordered the chicken parmagiana and that was Eddie's favorite. 

Barry didn't even talk to me the rest of the night after that. I guess in his defense he looked really awkward around Patty too. Every time she wanted to get all public display of affectiony with him he'd have to go to the bathroom all of a sudden, or have another drink, or ask Cisco about something completely irrelevant, like who won the soccer match the other day, like Barry has ever watched soccer a day in his life.

Barry told me how he can't get drunk, actually he showed me, he polished off like twenty shots of tequila in a second right in front of me and he didn't get drunk at all. That was like a month after Eddie died, the first sort of fun semi normal night I had after it happened. At the Karaoke bar though, when Barry took the stage, I could have sworn he was totally wasted. Who else but a drunk guy would sing a tearful rendition of _Summer Soft_ while looking directly at his super uncomfortable best friend the whole time? While his even more uncomfortable looking girlfriend kept getting madder and madder? I know Barry had feelings for me before, and I know Patty kind of knows about it, or senses it or something, but in Barry's defense, _Summer Soft_ really isn't a romantic song, it was just sort of sad. Having him sing "She's Gone" to me repeatedly while barely keeping his shit together up there. He should have looked at her and sang _Change The World_ by Eric Clapton by way of Babyface, that's the most romantic song ever and Barry sounds so pretty when he sings it, Patty wouldn't have been able to stay mad at him. I want him to be happy, I really do, even if it can't be with me right now. I didn't know what to do when he cracked up like that. I just wanted to talk to him, or give him a hug or something, but after he finished Patty decided she was tired and Barry took her home, and we didn't get to talk at all.

I miss Barry. Sometimes I feel like things are the same between us, sometimes I feel like they couldn't be more different. Even after learning all of his secrets about the Flash and everything he's been up to, I feel like we're still not on the same page. The weird thing is I don't know if I even want things to be like the way they were. I don't know if they even can. Every time we're together I just... I feel like I need more. I sound like a complete selfish bitch but I miss the days when it was just the two of us against the world, before everything went wrong and I had to learn what it was like to open my heart up to someone else. I miss just being lazy on a Sunday together, watching too much netflix and eating too much junk food. I miss him always being there, but somehow that's no good either, because we were always just friends. I think I want to be more than just Barry's friend. We can't go down that road now though, I can't try to make things messy because I think I might sort of be ready. He has a good thing going with whatsherface and I have to respect that, I have to keep my distance.

Yet somehow I get the feeling he's not so sure about keeping his.

I think if things go well at Picture News this year I might start looking for my own place. Dad's has been a nice little cocoon to crawl into since my boyfriend died but I'm doing better now. I have to start living like I'm doing better. And maybe keeping my distance from Barry would be a lot easier if we weren't under the same roof half the time. He hasn't been staying over Patty's as much since the bomb. Granted even when he's here he goes out of his way to avoid me. I'm telling you he's acting like a crazy person. And I have no idea what it's about.

He's home now. I can hear him whooshing. Must be a slow crime day. I think about closing my door so he can't see me when he goes into his room. Of course I don't though, because he's Barry and I can never shut him out, even when I should.

He looks more messed up than he did during the Stevie Wonder karaoke debacle. His eyes are red, his frown is unquestionably right side up, and God Barry stop breaking my heart if you aren't going to tell me what's wrong.

"Hey Iris," he says.

"Hey Barry," I try to smile, but it's useless. "Are you... is everything okay?"

I expect him to tell me everything is, even though I know damn well that it's not. He surprises me by shaking his head.

"Nothing is okay Iris," he says. "I broke up with Patty. I know I wasn't supposed to, that it wasn't supposed to happen yet but I couldn't lie to her anymore."

I hate myself for not being more surprised. For a second I wonder if that's what's been troubling him lately, that he knew he was going to break up with Patty so he's just been extra emo about everything, I don't really get what he meant when he said it wasn't supposed to happen yet though, I guess that's how breakups can feel, but it's still a strange way to phrase it. And I know that's not the only thing messing him up. That's not the only thing at alll.

"I'm sorry Bear, did you want to maybe talk about it."

"No, I don't want to talk about Patty," He says. Then why did you bring it up doofus?

"I just, I can't talk about Patty right now. I know I should be sad that it ended you know because she was so good for me for so many reasons. But me, I was never any good for her, and I never will be because I can't figure out how to stop loving you."

No, don't do this now. Barry Allen this is the single most unfair thing you could think to say to me right now. I should make him leave, I should make him leave and go sulk by himself, I'm not going to catch him. I can't, I'm too broken to hold myself up let alone both of us. I don't say any of that though, I don't because Barry just told me he's in love with me again and the words sound the way a blanket fresh from the dryer on a cold day feels. So I say nothing.

"I can't, you have to help me, you have to help me stop."

"Barry, I don't I-- Barry Allen is the only person who can get me to lose my words.

"I can't be in love with you Iris, I can't kiss you or make love to you or marry you or have children with you, I can't do those things because...

"Barry," I say finally stepping up to him, grabbing his shaking hands in mine. "What is the matter babe just tell me."

I shouldn't have called him babe, I shouldn't have said that.

"What would you do, if you knew things, things that you shouldn't know about the person you love? About what will end up happening to them because of you? What if you knew that something terrible would happen if you didn't turn away?"

And that's when I realize, I realize what he's been hiding this whole time. He ended up in some other time dimension when he was running that bomb out of the city, he saw something bad in the future, something bad about me.

"Barry, listen, whatever you think you saw--

"I saw you die," He says, the words sending a chill through my whole body. "I watched you die before I came back. I wanted to stay with you. I wanted to fight to save you but I knew if I didn't get back to the past you'd be lost, so now I'm here, knowing what I know and having no idea how to stop it or if I even can. I don't know Iris."

My heart is pounding so hard in my chest it hurts, but I hold Barry, and stroke his hair and his back and whisper that it's okay, that everything is going to be okay. What he's saying to me though, that I'm going to die, it can't be true but I feel the weight of it anyway. Who? What? Where? When? Why? How? The journalists six most important questions were also those of a dying woman.

"Barry you have to talk to me, really talk to me okay," He can't even look at me now. I cradle his face, but his eyes don't meet mine. "What exactly did you see?"  
He doesn't want to tell me. He's probably afraid he's said too much already. By the time I'm finished interrogating him I know three things. 

I'm his wife in the future (but of course I already sort of knew that)

We have two children (definitely didn't know that)

Reverse Flash makes orphans of them in ten years (didn't want to know that)

"This doesn't have to happen okay?" He says, pulling himself together as best as he can. "We can run away, I don't have to be The Flash anymore, I can be someone else, we can be someone else together, and we can do all of those things, we can have a life and be safe, we can do that. I want to do that with you.

I grab his hand and I lead him to my bed. He needs to be still, he needs to rest. So do I. I sit next to him and we breath and we stay quiet a few moments.

"You don't have to die," he says.

I'm scared absolutely shitless right now. I have to be strong though, we can't both fall apart right now. I spent way too long falling apart already.

"Barry, we can't run away, this city needs you."

"Not as much as I need you, and them. I need you guys, I didn't know how much until I saw what I saw. The life I want is with you. And if I have to be selfish to keep you alive then I'll do that. I'll do anything."

"What you need is to sleep. You haven't in days, I can tell."

"I can't."

"I'm right here Barry, I'm not going to go anywhere, I promise."

"I don't get it, how can you just be so fine about all of this...

I'm not fine. I'm not fine at all.

"Because," I say. "Nothing can happen to me when you're here. I trust that. I trust that even now."

Also if that yellow suited bastard wanted me dead, I would give him the fight of his life.

_Stay Tuned Folks!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really torn about whether I wanted to do the upcoming chapters from Barry's point of view or stick with Iris's. I knew it would be hard to convey Barry's anguish through her eyes, but I kind of wanted a challenge. Hope it worked for you guys, and thank you all for your incredible support of this story.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's then that I make the decision to live, whether it's for ten minutes, ten years or ten lifetimes. I know what's coming, and I have to believe somehow that we can stop it, but I won't waste another minute obsessing about the end when this feels like just the beginning.

There's something about finding out you have ten years to live. On one hand if Barry is correct, I die at 36, the same as his mom. I have two beautiful children, a girl with rainbow striped socks and curious eyes, and a tall for his age boy with a titanium will, and I leave them all alone a month after their father disappears. On the other hand it could be worse, I could be sitting in a doctor's office being told I have less than a year, that I'll never have children and never have a husband. What do you even do with the concept of ten years to live? 

Well if you're me you go a little insane. I haven't left the office for anything but sleep for weeks. I've checked every database, every news feed, every contact and pair of eyes on the street I have. I've checked up on every strange phenomena happening across the united states and beyond over the past six months. I've even researched paranormal sightings as far back as the 18th century, in case he's been doing some time traveling of his own. I've held the phone to my ear until it's started to chafe, I've spent so much time in front of the computer my eyes are strained and my fingers are sore. I've talked to people until I lost my voice and then talked some more. My boss says I'm doing a great job, that I'm really staying on top of things, and online traffic spiked with my write-ups of the mysterious elongated man (Cisco coined that one), and the woman bathed in green fire (I'm thinking we should keep it simple and call her Fire). If we're being honest though, my initiative isn't just because I want to impress my boss. I need to find Eobard Thawne, and as far as that crusade goes, I'm getting absolutely nowhere.

I feel like complete crap, I'm not sleeping well at all and I know Barry can see it. They all can, I snapped at Caitlin the other day when she suggested I lie down. I felt bad and apologized right after, I know she was only trying to help. My head kills though and it's hard to keep from nodding off, but I keep going because if I don't he's going to continue to wreak havoc on our family until there's none of us left. He killed Barry's mother, he's the reason Eddie shot himself. In the future Barry pulls them both into a singularity to get rid of him and he still ends up coming back to do more damage. What if he goes after my kids next? I don't know them aside from what Barry has told me, but I feel protective of them already. I strive to keep them safe with such urgency it's like they're right here, resting both of their heads on my shoulders while I search tirelessly for the man who takes my life.

I can't keep my eyes open but I have to. Lois Lane did a report on some strange blue lightning on a sunny day in Metropolis, I know that doesn't match up completely with what we know about Reverse Flash, but it's something. I remind myself to keep tabs on that story.

"Iris?" It's dad, trying to get me to come home again, he sounds cautious, like he's trying to rescue a stray dog from a trap and doesn't know whether he'll end up getting bitten for the effort. He knows what happens, I don't think he really knows what to do with it all, none of us do.

"Just a few more minutes dad," my voice sounds tired and weak.

"You said that two hours ago, come back to the house, everyone is worried about you."

"They should be worried," I say. "You all know what's going to happen."

"We don't know that, we only know what _might_ happen."

"What _will_ happen unless I find him."

"Well if you let us help you--

"You can't help me dad, this isn't your fight this time."

"Baby girl you can't-

"What, what can't I do? Change the future? Believe me that's starting to dawn on me pretty quickly, but I can't stop trying."

"That's not what I was going to say."

It's true though, nothing in that newspaper from the future has changed. I still become Iris West-Allen, there's still a crisis, Barry still disappears. All shreds of calm I had at the beginning are stripped away little by little every time I see it. The weirdest part is, every time I look at it a part of me still hopes that one thing doesn't change.

Barry Allen is my best friend, he's my family, and even though the very concept of being married to someone I've seen in his Transformers underwear unnerves me, it's kind of the only outcome that makes sense. I used to think really hard about who my perfect guy would be. When I was a kid I was still going through my Tevin Campbell phase. In high school I pictured someone tall and strong with lots of friends and a cool car. In college I dreamed of someone a little older, who could debate me on literature and played in a band, not the lead singer because lead singers are notoriously self absorbed, but definitely a drummer. 

The thing is, no matter who I pictured they always shared the same quality, they were all completely and totally cool with Barry being in my life. We'd all go on vacations together and spend holidays under the same roof. And Barry would have a girl too and she'd be a little bit like me, or some cute nerdy girl like Felicity, and everyone would be happy, especially me because I still had him. I couldn't bring myself to love anyone who didn't love Barry. I guess it just never dawned on me that _l_ loved Barry, and not the way a friend loves a friend. I always knew I'd spend the rest of my life with him, I guess I just didn't understand what it meant to want that. I think I'm starting to understand. I want to be with Barry, but I can't do that if I can't stop what's going to happen.

"I don't know what to do," I say quietly. And I don't. I have no idea. The realization that I have absolutely no idea what to do has been weighing on me for weeks and now I think I'm starting to collapse under it. Next I'm on the floor and sobbing and he's next to me, rubbing my back in big circles. "I don't know what to do dad."

"Come home," he says. He looks the way I feel. 

"I can't, I have to protect them don't you get it? They're all alone."

"Baby they haven't even been born yet."

"Don't you think I know how crazy I sound? But I feel them, I think I always have, and they're out there and they need their mother."

"Sweetheart you have to come home, you have to sleep."

"I can't sleep, I haven't been able to sleep for days."

This is the first time I haven't lied about that, what's the point in lying anymore?

"Iris, you've dealt with more in the last two years than most people have had to deal with their whole lives," he says after a few silent moments. "And you've been strong and positive and so brave through all of it. You have to know that Barry Allen isn't the only hero in this family."

I look up at him, wide eyed. He said I was a hero, nobody has ever called me a hero before, except Barry. I don't feel like a hero, I feel like I'm running around in circles because it's the only thing keeping me alive.

"We're in good company," I say, trying to smile and failing miserably.

"Come home," he says again. Finally I nod, and he takes me home.

****

I still feel like Barry can't look at me. I can't be mad at him for it. I can't really look at him either. I think once he poured his heart out he had no idea what followed. I don't know what comes next either, how to live knowing what's coming. When I get home he's got dinner on the table. I can tell he made it himself because the mac and cheese is a little too brown and the fried chicken is perfect. It's the only thing he really knows how to make but he makes it so well the hunger hits me immediately and I'm reminded of how long it's been since I've eaten. We're quiet during dinner and we avoid each other's glances. I think Dad wants to say something but he's afraid I won't stay if he does. This is the first time I've been home at a reasonable hour in days.

After Dinner I take a much needed shower and wash my hair, feeling it go curly under the stream of hot water. When I go back to my room Barry's already sitting on my bed. I close the door and we just stand there looking at each other, neither of us really knowing what to say or do. Finally I speak because somebody has to.

"I'm scared Barry," I say and to say it feels like the first step toward no longer feeling it. "I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't want you to think you made the wrong choice in telling me. But I'm scared. I'm really scared."

"I didn't mean to scare you, I just, I saw what I saw and I couldn't get it out of my head. But you know what Iris, I know that we can stop it, I know we can, it's too important--

He loses his words as I twist the lock and meet him by the bed, still in my towel, beads of moisture still on my skin. My knees are right up against his and he looks up at me almost shyly.

"I don't ever want you to feel like you aren't safe," Barry says.

"I don't feel like that, not right now." And it's true somehow, for the first time since the last time we were this close. He reaches between the fold of my towel and his hand rests on my inner thigh. His hand is shaking, my body is shaking too. This is going to happen because it has to, but also because I need him touching me right now.

"It's okay Barry," I say.

"I need to know this is your choice," He kisses my shoulder. "I need to know this is what you want," he kisses right above the place the towel is covering. "Not because of what you know about the future, but because of us. Right now."

"I want you," I say breathlessly. "I want you right now and tomorrow and always."

"You have me," he says. His hand moves and I feel his fingers in the heat between my thighs. I cradle his head with my hands as his lips move across the swell of my breasts. "You'll always have me."

"You have me too," I sigh. I can barely get the words out because he's fucking me with his fingers and he's Barry and it should be weird but it isn't, it's... good, it's good like nothing has been good for a really long time, and all I can think about is having more of him inside me.

I kiss him finally and the towel falls away. When he stops kissing and looks at me I feel like his stare is going to burn. His hands and his eyes on my body make my head swim. I never knew that anyone could look at me like that. 

"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life," he says. I haven't seen him naked since Tony Woodward pantsed him at Becky Cooper's pool party and the bitch laughed, then I held Tony's head underwater until no one was laughing. Barry was fourteen then, and I find myself rabidly curious to know what the situation under his clothes is now.

"I want to see all of you," I say into his ear. And without another word he starts to unbutton his shirt, and I help because I get impatient. I kiss him as I help him get his clothes off until there's nothing left but us.

"You're beautiful too," I whisper. And he is, thin and pale but toned all over. I count the freckles on his neck and his chest with my lips..

"If we do this there's no going back," He says. "Because I'm not going to be able to let you go."

"Then don't"

We're on the bed next thing I know, and he's unwrapping a condom and my heart is pounding so hard I can almost hear it. I open my legs up around him and he looks into my eyes as if he's asking if I'm sure. I'm sure. 

"Yes," I whisper. We kiss as he pushes in. It's happening, there's no going back. I don't want to go back, I want him deeper. I pull him in with my heels against his ass and we start to move.

"I need to tell you something," my speech is broken up with my heavy breathing and the vibration of us.

His mouth is hot against my neck as he talks. "You can tell me anything."

"I don't want to die, not if living means more of this."

He's still for a moment, looking at me tenderly. "You won't die, I won't let that happen. Not again."

I kiss him to stop him from being sad and we keep going, He's right, he is mine. And I'm his.

****

I watch him sleep as my own fatigue mounts. This is the only right thing there is isn't it? This is the way it was always supposed to be, me and him together. The way he writhed and trembled against me as I met the thrusts of his hips with my own, and moved with me fluidly as I got on top, needing to feel him underneath me, needing to feel him everywhere. I keep thinking of how many years we wasted not going to town on each other every chance we got. If I only I would have gotten a hotel room for us after prom, untied his bow tie with shaking hands and kissed him off center with a cautious mouth, we would have grown together, learned from each other. There was nothing awkward or mannered about it now, it was intense and desperate and so perfect I wanted to cry. 

"I know you're staring at me," he says, smirking, eyes still closed.

"I wasn't staring," I lie. "I was just... thinking."

"Oh yeah," His eyes flutter open as he scoots closer to hold me and kisses my temple. "What are you thinking about?"

"Well, we just had sex. Me and you," I say like I can't believe it. I can't, yet at the same time I can't believe I didn't do it sooner.

"I know, I was there," he says and I giggle. 

"And it was... good. Like really good."

"Should I be offended that you sound so surprised?"

"I just meant that, being best friends who have amazing sex together isn't the worst thing. It might actually be the best thing."

He holds my hand and kisses across my knuckles, then my lips. We kiss each other like lovers do. The future he saw is officially happening, because I can't be with other guys now, I can't marry anyone that isn't him, it would be a lie. I feel how much I love him coursing through my veins and it's not my choice anymore. I never had one.

"Iris," he says, his forehead pressed against mine. "I have to confess something."

No you jerk, don't ruin this. 

"What kind of confession?"

"Well, this wasn't my first time."

"Umm, that's really okay Barry," I say, a bit confused. "I mean I'm not exactly a nun myself."

"No," He says, more urgently. "I mean this wasn't my first time with you."

I scoot away a little, pulling the sheet up over my nudity, what the hell does he mean by that?

"Barry I'm not going to sugarcoat it, that is a thoroughly creepy thing for you to say right now."

"I know, but it's true. When I went to the future me and you, future you, well we sort of..."

"You had sex with future me?"

"Twice," he says, wincing in shame like he expects a slap.

I don't know how to feel, my first time with Barry was his third with me, should I be mad? I mean technically they were two consenting adults. But still, what do you even call that? 

"I know I shouldn't have done it. I was just, I saw you and them and I was so overwhelmed by it all and, I guess I just got so caught up in the emotion of it. I wasn't thinking, I couldn't think, all I could do was feel. And I wasn't trying to use you or violate you or anything like that, that's not what that was, I promise you that."

If I don't say something soon he'll just keep rambling.

"How was it?" I finally say.

"You mean...

"The sex, how was it? I mean, I'm a mother of twins in the future, was I like... together down there?"

He looks relieved, and I smile too. 

"Let me put it this way, it was my first time with an older woman and... yeah. Everything I used to hear in the locker rooms about milfs is 100 percent true. It didn't hurt that you're still smoking hot at 36."

"I'm starting to feel like I should be kind of jealous," I tease.

" _You_ are the only woman you should ever feel jealous of when it comes to me."

Barry Allen is still the world's biggest dork, and I love him endlessly for it.

"I missed that," He says.

"Missed what?"

"That smile, haven't seen it in awhile."

It's then that I make the decision to live, whether it's for ten minutes, ten years or ten lifetimes. I know what's coming, and I have to believe somehow that we can stop it, but I won't waste another minute obsessing about the end when this feels like just the beginning.

****

Me and Barry are absolutely gross, seriously, I want to punch us. But I can't keep my hand out of his pocket when we walk down the street, I can't stop myself stealing a kiss when nobody's watching. Sometimes when things are slow at Star Labs we sneak away for a moment to make out in the control room, like horny teenagers. Caitlin walked in on us once and his hand was up my shirt and mine was down his pants and things were a little awkward the rest of the day. What is self control?

The boss made me take the day off, everyone still says I'm working too hard, when I'm not eating, sleeping, or sleeping with Barry, I'm working. There's still no sign of Reverse Flash, and I know that I should be terrified, I am terrified sometimes, but I'm also more in love than I've ever been and it's hard to be scared all of the time now. But as soon as my dad asks me to go have lunch with him like old times, I'm back to being terrified.

I've tried to avoid the precinct, because it's kind of hard to stay off of Barry when we're in the same room and I'll be damned if I get a repeat of the incident with Caitlin, starring my father. Also, I know for a fact that Patty is still prickly about the whole thing. Yeah me and Barry technically took nearly a month to get together after the break up, but that's still not all that long. And she almost certainly suspects something was happening even before then, in her defense it sort of was. I feel bad for Patty, but at the same time I know she's better off. She didn't ask for any of this, the secrets, the excuses, the reality of loving the Flash. I asked for all of it, and I have no regrets.

Except maybe coming today. She's in the lobby with a coffee in hand and a searing death stare on her face. Maybe if I turn around now I can avoid this whole ugly business. I'll call my dad and ask him to meet me at that Greek place we both like. 

"Hello Iris," she says. No such luck.God I hope she doesn't toss her coffee in my face.

"Hey Patty," I think The Reverse Flash would be preferable to this.

"Here to see Barry?" I didn't realize that much spite could fit in one sentence.

"My dad actually."

"Right, Joe, he's great. I think I just saw him outside of Singh's office."

I know it's coming, I wish she would just say it already. She doesn't, and her not saying it is so much worse.

"Okay well I guess I'll go find him then. It's was nice seeing you Patty."

"Was it really?" 

And here it goes.

"I don't get it," she says. "What is it about you that makes a perfectly respectable guy like Barry revert to some hormonal adolescent?"

"Patty I know the way things went down wasn't cool, but you have to understand that it's a lot more complicated than it seems."

"I would say so, I mean, what do you two even have in common? What do you even talk about?"

We talk about everything, movies, food, random nonsense, things we remember and things we wish we could forget, life. Although we haven't been doing quite as much talking lately. I did tell him all about the upcoming Kyle Rayner exhibit I got us tickets for but he was sort of eating me out on top of a dryer at the time so it wasn't exactly a two sided conversation. Probably not the best thing to tell Patty though.

"Me and Barry like all of the same things, we laugh at each other's jokes, we get each other you know?" she says.

They may like all of the same things and laugh at each other's jokes, but they certainly don't get each other. Me and Barry may have nothing in common, but we get each other better than anyone.

"I love him," I say sadly. I never meant to hurt Patty, I really didn't, but this is bigger than her, this is destiny. "I didn't mean to screw things up between the two of you, I don't want to be the girl who stands in the way of him being happy. And I really don't want to be the girl who screws over other girls, that's not who I am. But when it comes to Barry, I just, I can't deal with the idea of him loving someone who isn't me. And maybe that makes me cruel, and selfish and a bitch but, I can't help that. I love him, I'm in love with him. I've been in love with Barry Allen since before I knew what the word love meant."

"You think I don't know that?" Patty says. "I knew it the whole time. I guess I just wish you would have figured that out before my heart got broken."

I open my mouth to speak again, but she's already gone. She'll have a beautiful life one day. It just won't involve my boyfriend.

I sigh deeply and start toward Singh's office. Dad is there like Patty says, Barry is there too but I don't approach him. There'll be time for that later, I can only hope it will be enough.

****

I don't know what to do with myself, I haven't been off for weeks, not _off_ off anyway. Even the days I'm not needed at Picture News I'm needed at Star Labs to help them find one metahuman or another. Now, for the time being I'm not needed anywhere. Barry and dad won't be back until tonight, it's still too early to cook dinner. I think about watching TV but I realize after fifteen minutes of channel surfing there's nothing good on. I think instead about reading a book, it's been too long since I've read anything that wasn't metahuman related. I've read all of the ones in my room and I don't feel like going to the library right now, so I head to the attic. I've been meaning to go through the boxes up there for awhile, I know for a fact one is filled with books.

The first one I check has some of my old toys in it and I remember how I whacked Barry hard on the ankle with my skip it, and how he got me back a year later accidentally launching a foam rocket into my eye. The next box is just a bunch of old reciepts and boring looking paperwork, the third is filled with me and Barry's old school Papers, bright red A's on all of his worksheets, B's and A's on mine. An award for good citizenship with an Arby's coupon still attached, an award for student of the month with the subway coupon ripped off. Construction paper drawings galore, a picture of me and Barry in our swimsuits during our fourth grade field trip to the water park. I feel nostalgic and briefly content rifling through our memories. That's when I see it.

I like to think I've gotten pretty good at sketching over the years, I'm no Kyle Rayner but I certainly have what most people would consider a talent for it. Hard to believe how I started out, with wobbly lines and angry scribbles, it's hard for me to even see what it is at first in the dimness of the attic. It looks like a man's face. A man's face with a red mask. But it couldn't be, it couldn't be him. I must have been four years old when I drew this. Then it dawns on me. My boyfriend travels through time. 

"Barry?" I whisper.

**Stay tuned folks!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, you're in for an angsty couple of chapters, but sometimes things have to get a lot worse before they can get better.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure I want to think about this anymore, I just want to go home and fall asleep in his arms. Reverse Flash is nowhere on the planet, nowhere I can find him anyway. And Barry Allen may disappear in the future but he's here right now, and now is all anyone has.

There's a lot I've had to sort out in my thinky space lately, like how a cop could put a bullet in his own chest to erase a bad man's existence, only to have that bad man keep on living anyway, ten years from now if not sooner. Cisco has a bunch of theories that I can only half understand, about alternate realities, a multiverse. Like maybe when Eddie shot himself Eobard didn't really die, just got reset in some different reality where Eddie is still alive too, one that his powers allow him to get around. I tried not to dwell on that possibility too much when he told me about it in this careful voice. Not even because things are different now with me and Barry. I didn't dwell on it because even if Eddie were on some different plain right now, there's virtually zero chance of us finding him, or that he even wants to be found. He's not the same Eddie we all remember.

Cisco's theory did get me thinking hard about what all of it meant for Barry, whether that's where he disappears to when he does, an alternate reality. Maybe, just maybe, Barry gets lost in time too and just can't get found. Maybe he's bouncing around the decades, trying to find his way back. Maybe one of those decades was the 90's. I don't remember drawing the picture. I vaguely remember seeing a stranger in a red suit when I was very young I remember it being a very cold day, but I can't tell if I really remember it, or if I just want to remember it.

I pace the floor of Star Labs while Cisco and Caitlin study the picture, wondering what to make of it. Barry is on his way, I didn't tell him what I found, only that it was something he had to see.

"So," I say. "What do you think?"

"I think it shows signs of early promise," Cisco says like a smartass. Caitlin looks like she's trying not to laugh at his comment. 

"Don't you guys get what this means, I drew Barry twenty years before the Flash existed. He must have time traveled to when I was a little kid, I just didn't remember it."

"Wait, for real?" Cisco says, studying further. "You really drew this when you were a kid?"

"I think I did, I mean, I don't know."

"Well has he said anything about traveling further back than the year his mom died?" Caitlin says, grabbing the creased sheet of line paper from Cisco.

"That's the thing. I don't think our Barry has gone there yet. I think the Barry that I apparently saw in the past is the same one that disappears in the future."

"That's kind of a leap Iris," Cisco says as sensitively as he can manage. 

I sink into the chair in front of the fancy computer and press my fingers to my temples. I know that Cisco is right, even if the picture is of Barry, there's no guarantee what version of Barry it is. Cisco puts a sympathetic hand on my shoulder, I can hear liquid pouring and glance up to see Caitlin filling the lid of her silver thermos with something steamy. I thank her as she sets it next to me without expectation. They know that I've been a little all over the place lately, I'm trying not to be, especially since Barry and I are as happy as a couple with an expiration date can be.

"Listen, even if this isn't the Barry that disappears in the future it could still be Barry," Cisco says. 

"Yeah, but what does it mean?" Caitlin says.

I take a sip of the hot brew, Earl Grey, and breathe a little. But my temporary calm is jolted away when I hear the doors slide open behind me and twist in my chair to see Barry come in. He greets me with a kiss that goes on just a half second too long, and I glance at Cisco, prompting him to hand over the drawing. 

I chew my thumb awaiting his response.

"You found it," Barry says. 

Not what I was expecting.

"Wait, you knew?"

Turns out that Barry's trip to the future held more information than he let on. Future me knows for a fact that Barry was the subject of the drawing, that I was rescued by him in fact. But Barry hasn't gone there just yet so he can't give me any more details aside from that. Cisco's powers can help me look into alternate realities and scenarios, maybe shake some memories loose, but he's still learning to use them, and we're talking twenty years here. The most he's ever looked into the past is a couple of weeks, and that was his own.

"A lot happens between now and then," Barry says. "None of it I'm supposed to know yet. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but she was pretty specific about letting events transpire naturally."

"Like me dying?" 

"Well in her defense she didn't know that was going to happen."

This time travel stuff makes my head hurt. "What do you think we should do?"

"I don't know, I don't know how I even end up there, or why."

"Iris has a theory," Cisco says.

"Actually it's more like a guess," I say. "I think the you that disappeared in the future could be the version in this drawing. I mean, it could be, right? Did I, I mean did future me tell you anything like that?"

I can tell before he says anything that the answer is no, he must have come back to her from that timeline before he disappeared for good. Did I mention this time travel stuff makes my head hurt? 

"Listen it was probably an accident, like the first time I traveled," Barry says. 

"Yeah, that makes sense," I say. "And even if there's more to it than that it's not like we can just send you to some unknown time in the past hoping you'll run into yourself."

I have to stop this, driving myself crazy. I'm happy, I want to be happy. And the more I obsess the more Barry keeps obsessing, combing through all of my notes, highlighting, circling, adding footnotes, racing to Metropolis to check in on that blue lightning sighting, only to find a perfectly innocent metahuman, a black doctor named Jefferson with two little girls and the ability to generate electricity. I'm still trying to talk Cisco out of the name Black Lightning. 

I want to find out the meaning of all of this, find out how to stop it, but so far all I'm finding are more things to stress over. I made the decision to live my life as normally as possible, and the second a children's drawing comes into the mix I go right back on that decision. Ten years to live, too close for comfort, too far for action. I'm at least prepared for it, aren't I? 

"Look you're right, it's probably nothing," I say.

"I didn't say it was nothing Iris," Cisco says. "I mean it's actually pretty dope, I just don't think it has anything to do with what happens, or you know, what might happen."

I'm not sure I want to think about this anymore, I just want to go home and fall asleep in his arms. Reverse Flash is nowhere on the planet, nowhere I can find him anyway. And Barry Allen may disappear in the future but he's here right now, and now is all anyone has. I let out a frustrated sigh and wilt against him. He holds me like he just wants to make it all go away.  
****  
It's a month before we decide to get an apartment together. Our combined salaries are just enough for a tiny place above Barry's favorite comic book store. He seems apologetic that it's the best we can do, but I insist that with a few nice touches it'll be kind of cute. I buy some blue paint from the hardware store and brighten up the dingy walls, and Barry finds a Luck Dragon skin rug that I hate but not for the reason he thinks.

"I'm just not cool with the idea of that nice dragon from The Neverending Story being skinned for decorative purposes," I say.

He makes fun of me in a cute way but agrees to sell it to Cisco and we get a funky rag rug from the flea market instead. We keep my bed because it's the more comfortable of the two, and bring in some cute things accumulated from different places, a glass lamp from goodwill, a big cushy bear hug of a green couch from a garage sale, an old dresser set with tarnished brass knobs from a sidewalk, an old cork dartboard for the back of the door. I put all of our pictures up on the walls, old and new. After thinking it over a bit I decide to put my scribbled drawing of him in a black frame. It may not lead us to anything, but I still think it's sweet to frame it.

Our first night we make up a cot below little towers of boxes, too spent to unpack them all or arrange our things in the right order, and we whisper into the night, considering the odd random noises coming from below and above. 

"Okay this place is definitely haunted," he says, when the old pipes do this groaning, knocking thing. I imitate the sound to egg him on.

"I'm going to kill you Barry Allen," I groan and whine behind my hand, making like the evil pipes are behind the whole thing. He tells me to stop and I pretend like I don't know what he's talking about. He attacks me with a pillow and we laugh and kiss ourselves asleep. 

We find something like a routine. I do the shopping and the cooking because I'm so much better at it, he does the cleaning because he's a helluva lot faster at it. We split up the bills because we've both been known to drag our feet on that sort of thing. We watch Netflix on our big couch, we agree that we'll take turns picking the shows but we end up arguing all the time anyway. In the middle of some science documentary that's only sort of interesting in spurts, I unzip his pants and put him in my mouth. When I finish I change it to _Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt_ and he doesn't say a damn thing about it, because of course he doesn't. It was supposed to be my night anyway.

Barry brings home a puppy one day out of the blue, says he found him huddled scared under a car after responding to a disturbance in the city. He's a sweet, shy, scruffy looking thing that backs away a little when I go to pet him and creeps up slowly under my hand. I ask Barry if we still have him in ten years, knowing I shouldn't, he says he'll end up living at Joe's because Dawn is allergic but can never stay away from the thing when they visit, that's one of the stories she told him. I'm a little scared that it's the same dog, or at least extremely similar to the picture Dawn showed him according to Barry. Everything is still happening the way it's supposed to happen. But even knowing where it leads I can't fight it because it's too wonderful. I give him a bath in a bucket outside and tie a red bandana around his neck because it makes him look scrappy, and he sleeps at the foot of our bed. I name him Kanye because he barks when a Taylor swift song comes on the radio. Barry says that's his name in the future too.

It's another month before things get bad again. It's not because of some other clue popping up that we don't know what to make of, or any other sighting or incident that I can't shake. In fact things are so calm and normal for awhile I almost forget that they can never really be either of those things. My periods aren't even normal, not usually. I'm always either a week late or a week early, so I don't think much of it when I go a month and a half without one. I'm busy after all, still working, still fighting, still loving Barry with everything I have and more. And at the risk of sounding irresponsible, I'll admit it, I've never really stayed on top of things in that area. I always use protection of course, but I don't exactly mark the days on my calendar in anticipation for the so to speak cotton pony.

I'm in a staff meeting when it happens. I have all of my notes for my profile on King Faraday, a story I was dreading at first but actually turned out pretty damned interesting, that's his real name for one thing. I'm awaiting my turn patiently, wishing I had gotten certain stories, grateful I didn't get saddled with others. Apparently they're repainting the county building, ZZZZZZ. But by the time they get to Linda and she gets the okay from the boss to investigate further into that Cougars doping scandal, my vision has started to go all wobbly, and my mouth is dry for no reason. 

I try to pour myself a glass of water from the pitcher but my hand shakes and I miss the mark by a half inch and spill a little on my notes. Linda looks genuinely concerned when she asks if I'm okay, and beats me to the punch dabbing up the spill with her napkin. She didn't like me much for a good long while, but we're a lot more cool now because a few weeks back I scored her an exclusive interview with Silas Stone, the father of that football kid that went missing during the particle accelerator explosion (We know exactly where the football kid is, his name is Vic, he's a metahuman, and he always kicks my ass at Halo, but Linda didn't need to know any of that). I tell her I'm fine and I sort out my notes, but I don't feel fine, I feel all twisted up inside, and dizzy, so damn dizzy. I think I'm unconscious before I even hit the floor. 

I wake up in a hospital, a tube sticking out of my arm, and Barry is next to me, his head down, my hand in his hand. I reach over and run a weak hand through his sandy brown hair, he needs a haircut. He jerks awake, fumbling and frantic, kissing my hands, stroking back the fuzzy hairs at my temple, thanking God, tears in his eyes. 

"Jesus I was freaking out," he says. "You alright baby?"

I think I am aside from feeling kind of weak and nauseous, like I'm hung over or something, but I had nothing to drink.

"What happened?" I say, surprised by the dry rattle of my voice. He pours me some water from the ugly mauve hospital pitcher and I take a long drink. My voice is clearer when I speak again. "How long was I out?"

"An hour or two, before I started nodding off myself." he says. "The doctor says you...

"What, what did he say?"

Barry looks troubled, like he can't quite figure out how to tell me. I know I can't be dying, I live to be at least 36. But still, dying would be more of a surprise than what comes out of his mouth next.

"Iris... you're pregnant," he says like he can't believe it, squeezing my hand a little harder.

I shouldn't have let myself be happy, not for a second. But there's happy there, underneath all of the surprise and panic, there's definitely happy, for like the tiniest of split seconds before I realize why Barry looks so distraught. This isn't supposed to happen yet. This isn't supposed to happen for another three years.  


I don't know who's inside of me, but I know it isn't the twins.

**Stay tuned folks!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, Although this is an extremely loose take on The Time Traveler's Wife, there are a couple of plot points from it I wanted to explore in this context, one which will come to play in the next chapter and some may consider troubling. Sorry in advance.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My life was never going to be normal Barry, I knew what I signed up for the moment I found out what you were. I knew that no matter what, no matter how mad I was at you, or how crazy that entire situation was, you'd always be my best friend, more than my best friend. I never had a choice.

About a month or so back, things sort of... slipped when me and Barry were together. Suffice it to say a little bit got inside, not all the way mind you but definitely in the proximity of all the way. We noticed immediately and I picked up a plan B during my lunch break the next day just in case, and that was pretty much the end of it. Or so I thought.

In any case laying in a hospital bed being told by my boyfriend that I'm pregnant three years before I'm supposed to be pregnant wasn't something I was expecting, but I can't say I'm not relieved, because this can only mean one thing, we've changed the future. So we'll have three kids instead of two. I always wanted three. Two boys and a girl named Donovan Joseph, Ruby Nora (apparently we decide on Nora Dawn in the future and they like to confuse people by going by the same name) and Mason Henry. I guess this one will be Mason Henry, if it's a boy. I wanted Logan Henry before my mentor died and I realized how surprisingly I missed him, as well as what a great name he had, and changed my mind. My hand reaches my stomach, already a little swollen, and here I thought the danishes were catching up to me.

"Are you... smiling?" Barry says, smiling a little himself, his eyes glistening.

"Yeah, I am." I say, my grin going wider, my own eyes tearing up. "I mean, this is crazy, we have exactly no money, and we're a little less than completely unprepared, but I mean. I kind of want this. Don't you?"

He lets out this little sound, a mix between a sigh and a chuckle, and he starts to nod, slow at first then vigorously. When he kisses me I want it all the more.

"I love you so much," he says, right against my mouth, and kisses me again. But then he moves away and his expression darkens, like he's being reminded of something all of a sudden.

"Babe, it's okay, we can still have the twins, this just means we're going to be even more exhausted for the next 21 years, 28 if they're anything like us."

He shakes his head curtly and my own expression falls. 

"It's not that babe."

"What is it?"

He looks like he can't figure out how to say it, and it's kind of freaking me out to be honest.

"What is it?" I repeat more firmly.

"I don't know how to say this but have you been... taking care of yourself?"

"Barry I don't smoke, and I had a drink the other day but I didn't even know I was pregnant, you can't hold that against me."

"No, that's not what I mean," he says. "Have you been... throwing up, like intentionally?"

Fuck you Barry Allen. I remember this conversation, only the last time we had it I was 16, and it was somehow less embarrassing and maddening than this, because how could he think I would go there again? That was a very dark and confusing few months in my past, why would he bring it up again now when we're actually happy?

"Why would you even say that right now? I mean have I shown any signs whatsoever of that?"

"No, not at all, but you know you were really good at hiding it before--"

"Barry!"

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he says, squeezing my hand. "I know that's a dick thing for me to say it's just that..."

"What?" I say, still on edge, still pissed off.

"The doctor said you fainted because you're extremely undernourished," Barry says. "Like haven't eaten anything in days undernourished."

That can't be right, I haven't even had any morning sickness , not in the usual sense, if anything I've been a lot hungrier lately. "Did you not see that breakfast burrito the size of a football I ate this morning?" 

"Yeah, I saw."

"Well I can tell you for a fact it didn't go anywhere."

And suddenly he makes a face like he's trying to solve a big equation in his head, only with the brain of a normal person. His eyes flutter closed, like the answer is something terrible.

"No, no please God no," he says, running a hand over his face.

"What, what's wrong?" and he looks behind him like he's making sure the coast is clear, and he gently slips the IV out of my arm as he stands up and Jesus Barry, what is wrong with you?

"What's happening? Talk to me."

"We have to see Caitlin."

"Why?"

"Because a normal doctor isn't going to be able to deal with what's inside of you."

"What do you mean?"

"The baby Iris, it's not like you it's... like me."

Before I can process what's just been said I'm out of there in the blink of an eye.  
****  
I haven't seen this much stressed out pacing since we found out Wells wasn't really Wells and my dad was missing. After examining me for God only knows how long Caitlin Snow has come to the conclusion that my pregnancy requires stressed out pacing.

"Based on almost every test I performed you're about four to five weeks along," Caitlin says. "Which doesn't correspond exactly to when your method of birth control failed, but considering these tests aren't completely accurate to the day it is possible that the emergency contraceptive you took also failed."

"Is that common?" I say.

"Not usually, unless it was already implanted when you took it," Caitlin says.

"But nobody can get pregnant that fast," Barry says.

"No, not unless..." Cisco starts, like he's trying to find a delicate way of saying it. "Your little soldiers are like... supersoldiers." 

So much for being delicate Cisco.

"Yes, in layman terms," Caitlin says, rolling her eyes. "But there's another problem. Although you yourself are only a few weeks pregnant, according to the ultrasound the fetus is nearly four months old."

"That's impossible we..." I let my protest die. I don't know why I'm trying to fight her on this, I know exactly why this is happening, but I don't want to know why, I don't want to know why at all. I want her to be wrong, because there are so many reasons why her being right will completely ruin everything. If the baby is growing at an increased rate inside of me, it will grow at an increased rate outside of me, meaning it will be a senior citizen before we're even middle aged, meaning... It will die sometime around its thirtieth birthday. I'm calm as I can be when I ask her if that is something we should worry about, and the look on her face suggests that's far from our only problem.

"Caitlin, what is it?" Barry says, he's so choked up he can barely get the words out, he's squeezing my hand so hard it hurts a little, but I'll be mad as hell if he lets go.

"Iris, your body can't handle the speed of the gestation. The fetus is sapping all of your nutrition and you're not adapting to accommodate it... And it's only going to get worse from here."

"Well, I can eat more, I mean, that's what Barry does," I say. "And the rapid aging, I'm sure we can fix it I mean you guys are scientists I...

I try really hard not to cry and fail miserably as Caitlin's expression saddens.

"You're not a metahuman," Caitlin says carefully. "I don't think you can carry a metahuman baby to term, not without risking your life."

But I do, I carry two metahuman babies to term. I do that, right? I look at Barry.

"This can't be right, I mean you saw it. I'm a mother in the future. The mother of _your children_ "

His face says exactly what I'm fearing. I'm a mother three years in the future. That's the way it was supposed to happen. I can't keep this baby because this baby isn't supposed to exist. I can't keep Barry from disappearing because he's meant to disappear. I can't live past 36 because I'm not supposed to. I think about it, Iris in the future must have known she was going to die, because I know I'm going to die and I'm her. Maybe she stopped fearing it, maybe she thought she avoided it and learned to breathe a little and live life until she found out she was wrong. Maybe she just gave up on the idea that she could change the future. Is that what I must do too? But Patty, he broke up with Patty before he was meant to break up with her, and circumstance didn't force them back together, but maybe fate didn't care to intervene when it came to a relationship that was already supposed to be temporary, just to make it a little less temporary. That was small potatoes compared to life and death.

"We've never studied metahuman genetics in this context before," Caitlin says. "It is a possibility that the twins inherit traits from Barry that aren't harmful to them or you."

"Or maybe we find a way to prevent something like this," Barry says, hopeful in a way that breaks my heart.

"Maybe we find a way to prevent something like this because we have to," I say quietly. "Maybe this happened before, maybe the reason we only have two in the future is because this one doesn't make it."

I don't want to talk about this anymore, I just want to go home and forget for a second how screwed we all are.

****

Caitlin almost doesn't let me go. She says she wants to monitor me. I know I should have stayed, but I couldn't. I couldn't bear to be there anymore. I told her I would return the next day to further discuss our options, but even that seems unnecessary. According to Caitlin I only have two. I can have it taken out or wait for nature to do it for me, possibly taking me out right with it. I think the only reason she doesn't cuff me to the bed is because she knows how fast Barry can get me to Star Labs if and when anything goes wrong, he calls off of work for tomorrow, insisting he'll stay with me.

Now I'm crying vigorously in the tub as Barry washes my back with a sea sponge and doesn't speak, doesn't cry, just looks like the whole world is crumbling down around him. I know how he feels.

"I didn't think that, who I am..." he trails off, looking for the words. " _What_ I am could hurt you. I never thought that for even a second."

"I know you didn't," I say through choked sobs. "None of us did."

"This isn't okay, none of this." he says, dropping the sponge in the water with a little splash. "You deserve so much better than this, you deserve a normal life."

I take a few deep breaths, calming myself enough to offer a weak smile. "My life was never going to be normal Barry, I knew what I signed up for the moment I found out what you were. I knew that no matter what, no matter how mad I was at you, or how crazy that entire situation was, you'd always be my best friend, _more_ than my best friend. I never had a choice."

"Yeah, because I never gave you one," he's raising his voice a little, but not at me, more like at himself. "I saw what I saw and instead of staying away I dove right in to a future I knew would doom you, what kind of a person does that?"

"Someone who loves me, someone who wants to be with me."

"Even if it means you die?"

He's up now, pacing again. So much pacing today. I step out and wrap a towel around myself to follow him out of the bathroom.

"What are you saying?" I say, swiping at my tears, wondering why he's staring so hard at the closet. He's not leaving me, I won't let him. I'm tired of men trying to act all brooding and tortured, hurting me because they think it's what's best for me. I know what's best for me dammit.

"Don't do this, don't you dare make this about you Barry Allen," I say.

"Don't you get it? Everything bad in your life _is_ because of me," he says. "Eddie is dead because I couldn't stop Reverse Flash, your pregnancy is in trouble because of what I am, you die trying to get me home. You sacrifice everything for me."

"Of course I do Barry, that's what you do for the people you love, you sacrifice. But do you think I resent you for it or something? No. Not even for a second."

"How could you not?"

"Because I asked for all of this. I make my own choices, and I choose you. No matter what, for better or worse. You make me happy, why can't you see that?"

"Iris--

"I could go outside right now and get hit by a bus, I could lose this baby for any number of reasons. The only thing you walking out of here is going to do for me is break my heart. Is that what you want?"

"I want you to be safe--

"That isn't your choice!"

He looks like he's at some kind of war with himself, I hate him so much right now but not nearly as much as I love him. I don't think I love anything or anyone as much as him, and he's a goddamned idiot if he can't see that. I'll make him see it. I kiss him deeply in spite of his protests, I cup the back of his head so he can't move away, and his lips finally soften under mine. I can taste the salt of his tears and feel his hands shake as he holds me.

"Please just stay with me Barry," I whisper. "I can't lose you right now."

"I don't know what to do anymore," He says. I know he isn't thinking rationally, that his head is all mixed up with grief and worry, so is mine. "I'm supposed to be a hero and I've never felt more helpless."

"You are a hero, and one day we'll--

"What? What's wrong?"

It's that feeling again, that twisted up inside feeling. It's why Caitlin wanted me to stay, she tried to sugarcoat it as best as she could, but she knew, there was a very real possibility that I didn't have days to make a decision. I had hours. I look down to see the dark puddle collecting at my feet, and back up to see the horrified look on Barry's face.

He gets me back to Star Labs in about 30 seconds but it's still too late. 

Caitlin gives me something for the pain and I sob loud, violent sobs as Barry rocks me in his arms, him and the medicine putting me into a fitful sleep. I dream about things I've never dreamed of before, about a little blue sled I had until I was too big to ride it. I dream of tumbling hard down a big hill on a cold, cold day, and my dad warming my feet by the fire. I dream of someone in my window, someone very familiar, looking at me like he knows me. Then everything goes black.

I feel weak and hoarse and gutted when I wake, and I wonder immediately where Barry is. Before I fell asleep he was on my bed, cradling me as I cried myself to sleep. I want him here now. I need him here, I look to the chair beside me, hoping he's just moved so I'd be comfortable. But it's not him. It's dad.

"Daddy?" I say, I haven't called him daddy since I was twelve, but right now it feels right. 

"Hey baby girl." They must have told him exactly what happened, that must be why he looks so sad. 

"How long was I sleeping?"

"About two days. Caitlin's going to come check you out. Make sure everything is okay. As okay is it can be anyway." 

I nod my head, I know what he means, I got to be a mother for less than 24 hours, I won't be completely okay for awhile.

"How is Barry, is he okay?" I know Barry was just a little bit happy for a few minutes before everything went so wrong, and I know he must be feeling about as bad as I do right now.

"Dad?" I say when he doesn't answer right away. "Where's Barry?"

"That's the thing sweetheart," He says carefully. "We don't know."

_Stay tuned folks._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about it long and hard, and the next chapter is going to have to be from Barry's POV. I'm simply not skilled enough a writer to get around it considering what happens next. I hope you don't mind spending some time with his thoughts for a bit (although I agree, everything on the show is all Barry all the time), I'm sure some of you even welcome it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I would do anything for her, fight any enemy. When she's sad, or hurting it's like I want nothing more than to beat the thing responsible. It just never occurred to me that the thing responsible would one day be me.

My girl has always had this crazy hold on me. Well less a hold than a full-on gravitational pull. I guess that's what love feels like to most people, but it's hard to say. In any case, when you're connected to someone like that, not because of anything you can control or even really see, it gets hard to know where you end and they begin. It's like you feel everything they feel. When they're happy you can be coming off of the most miserable gutpunch of a day ever and just seeing them smile can turn it around just a little. When they're sad, Michael Jordan can walk up to you on the street and give you a million dollars and a high five and it still won't set everything just right until they're happy again too. I can never know what it's like to lose a life that was inside of you, not even one I had a part in creating, all I know is that when I was holding Iris on her bed, feeling her little body heave with the emotion of what she lost... well, something happened, something snapped.

I fight bad guys, it's what I do, it's what I've always wanted to do. It's what she has always wanted to do too, ever since we were young and used to play cops and robbers or villains and heroes and it never worked because neither of us wanted to be the robber or the villain. I sometimes wonder how things would have been different if she would have been the one to get powers that day, how much better she would have been at it. It's true, I'm secure enough in my manhood to believe that wholeheartedly. She can fight like a beast, she's braver than anyone without a superpower has any right to be. She saved my ass countless times growing up, maybe not in the traditional sense (unless you count that time she dunked Tony Woodward's head in the pool), but she saved it nonetheless. Like back in high school, when she became this impossible goddess and everyone wanted to be her friend and I was still this awkward dude who couldn't shut up about atoms for five seconds and had acne on my forehead that my man bangs barely disguised, she saved me. She just sat across from me every day at lunch in her cheerleader uniform and talked to me like it was nothing "Oh my god, Barry, you'll never guess what happened," she would say, like I was the coolest guy in the world and I just had to be in on everything going on in her life, like it didn't really count until she told me. And her eyes would shine up when she met me in the hall and took my arm and leaned against me. She made me feel love before I ever felt like I was worthy of it. She did that.

Becky Cooper was my only girlfriend in high school, she was on the squad with Iris and she asked her one time why she hung out with "that loser" when she thought I couldn't hear, and Iris just shot back like it was nothing "he's a lot cooler than you," and she took my arm again. I think Becky dated me because she was jealous of Iris, of her confidence, the fact that she was popular without ever being a bitch and, and I went for it because I wanted to know what it was like to be with someone, and maybe wanted to fit in for Iris's sake, but I never felt that pull, that hold. I've never felt that with anyone before or since.

We never talked about the same things. I would always ramble about things she didn't understand, and it would make her sad sometimes, like there would come a point where I would be the success and her best days would be past her, and I would forget about her or something. She said that once after junior prom when we were on her bed together and I explained my end of the year project to her. "Just don't forget about me when you're this big time science guy and I'm just your ditzy friend from high school," she said, not like a joke, like she meant it. I could have kissed her right then, I should have. I don't know if Iris can ever truly realize how completely I love her, how I even love the things that she doesn't love so much about herself. I would do anything for her, fight any enemy. When she's sad, or hurting it's like I want nothing more than to beat the thing responsible. It just never occurred to me that the thing responsible would one day be me. 

Suddenly I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at the world, at fate, because it should have chosen her. If she were like me none of this would have happened, she could save the world and have a family, and I could just be the lowly guy who helped her with the science stuff by day and loved her at night. 

Instead I'm the guy who's very existence kills her in the future, who's existence hurt her in one of the worst ways a woman can be hurt. When her body stilled against me and she fell asleep in my arms I leaned down and whispered in her ear.

"I'm so sorry for everything, I love you," and I kissed her eyebrow and I ran. I got in the suit and I ran. I wasn't running away, not from her, because she asked me to stay and dammit I can't leave her if she asks me to stay, even if I thought for a split second about disappearing. I ran in search of some invisible enemy, of something to defeat. I fight bad guys, it's what I do, and when the bad guy is nature itself I have to find a way to fight it, so I ran, I kept running, fast, faster, the fastest I've ever ran, until finally nature broke. And now I'm here.

The thing is, I don't know where here is. It's cold, snowing actually, and there's blood at my feet. Little faint spots. I look over to the side of me. I remember that sled, the blue one. It used to hang in Joe's garage. There's something else, a shoe, a child's shoe. And just then I see her, a tiny little thing, so small she could be four or five. She's passed out on the snow, missing a shoe, blood seeping through her little white hat, her curly hair hanging out of it in two little tendrils.

"Iris," I nearly whisper. I scramble down to her side, check her pulse. It's faint and slow, but there.

"Iris, hey," I say, trying to shake her awake. She doesn't stir, but she's breathing. I need to get her someplace warm before she freezes out here. I pick her up easily. This is strange, almost too strange to think about for too long, so I don't. We aren't far from Joe's house, she must have wandered off by herself, she used to do that, the thing about children of overprotective parents is that they're naturally rebellious, even this young she can't be tamed. It takes a little while to find it, and by little while I mean more than minute, and another few seconds to pick the lock. It's as I suspect, Joe isn't home, he must be out looking for her. I'll stay until he gets here, I'm fast enough to make sure he doesn't see me.

I lay her down on the couch in the den and it takes a few more minutes for her big eyes to blink open. She looks at me, puzzled, and she asks who I am. 

"I'm the Flash," I say, trying not to cry, it's hard though. 

"Where's my dad?"

"He's coming, he's out looking for you."

"I'm mad at him, he took my sled away."

"He was probably afraid you'd get hurt," I don't want to tell her he was right, considering all of the things he ends up being wrong about. I wonder what else it's safe to tell her, there's so much she doesn't know yet, she can't even begin to fathom the life that's ahead of her.

"You're going to be an amazing lady one day," I say, and I kiss the edge of her white hat, and she smiles at me in a way that makes my heart beat off step.

"Iris!" the sound of Joe's voice jolts me out of my train of thought, and before she can yell for me to wait, I'm in back of the house. I'll stay to make sure Joe gets inside all right. It's a few minutes before I spot them through the window, a bandaid on her head, Joe carrying her into the living room to get a fire started. I think she smiles at me through the window before I'm gone.

I'm in 1994, and I have no idea how to get back. I can try running again, but I don't know where I'll end up if I do. All I know is I have to stay out of sight until I think of something. Nobody is supposed to know about the Flash yet, and if I end up running into myself that can open up a whole other can of worms I can't even begin to think about. so I stay hidden. I take off my suit and hide it someplace safe, maybe not safe in the way that matters right now, but safe in that no one will find it. I have no money for food, and I don't know anyone that I can explain this to without them freaking out. Caitlin and Cisco are both very smart for five year olds I'm sure, but they can't help me here. I think for awhile about not going back at all, about living in 1994 and going somewhere else, geographically speaking, where I can't hurt Iris anymore, where she can live the life she deserves, and I remember what she told me, how I have to respect her choices. And even if I never could understand her love for me I know it's real, and I know I would only hurt her more by staying away.

Then I remember, Wells, Wells is still alive and he knows enough about time theory to at least get his head around my situation. He's a big part of the reason I'm in this mess. Maybe he can even stop what it is inside of me that ends up destroying the woman I love. Maybe I can make him understand. So I run, I run and I think of all of the things I want to say to him. It makes me sad to think the last time I was in his house it wasn't really him living there, but I try to put that in the back of my mind, hoping against hope that he's there and that he'll listen. 

I breath a few deep, calming breaths before I knock, and I fix my hair as if that's somehow the biggest hurdle here. A pretty blonde woman answers.

"Hello, is there something I can do for you young man?" She says.

She must only be two or three years older than I am now, but she's a bigger prodigy than I ever was, so for her to call me young man seems fitting.

"I need to talk to you, and your hus-- ow!" something has hit me. I turn my gaze toward the direction it's coming from and... this can't be happening, she can't be here right now, but she is, right out of Tess's view, shaking her head and making a slashing gesture with her hand like I'm about to make a horrible mistake.

"Are you okay?" Tess says, trying to look in the direction I'm looking, but the perp has already ducked out of the way.

"Yeah, I think it was just a... bee sting, you know what never mind, I think this is the wrong house."

She looks understandably confused as I flee her porch. But she mercifully shuts the door without any other questions. I look around for the one who threw the rock, not seeing her until I'm suddenly jerked behind a row of hedges.

"There you are, we've been looking everywhere for you," Iris says, only it isn't Iris, not the one I left behind, she looks the same, only her hair is shorter, with bangs, and she looks a lot happier than she did when I left, and there's a ring, a wedding ring on her finger. This isn't just Iris, it's my wife Iris, from the future. How far into the future I don't know, her hair and clothes are more mature, but her face is still youthful. Before I can ask one of the many questions I have right now she kisses me like she wants to steal my breath, and I kiss back because I can't not. When she moves away it almost hurts, it feels so good to see her this way, happy, kissing me like everything's okay.

"Just so you know where we stand." she says shrugging. "It's against the rules but I couldn't help it."

"Iris, what are you doing here?" I say 

"Cisco and I came to find you, to tell you not to bother Wells. You don't want to do anything to change the past Bear. Besides we can help you get home."

"Wait I don't... how are you even here?" I know I'm supposed to be smarter than average but I've never felt stupider.

"Cisco built a machine, his powers helped him to modify the one you used to try to save your mom, it can take us back and forth through time, but you, you have the power to travel on your own. You just need his help to end up in the right place." I've had this conversation with her before, but I was in her time then, now neither of us are where we should be. "That's why we came to find you, to help , this is the first time you get lost further in the past than a day or so. We know this isn't quite keeping with the rules but we figure it's better to use this little window to help you get home than have you wreak havoc all over the past. Just a hint, going to Wells, not such a great idea, but it's okay you had no way of knowing that."

"Back up I don't--

"Look, we don't have time to play 20 questions right now, we have to go meet Cisco, he's standing guard in the woods, come on."

And I go with her, because even when she knows things I don't know, things that she can't tell me, I trust her.

****

We find my suit where I left it, under the porch at my old house. I don't tell her why I chose to leave it there, but I think she knows. She doesn't scold me about wanting to see my mom for just a second as she comes home with groceries. Once we collect the suit, staying out of view, She tells me where to go and I carry her there. Cisco looks the way he did when I went to the future before, scruffy, shorter hair, and the machine is in the middle of the woods. I didn't realize it could move, but I guess it has to in their case or else they'll end up stuck like I am. She explains to me that they can't use it often, only in case of emergencies like this one.

"Okay, you'll go first," Cisco explains. "The machine doesn't have to carry you the whole way like us, it just sort of aims you in the right direction, he explains like the last time he explained this to me. Now you're traveling forward, not backward so it is possible to overshoot it a little, since where you're going hasn't technically happened yet, but don't worry aside from pissing off a few people you aren't going to be much worse for the wear."

They try to rush me past any questions or concerns I may have, this isn't the same as the time before. To them I haven't been missing for a month, they don't get sentimental aside from Iris holding my hand, but I can't help but turn toward her anyway.

"Iris, Iris wait, i have to know--

"No, no telling you about the future," Iris says holding up a scolding finger. 

"But when I left you were...

"I know, I know what I was," she says sadly. "And I'm okay, I promise you."

"And the kids--

"Barry--

"What about, what I told you, about the future, what do we find out?"

"What is it about you and not listening to anything we say?" Cisco says, annoyed. 

"I'm sorry, but I have to know, what do you find out? Please tell me." She squeezes my hand a bit harder, she clearly wants to put my mind at ease in some way, it's not enough that she looks like she stopped fearing her eventual outcome a long time ago.

"I can't tell you what I know Bear, I'm sorry, only that a lot is going to change in the coming years of Barry and Iris, things that are going to change the world."

She kisses me again before I can ask any more questions, "when Cisco finishes the machine and not a second before, tell him and Iris to go find you on January 14th 1994, that and nothing else okay, I love you sweetheart, be safe."

She turns me around, and I didn't think it was possible, but a little chuckle escapes me when she gives me an encouraging slap on the behind, sending me into the machine.

"Did you just smack my ass?" I say, and she laughs and I shake my head and smile more

She _is_ happy. Wherever she comes from I make her happy there.

This time nothing escapes the machine, I don't see Iris die, she just disappears in front of me.

**Stay tuned folks!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I turn sharply, expecting to be face to face with nothing at all, but no, it's him, plain as day right in front of me. His hood is down, his hair a mess, and he's looking at me like he hasn't seen me in 20 years. For all I know that may be true.

I can name seven separate instances when Barry Allen has ended up on my shit list.

Sixth grade: He told everyone in the lunch room that I got my first period. Granted it was by accident, he has a hard time controlling the volume of his voice when he's freaking out, and nothing freaks a twelve year old boy out more than the concept of menstruation.

Eighth grade: I got a haircut and he said, and I quote, "it makes your head look smaller." What the hell was that supposed to mean Barry?

Eleventh grade: Becky cooper asked him out on a date and the idiot said yes. Gross.

My 21st birthday party: He showed up six hours late because he missed his train from college. But in his defense the all night movie marathon complete with brownies we enjoyed after the fact was kind of more fun than the party.

Christmas 2014: He confessed his long-held feelings for me at the worst time possible.

Last year: He spent months lying to me about the fact that he had freaking superpowers.

Right now: I'm coming off of one of the worst things to ever happen to me, after a whole year of worst things that can happen to a person, and he's not here. It's been over a week, ten days going on eleven and no Barry Allen. 

He was saying all of those things, about how I would have been better off without him. Him and his stupid man-pain. I'll give him a break, I know that what happened to me was a lot for him too, and that we've been in this state of constant worry for as long as we've been a couple and this was kind of the straw that broke his back. But to leave, just like that, without a word. It's so unlike him. The Barry I know doesn't leave me, not for anything. But where is he? Why hasn't he called? He could have at least left a letter or told someone, If not for my sake than for the sake of the city.

Things have been kind of quiet here since he left, no megalomaniacs trying to blow things up, thank God. The most we've had to deal with was the kidnapping of this big CEO courtesy of a middling technopath. The only other technopath we know is that kid Vic I told you about, but he's still recovering and learning to use his robotic implants, so Cisco and my dad took the reins on that one. 

We also had a telekinetic trying to rob a bank two days ago. The cops were able to apprehend him and they sent him to us for safe keeping until his trial. Of course he had to make matters worse by trying to get away. I don't know whether I was feeling particularly brave that day or was just mad as hell, but I kept him from escaping Star Labs with a good old fashioned ass-kicking. I recovered twice as fast from the miscarrige as I was supposed to, Caitlin said it was because the baby left me with some of its healing factor, felt like it watching over me somehow. I'll miss it when it goes away. But needless to say I brought the pain pretty epically. I think Cisco wanted to help but he was a little afraid of getting in my way. So yeah, we've been handling things, it isn't the same though. As long as the city is still breathing it needs The Flash. And as long as I'm still breathing I need Barry Allen. 

As far as everything else goes, I feel a little more okay about things now that I've had time to process. I feel like I can heal from this. I would like to start talking to Caitlin about our options if and when we decide to have children on purpose, but it's really hard to have that conversation when the potential father has fallen off of the planet. Everybody is on the same page as I am. Nobody thinks that Barry would just up and leave, no matter how hard he was angsting before. But when I think about how unlikely it is that he would disappear because he wanted to, I start to get this sinking feeling that he's in some kind of trouble, and I'd almost prefer the alternative. I've looked everywhere for him, in every nook and cranny of the city and beyond. I've been more thorough than an obsessive compulsive Carmen Sandiego fangirl, we all have. My boss wants me to run the story, the first after returning to work, something along the lines of "Where Is The Flash?" I don't want to, because if I do that means he's officially missing and I refuse to believe that.

Stein's theory is that he's lost in time again, and I'm starting to fear that it's true. I keep having the same dream, about the sled, about Barry looking at me through the window. It's strange but it feels less like a dream than a memory, it's like I can remember that day from the drawing, like I never really forgot it, although it comes in fragments. I wonder if this is happening because he went back and made that memory. Is that how this works? Is time really always changing, even the things we've already lived through? All I know is if that's where Barry ended up I have no idea how to bring him home.

I left Star Labs after two days of rest, but I might as well have stayed considering all of the time I'm spending here lately. Martin is trying to help Cisco strengthen his powers. He says if he can really focus it, his power to see alternate timelines and realities could have infinite uses. For one, getting Barry back. Caitlin has been doing experiments of her own. Ronnie is a lot better but he still has issues with his powers, and him and Martin are still doing that thing where they absorb each other's personalities from time to time, which must be super weird for her. She's put things on hold for now because she wants to find Barry as much as we all do, but with Ronnie combusting more frequently her focus has been kind of divided lately. I do whatever I can to help, I'm good at talking to people who may have answers that we don't have, and I've been doing a lot of research on her behalf. Caitlin has been doing everything she can to help find Barry, so I don't mind helping her get all of the information she can on getting her husband back to normal. It's a plus that I'm learning things about cryotherapy. I always knew that I had some ability to comprehend this science stuff. I'm not going to lie though, some of what she's looking into kind of freaks me out.

Work, dad and Starlabs are the only things keeping me sane, but I can't help stealing away to a quiet spot ever now and then and letting out a few hushed sobs. Right now Cisco is trying to see what would have happened if he had taken the bus today instead of driving, some small alternate reality stuff that will hopefully lead to big alternate reality stuff. Caitlin is standing by in case something explodes, and I'm standing alone in the control room breaking down for the third time today. I need to get it together, We'll find him, I know we will.

"Barry, where are you?" I say in a near whisper.

My heart nearly stops when he actually answers.

I turn sharply, expecting to be face to face with nothing at all, but no, it's him, plain as day right in front of me. His hood is down, his hair a mess, and he's looking at me like he hasn't seen me in 20 years. For all I know that may be true.

"Iris..."

He's been gone for eleven days, no explanation, no note, no nothing. I should be pissed off, I should be beyond pissed off but I'm not. I'm too happy to see him to be even remotely mad at him.

"How?" Is my only question as I bury myself in his warm, solid embrace, it's the only word I can manage to get out.

"A friend, a very good friend helped me get back," Is all he offers, I'm guessing it's all he can offer. "You're better now, how far did I overshoot it? Please don't say a couple of years."

"Eleven days," I tell him. He lets go but I keep holding on, my cheek firm against his chest, I can hear his heartbeat, so fast it's nearly humming.

"I'm so sorry," he says, wrenching me away from him gently so he can look me in the eyes. "Iris, I... you shouldn't have had to go through a second of that alone."

"I wasn't alone," I assure him, thinking of the way Cisco ate all of his lunches with me while I was recovering, and how Caitlin tried very unsubtly to grief counsel me in the guise of girl talk. Martin was probably my biggest shoulder, his wife lost a baby too. "But... why did you leave? Where were you trying to go?"

"I wasn't trying to go anywhere, I promise you that," he says. "I just, I needed to run, I needed to drown out all of the anger and the sadness I was feeling and the only way to do that was just to run, and I guess I just went a little too fast."

"And ended up in 1994?"

He furrows his brow, confused, because how on earth could I know that? 

"I remember Barry," I say. "I mean, I thought maybe it was some recurring dream, but no, it was you. You saved me that day I fell off of the sled, didn't you?"

"I did."

"And I didn't start to really see it until you disappeared that night. You changed something in my past Barry, but at the same time, it's like it was always there. I don't know how to explain it."

"Neither do I."

I can't explain a lot of things. No matter how much Stein tries to simplify it for me I can't fully grasp all of the applications of string theory. I don't know why the hell the Kardashians are so popular, I've watched their show, it's even more boring than Stein's lectures on string theory, and they don't stammer all adorably like he does. I don't know why people are so cruel to each other when being kind is so easy. And I can't begin to explain why just seeing Barry right now can turn everything around so completely 

"Are you okay, I mean. Is everything okay?" He says carefully, and I nod against his chest. 

"It is now."

"Are you sure, because-

"Barry?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"Okay."

I'm the tiniest bit aware that Cisco and Caitlin are in the room now, come to check on me, almost as thrilled as I am about who's with me. But I'm a bit busy at the moment. I haven't made out with Barry in eleven days after all.

Things are slowly getting back to normal. Barry was afraid to touch me for awhile, scared I wasn't ready, or that we might make a mistake again. I had to use great cunning to get in those pants again, and by great cunning I mean a very scandalous nightie and my Eartha Kitt voice. It feels beyond good to be with him that way after what feels like so long, it feels normal, or as normal as a speedster getting it on with an intrepid reporter can feel.

Barry seems happier too. I don't know what he found out going to the past, who the friend who helped him was, but that person is a miracle because he's smiling the way he used to. He was singing Jason Derulo the other day during his failed attempt at cooking me an omelet and after I teased him about it things escalated pretty quickly. To put it delicately we kind of made a colossal mess of our kitchen and I may have gotten Pam in places Pam should never be. 

Seeing him happy makes it easier to not think so hard about what's coming, even if it does have a way of hitting me randomly every once in a while. All he has to do is tickle me from behind when I get a little too absorbed in work, or get to rambling about entropy until I kiss him quiet, and I don't know, things are just... good. But the thing about life is, once one part of it starts to look up, other parts seem to fall to pieces almost immediately.

Today was a busy day. On the picture News Side my write up about Louise Lincoln's indictment made the front page, now Caitlin wants me to look into getting some very top secret data from that case. I know she wouldn't be asking if she weren't desperate. Ronnie hasn't been in the lab much lately because of his headaches and the flare ups. I think she's afraid she might lose him, I know what that's like, it's the worst feeling in the world. But the fact that Caitlin seems to be leaning toward replicating the science that gave Lincoln ice powers and killed twelve people more than scares me. She swears to me she isn't trying to replicate anything, and she only wants to know what safe applications her experiments may have as far as Ronnie is concerned. I know I can get that data, I got pretty chummy with Lincoln's old partner, and my research is partially responsible for clearing him of any blame for the deaths, still, I can't give Caitlin what she wants, and I'm a little scared she's going to go to Felicity for help without telling her the facts. I know it's wrong to talk to Barry about any of this but Cisco is worried too, she's been asking him questions about his cold gun that are wigging him out just as much.

"Do you think we should be worried, about Caitlin?" I tell Barry once we're home from Star Labs. Barry thinks the world of Caitlin, they were kind of best friends for awhile when I didn't know everything, and as much as I wanted to resent them for that, once I got to know her I couldn't help thinking the world of her too, so I know that neither of us want to be worried about Caitlin right now.

"I think I _am_ worried about Caitlin," he says a little darkly. "I just, I don't think there's a kind of intervention for this."

We've both been so caught up in all of our time hopping drama that we haven't been there for our friends the way we should have been. I know they understand, but that doesn't change the fact that the particle accelerator didn't just affect Barry that day, that the blowback from what happened is still rearing its ugly head. We make the decision to talk to Caitlin, to make sure she knows that she isn't alone, and that we'll do everything we can to help Ronnie without her having to resort to anything dangerous. 

I twist the key in the lock and open the door, and suddenly me dying in ten years and Caitlin dabbling in supervillain stuff isn't our most immediate issue. 

"Barry what the hell happened here?" I say. It looks like the place has been robbed, the chairs and tables are overturned, the couch cushions are thrown to the other side of the room, there is paper strewn all over the place. But the TV is still here, and God knows it's the only thing remotely valuable in this place. Whoever was here was looking for something."This couldn't have been Caitlin, could it? Because I don't have any data on the Lincoln case here." 

"No, she was still at Star Labs when we left." 

"I don't know, that Big Belly Burger run she went on took a lot longer than usual," I say. 

"It wasn't her," Barry says. He's squatting down by a scattered stack of documents and he picks up something. "Whoever was here wanted us to know. And I think he wanted to piss us off." 

For half a second I fear that maybe a speedster ran through here, a very specific speedster. But when Barry hands me the slip of paper my stomach drops a little. It's not Caitlin, it's not Thawne. It's not anyone I know at all, but when I read what's on the paper I get to thinking I really should. 

__

_Hey Sis,_

Let me just cut to the chase. I've read your stories. You know why I'm like this, and I want answers, NOW. Come to this address, come alone. ~ W. West  
45 Adsit Ave. Keystone City

"Sis?" 

**Stay tuned folks!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never thought a story that I considered posting as a one shot would end up being one of my most complicated (and ultimately, probably one of my most lengthy), but finding a way to work in many of the big events that will transpire between now and 2024 must be done, I hope I can do them justice.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I do know it, and there's nothing I want more than to marry him. There was once a time when the name Iris West-Allen freaked me out beyond comprehension, now I want it, I want it as desperately as I want the man laying next to me.

I have a problem with being lied to, I think you probably realize that about me by now, but what do I do with the fact that the person who insisted on lying to me about being someone's sister is actually me? When Barry read the note there was something in his face suggesting he was waiting for this. Apparently in the future I have a brother, one Barry didn't get a chance to meet but knew about all the same. 

I've always wanted a sibling, a real one. Not that Barry isn't all the family a girl could need, but considering the weird feelings I had for him growing up that I did everything in my power to keep in, I'd rather not think of him that way.

"She told me not to tell you," Barry explains, I nod, leaning in with more questions in my eyes. "Granted I told you a lot of things I wasn't supposed to tell you but in this case I barely knew anything aside from you have a brother named Wally... and-"

"So it's true, this isn't some crazy guy?" I say, reading the note again. I'm partially aware of the fact that I just cut Barry off, but I'm feeling more than a little frantic.

"I think it's worth looking into."

I pace the floor so vigorously Kanye darts out of my way, scared of being trampled. If a guy who's clearly troubled claims to be your brother, and your boyfriend who's had a sneak preview of the future and sort of confirms it, says it's worth looking into, it's worth looking into right?

"This is, this is big. I mean he's my brother, like my actual brother?"

"You said brother, pretty sure you meant brother."

I sit down on the edge of the bed and reread the note, "sis," he called me "sis," but that was pretty much the only shades of familial warmth present. The messy scrawl, the all caps on a choice word, and the overall brusque lack of sentiment in the note suggest he's a bit angry with me. The fact that he wrote a note at all suggests he's lived long enough without me in his life to warrant that anger. I get up again. I look in the mirror and fix my hair and get to freshening my lipgloss.

"Wait, you're going now?" Barry says. "It's eleven at night."

"So, do you honestly think I can wait another second? I have to see him now."

"What makes you think he'll even be awake?"

"This is long lost family we're talking about," I grab a coat from the closet, only to realize I never took off the coat I came in with. I'm nervous, clearly. "He'll wake up for that."

Something else in the letter struck me. _I've read your stories, you know why I'm like this._ That could mean a lot of things, I don't always write about metahumans, last issue had a story about homeless teens. He isn't a homeless teen is he? Even if he was, what sort of answers could I give him?

"Barry, I know you say you don't know anything else about my brother. How true is that?"

He's making that face he makes sometimes when he's eaten the last pop-tart and knows I'm a split second away from finding out.

"Barry?"

"Well he... may have speed powers."

I sink down on the bed again. This is too much information to get at once. The kid has powers. Barry wasn't alone when he discovered what he could do. He had Cisco, he had Caitlin. As much as I hate to admit it, Wells being there helped him too. This kid, Wally, has he been special ever since the particle accelerator exploded? Is he one of the new metahumans that starting popping up after the singularity spread over central city? Either way if he had to come to me for answers he must not know a whole lot about the world of resources available to him. How much must it have freaked him out when he first realized what he could do? Does he know how much he has to eat every day just to stay on his feet? 

"Were there any pictures of him when you went to the future, did he look loved?"

"Iris, babe."

It's not until he's on the bed next to me, rubbing my back soothingly that I realize I was hyperventilating. My breath starts to slow as his hand does. 

"I can't believe this, he's all alone."

"We don't know that."

"Barry, he lives on Adsit avenue, that's like one of the worst stretches of real estate in Keystone. It makes our place look like Oliver Queen's."

"That just means he's poor, not alone. We don't even know how old he is."

"Judging by his handwriting I'm going to guess around 17."

"How did you-

"I have to go," I shove the note messily into my pocket as I dart up from the bed. "I have to see him."

Before I can get out the door Barry's already standing in front of it. "Iris wait, you're not going there by yourself," He insists.

"This note says to come alone."

"Not at eleven at night it doesn't," He says. "Besides, I can get you there a lot faster."

Before I can even protest we're here, Adsit avenue, Keystone city. I hate when he does this without warning me. Okay I love it, it's like 800 times as fun as a motorcycle, but still, this is serious business.

"I guess I'm not going to change your mind," I say.

"If you want I can wait out here."

I don't know why, whether I'm overcome with emotion or what, but I grab him by the lapels and pull him down to kiss me, not a chaste kiss either, it goes on a while.

"Iris, hey, babe are you okay?"he says, breaking away, rubbing my arms up and down.

"Yeah," I say, out of breath, my voice all shaky. "I just... should I have told my dad, I mean, this is kind of his son right? Oh my God my dad has a love child, that's so weird."

"He wants to see you first."

"But what if he hates me, I mean that letter looked angry, didn't it look angry to you?"

"You have got to calm down. He's going to love you, who wouldn't love you?"

I love this man. The tension in my shoulders starts to fall away and I raise my fist to knock. There's no doorbell and the paint is all split and chipped, and his mailbox is bursting with letters and old bills that don't say West on them, for a second I think it's the wrong place, but he said 45 Adsit and this is 45 Adsit.

"Maybe I should have waited," I say, my fist still an inch away from the door, frozen there. "I mean if I would have waited I could have like brought him a care package or something, I'm just showing up in the middle of the night like this, that's rude isn't it?"

Barry looks more than a little exasperated, I can't say I blame him, but I can't stop myself.

"Look at his door, we could have brought some paint for his door at least-"

"Iris," Barry says, pressing the heels of his hands over his eyes, frustrated.

"I'm sorry but look at this place, it's awful, that poor kid-

"I can hear you!"

We both look forward, thinking we imagined it at first, or maybe it came from some other house.

"Hello?" I say carefully.

"I can hear you!" he repeats, his voice deeper than I would have expected. He yanks the door open, the light from inside the small apartment spilling out onto the stoop. His posture is confident and makes him appear taller than he probably is, he's also a bit bigger and wider than Barry, but his face, even with it's obviously practiced scowl, suggests he's a kid no older than 18.

"Who's the white kid?" He says, jerking his chin forward toward Barry.

"Not a kid," Barry says. "And you're not exactly Idris Elba yourself."

"Okay, now's really not the time," I say making a talk to the hand gesture sideways at Barry. "Hi, I'm Iris." 

Wally doesn't respond, or return my offered handshake, he's sizing me up and I can tell. He looks like me, it could be some latent sisterly affection at work, but the eyes, the nose, probably the smile too if he were smiling, they're all like mine. The only difference is he's built like a dude, while I'm short and slight as a Romanian preteen. 

"What's with the creepy smile?" Wally says, looking a little scared, and I realize I've been staring at him silently for the last 30 seconds.

"Wally," I say thickly, and not being able to help it I throw myself at the boy, hugging him tightly.

"What's happening, what do I do?" Wally says nervously, holding his hands out to keep from touching me.

"Yeah, you're not going to get her to let go unless you hug her back, I'm just going to level with you now," Barry says, mild amusement in his voice.

He's slow and cautious as he hugs me back, clearly reluctant, but I couldn't care less.

"I told you to come alone," He says as I release him.

"Yeah, we know. But I think I might be able to help you with your situation," Barry says.

"And what would that be?" He doesn't trust us, he especially doesn't trust Barry, but he will. We'll make sure of it.

"You're a speedster, aren't you?" I say.

"You got all that from my letter?"

"It's kind of a long story" Barry says. "But don't worry, I know what you're going through. I'm one too."

He looks between the two of us, still skeptical, and Barry lets out an acquiescing sigh. Wally's eyes light up in amazement as Barry zips a few times up and down the street, proving it, but he remains as straight and stoic as he can manage.

"Like I said," Barry says as he's once again still at the front door. "I'm one too."

"Damn, you're The Flash?"

"I am," Barry says.

Wally doesn't say anything else, but he steps aside and lets us in.

His apartment is a travesty, paint peeling off of the walls, exposed tacks on the floor where the carpet doesn't cover, and aside from a lumpy, thin mattress in the corner of the room, an upturned crate for an inn table and two chairs, there is no furniture. It's neat at least, no clothes or clutter all over the floor, and lots of books set in a tidy row against the wall. It's an impressive collection; Hughes, Wright, Twain, Kerouac, Morrison, even Faulkner and Joyce.

"You like to read, huh?" I say.

"Nothing else to do," he says with a shrug. "So, did you want some coffee or something? I just have that crappy instant stuff."

"No thank you, but that's very sweet," I say. I hate to say no to coffee, but I already had two cups before I left Star Labs.

"So I'm guessing we should have a seat," Wally says, taking the lamp and a half finished copy of Heart of Darkness off his makeshift inn table, he sets it on its end by the two chairs and sits on it, while we take the chairs.

"So, how did you find me?" I say./p>

"I like your blog, about the Metahumans, and you know, your Picture News stories too. I read them in the library sometimes. I needed to figure out what was going on with me after this started happening randomly." He says. I grasp Barry's shoulder in bewilderment when Wally starts to vibrate his hand. I've never seen anyone except for Barry or Eobard do that. "I didn't really know who my parents were but I know you have my last name, and you look... well."

I knew I wasn't crazy he sees it too.

"So I got to thinking, you know all of this stuff about metahumans, that's what you call them right? So I just thought, maybe you were like me too. That's when I put two and two together, the name, the face, the powers."

Except I don't have any powers.

"So, what can you do?" Wally says, and I feel a bit embarrassed. This isn't some hereditary thing, it was the particle accelerator. I may be an awful lot like him in face and name, but not in ability. "Did your powers start to show up around 18 too?"

"Wally... I don't know how to say this but, I'm not a metahuman."

"Bullshit," Wally says. "I mean how else would you explain why you know about all this stuff? And we are related right? I'm not sure if I can believe in a coincidence this big."

"Wally, what's happening to you isn't hereditary," Barry explains. "Remember the particle accelerator that exploded awhile back?"

"Yeah, I was in a foster home in Central city when that happened, all of the windows broke in my room, I was knocked out for like two hours. I mean I heard something about that, how it gave everyone powers, but mine didn't show up until a couple of weeks ago."

"You're just now starting to get your powers?" Barry says. "Mine started as soon as I woke up from the coma."

"It put you in a coma?" Wally says. "Poor bastard."

"Yeah," Barry says

"So, you aren't my sister?" Wally says, and I know this is wrong, but it makes me happy that he looks a little disappointed.

"Actually, I think I might be," I say. "I know someone, at Star Labs who can do a blood test as soon as tomorrow. Actually there are a lot of people there who would love to help you through this."

I reach out for his hand, and he looks a little perplexed, but doesn't pull away.

"You know, your body was still growing at the time of the explosion," Barry says. "There's a chance that your abilities were latent because of that."

"That's true," I say. "I mean have we ever come across a child metahuman?"

"I'm not a child," Wally argues.

"You were when the accelerator exploded," I say. "Maybe they didn't kick in until your body could handle them."

He seems to understand, as well as he can anyway. 

"How are you otherwise, have you been eating," I continue. "Because your metabolism is a lot faster than the average person's. Have you been feeling faint or dizzy at all?"

"I-"

"And what about privacy," Barry interrupts Wally's answer. "Have you been keeping yourself hidden? Because if the wrong people know what you can do there could be problems."

"Well-

"And how are you controlling the spasms?" I say. "You said they were happening randomly, is that still an issue?"

"It's not so bad right now but-

"And sweetheart this place you're living in, it's unacceptable," I say. "See how the moulding is coming away on the wall? what if you tripped and broke your arm? What if your healing factor kicked in before you could get the bone set? You have to think about these things Wally."

"Okay, okay can you guys chill for maybe five seconds," He says, holding his hands up like he's trying to stop a speeding car. "I don't have a lot of money for food but I've been getting by. The spasms come and go but they're manageable. As for breaking my arm, sounds a bit unlikely but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it."

"Sorry, we're just a little overwhelmed," I say bashfully.

"I can see why you're overwhelmed, but why is he overwhelmed?" Wally says, gesturing toward Barry.

"Well, if you're her family, that sort of make you my family too," Barry says. "I was a foster kid too, her dad's foster kid, he's kind of like a second father to me actually."

"And also we're together. Like _together_ together," I say, squeezing his hand with my free one.

"Isn't that a little-

"No, it's not weird," I say, cutting him off.

"I was going to say risky, I mean, what if you guys break up? You'd still have to deal with each other on Holidays and stuff."

Me and Barry look at each other. The truth is I haven't really thought about us breaking up. I just assumed once we got together we'd be in it for the long haul. I think that's probably how everyone feels when they're in love, but in our case, not being together just doesn't feel like an option.

"That's not something we're really worried about, we're solid, really," Barry says.

"Well, good to know somebody is," Wally says. I wonder what must have happened in this boys life, how he grew up without a family, how he never knew about dad. Nothing about his life seems like it's been solid, but somehow I'm going to change that. I'll find a way.

"Okay, so it's agreed, you're going to come with us to Star Labs tomorrow," Barry says, clapping his hands once.

"And you really think they can help me there?"

"I know they can," I say. "But until then grab your stuff, you're coming with us. We have a super comfortable couch with your name on it.

"Wait, you just expect me to go with you, just like that?" Wally says. "You don't even know me, besides it's not like I don't have a place. I'm not homeless."  
"Really?" I says, crossing my arms. "Then why haven't you emptied your mailbox in days? And why does all of the mail sticking out of it say Hewitt? You're squatting here aren't you?"

He looks like he's searching every corner of his brain for an excuse. I don't care what he comes up with, I'm not leaving without him. When he deflates visibly I know I've won.

"I'll get my stuff," He says.

"Good" Barry says, you carry it, I'll carry her," Barry says.

"You didn't bring a car?"

"Trust me, after some proper training, you won't even miss cars," Barry says.

It Takes Wally about fifteen minutes longer to get back to our place than Barry and I. Just before I start to worry out of my mind he shows up, duffel bag in tow, shoes smoking. Looks like Cisco has another suit to make. When he comes inside it's like he's entered a new world, one filled with the sort of warmth he's never really known, it's small, not much bigger than the place he came from, but there are pictures on the walls and cozy furniture, and a fridge and pantry full of food that he attacks as soon as we give him the okay. When Kanye comes at him wagging his tail, standing up on his hind legs to plant his paws on Wally's knees, I see him smile for the first time, a smile very much like mine. We get him a warm blanket and show him how the TV works, but he ignores it in favor of Heart Of Darkness. But he barely gets through two pages before he falls asleep, it's clear he hasn't slept on anything quite so fine in a long while. I understand completely, that couch is better than our bed.

"I can't believe it," I say, sitting awake in bed. "That's my kid brother in there."

"Yeah, I think you're right, I mean who else's can he be?"

"And did you see us back there? The way we totally handled it? He's like a teenager, they're the worst, but he didn't even fight us."

"Yeah, because we're awesome."

It could also have something to do with him being lonely, hungry and desperate, but I try not to dwell on that fact too much, happy as I feel right now.

"I love you," I say, shifting against his body, pulling his arm around me.

"Me too," he says, kissing my hair.

"We are going to be the best parents ever."

He looks a little sad at the prospect. I understand, the new carpet alone is enough of a reminder that things aren't going to be so simple for us. But I refuse to forget about Don and Dawn, I know I'm going to meet them one day, and I know in spite of Barry's sadness and reservations, he knows it too.

"Barry," I say, almost in a whisper.

"Yeah babe?"

"Do you still think it's a good idea, us getting married? With everything we know about the future?"

He looks at me seriously, combing my hair behind my ear with his fingers and kissing me deep and slow.

"There's nothing I want more than to marry you, you know that."

I do know it, and there's nothing I want more than to marry him. There was once a time when the name Iris West-Allen freaked me out beyond comprehension, now I want it, I want it as desperately as I want the man laying next to me.

"Then will you?" I say.

He knits his brow like he's trying to make sense of my words. I don't know what there is to make sense of, I thought I made myself very clear.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you just propose?" He says.

"Well, I could get down on one knee, but I think we can both agree I'm short enough."

His look of confusion morphs into a smile so gradually I hardly realize it, and when he bounces me playfully backward onto the pillows and kisses my breath away, I know his answer.

**Stay tuned folks!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me and Barry will try to get married twice before it finally happens. The first failure will be because of a tragedy, the second because of a blessing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some of you are having trouble with the angst factor. So after reading this chapter, if you need assurance as to whether this story will have a happy or sad ending before you can continue to read it. Read the authors note at the end. I won't spoil it for anyone who doesn't want it spoiled.

Me and Barry will try to get married twice before it finally happens. The first failure will be because of a tragedy, the second because of a blessing.

The first time we'll want a small ceremony. It will be me and Barry, of course, Dad, Cisco, Caitlin, Ronnie, Martin (officiating) and Vic, who's moving to Jump City to start over and needs this perfect last hurrah. We also can't forget our Starling city friends; Oliver and Felicity, and Diggle and Lyla, and Cisco will insist I invite Laurel Lance, who I don't know well but seemed sweet that one time I met her, Ray Palmer, Oliver Queen's sister... Okay so we know a lot of people, including my kid brother who I'll invite first to let him know he's officially part of the family.

Wally will tell my dad not to buy him a new suit, that the blazer and slacks combo I bought him for his interview at jitters will do just fine, but dad will do it anyway because he has a lot he wants to make up for. Dad will call me on the phone more than once when he's at the mall "You know the kid better than I do, black or gray?" he'll say. I'll tell him gray, because it's a hot color for suits right now and Wally will want to look cool. A grey suit and a lavender tie will look perfect on him. "And what about shoes, what's good in shoes?" Dad'll ask. I won't recommend the Stacy Adams gators because I know he'll draw the line there, but I will suggest a snazzy pair of wing-tips. Wally's got style whether he knows it or not. 

Wally will become more accepting of my father's affection and hospitality little by little. He'll slowly accept the fact that it wasn't dad's fault, not knowing about him all of those years. Wally doesn't know who his mother is either, although Dad has an idea. He thinks it might be a flight attendant he met about a year after mom died, a nice lady who we assume gave the adoption agency dad's last name so Wally would always have a piece of him, even if they never met. They did meet though, it took time travel and some broad strokes of luck, but they met.

Wally will accept the suit graciously, and give dad the first hug he'll ever give him, and Dad will feel just a little more like Wally's dad too, because Joe West isn't just my father, he's _the_ father, it's what he was born for.

Wally will ask me over and over again if he can invite Linda Park, who comes into Jitters sometimes during his shifts and always orders a cappuccino. She loves ordering from Wally because he makes an exceptional brew (runs in the family) and learned how to make a leaf in the foam to impress her. I'll be begrudging about it because Linda is six years older, and I don't want him getting hurt. But I'll end up giving in because he's technically an adult and, well, I won't be able to deny they have a weird sort of spark. It'll start when Wally suggests that LeBron is a better player than Jordan and she'll get so furious I will fear she means to strangle him until the argument that ensues ends in them both laughing their asses off and doing that thing where they hold eye contact a little too long. I'll lose control of that situation pretty fast. I'll straighten Wally's lavender tie right before he sees her.

The girls will do each other's make up in my old bedroom. Felicity will do mine, soft, natural, pure, with a little sheer fuchsia on my lips for that extra pop. I'll notice out of the corner of my eye the way Caitlin's hand shakes a little as she puts on her eyeshadow. I'll ask her if she's okay and not believe her when she says she is. I'll remember that I didn't believe her the first time I noticed it, none of us did. I'll remember how we noticed other things too, the pale skin, the coldness of her hands, Ronnie getting better. I'll remind myself that we tried talking to her, we tried everything but strapping her down until she let us help her. We almost put off the wedding, she became furious at us for even suggesting it. We'll try to remember that Caitlin is our friend, no matter what, and we'll drop everything the moment it gets worse. Until then we'll try to have a good time on our wedding day, but our minds will keep going back to her.

Barry will wear a black suit that's just a bit James Bond, and brand new red sneakers that are just a bit Barry Allen. He'll get a haircut because he knows I love his hair short. 

I'll wear a pretty white dress with a hem that grazes the knee, and I'll have flowers in my hair and a flutter in my chest. We'll accidentally see each other before the wedding when we both wind up in Barry's old room, him looking for the rings because he swears he left them there, me looking for my something borrowed, his mother's gold locket. We'll try to turn away from each other because it's bad luck, but we'll get stuck staring, because he'll look so handsome in his fine suit, and he'll look at me like I'm this beautiful, precious thing.

"I just... no matter how many times I turn it over in my head, I just can't believe that you're going to be my wife today. How the hell did I get this lucky?" He'll say. I'll feel everything at once, everything. I'll feel the weight and the power of it all. This brave, kind man who loves me, my family, old and new, my friends and their silent troubles, I'll feel the past and present and future and all of the excitement and fear and sadness and just everything, I'll feel it all just looking at him. I won't even realize I'm running my mascara until he wipes a thumb over my cheek.

"Just tell me everything is going to be okay," I'll say, keeping my voice steady. 

And he'll tell me he'll do whatever it takes to keep me safe, and I'll say it right back, because the thing I'll always want more than anything else is to protect and care for him, in any and every way I can.

"It's been a year since you told me," I'll continue. "I can't only have nine left."

"Baby," he'll say, the last syllable faded into his kiss.

Things will... go a little too far. He'll kiss me until I can't think about anything else but him kissing me, and being careful not to ruin his suit by clawing too hard at his shoulders, even as he lifts me against his bookshelf. I won't wonder if it's a bad Idea to unzip his pants, and he won't consider whether it's a mistake to unclip my stockings from their garters and slide my lacy new panties down from under my dress.

I'll get my fuschia lipstick all over his lips, and forehead and neck and everywhere my mouth roams with its own agency. I'll feel the heat of his breath on my neck, hear his voice in my ear.

"Should we be doing this?" he'll say, and I'll tell him probably not, but we'll do it anyway.

We'll get tangled and consumed in each other, breathing raggedly in unison, his hand will grip the shelf hard, I'll forget my promise not to claw at his shoulders as he pushes into me and pulls back out. We'll laugh in a hushed, slightly panicky way when our activity knocks _A Brief History Of Time_ by Stephen Hawking onto the floor, and I'll immediately forget what's so funny when something gets rubbed just the right way and that deep, pooling heat starts to spread through my whole body.

"Barry!"

He'll put a gentle hand over my mouth and I'll swallow my exclamation, remembering who's just downstairs. As he starts to unravel too, his hand will grab for mine, and we'll just stand there a moment, catching our breath, still together, him still inside me. 

"Do you think this should be a new rule?" Barry will say after a few moments, panting, because for some reason it's the only thing that still makes him tired. "If you see the bride before the wedding, have sex immediately to cancel out the bad luck?"

"Sounds like the best rule I ever heard."

I'll have to fix my makeup before Felicity notices.

I'll walk down the aisle to a prerecorded string quartet version of Bill Withers's _A Lovely Day_ , which unofficially became our song when he sang it impromptu in the car on our road trip to Disneyland to celebrate me getting my bachelors. It played on the radio and I turned it up with a little squeal of "I love this song," then I became noticeably annoyed when the bad reception made it go all staticky, so he cut it off and started to sing the rest, his voice deep and confident and smooth. That was the first time I thought to myself "Damn this skinny white boy is sexy," although I immediately pushed that thought out of my head as soon as I got it. It officially became our song when I told him the truth about how he made me feel that day, like for just a split second I wanted to pull off the road and take the remaining shreds of his innocence.

Everyone will look on like they can cry at any moment, and Felicity will raise one eyebrow at the sight of the one or two strands of hair come undone around my face, and I'll raise one right back because I'll know from the fact that Oliver's tie is a little loose and his mouth is a bit shiny from her lip gloss that she spent some alone time with him right before they all gathered in the backyard, and we'll share a secret smile.

The sun will be setting and the lights strung through the trees will glow a little brighter, and I'll meet my Barry at the end. I'll want to kiss him far before Rabbi Stein says to, but I'll lock it down, and mouth to him that I love him instead, and he'll blush like he still can't believe what's happening.

We won't marry that day though. We won't even make it to the vows, because Caitlin will not have told the truth about being fine.

When she collapses, shivering and nearly blue, Barry will immediately go into hero mode, and kneel to her side. And I'll know, I'll just know that he should move away because something bad will happen if he doesn't. Something bad will happen, as soon as Caitlin touches Barry, he'll start to go immediately weak and his skin will start to go the same color as hers and I'll be scared out of my mind. Ronnie will pull me out of the way before I can do anything to help him, before I can get him away from her. Ronnie will warn us to stay back, that he's the only one who can be around her when she's like this. But by the time he gets to her, and gets the warning out, Barry will already be unconscious. I'll put his head in my lap and beg him to wake up, and he won't because I couldn't protect him.  
After Ronnie flys Caitlin away, the flames consuming her, making her better somehow, I won't know how far they'll go, or how long they'll be away, only that Barry is hurt, and not my husband. I'll wonder if our wedding didn't happen because it wasn't supposed to, and if changing the future really is hopeless. I'll wonder that again and again.

****  
The second time we'll try to get married will happen about two years later.

Barry will recover from Caitlin's attack, but he'll be depowered for nearly a week, it will be the first time Wally will get to protect the city as Kid Flash solo . He'll hate that name, but once it catches on Central City won't let him forget it.

I'll recover too, not from my guilt at not being able to help Barry or find Caitlin and Ronnie, but from losing the life we made on our first attempt at a wedding day, the one we made against a bookshelf. He'll know when he wakes up and I'm not next to him, only a bloody hand print on the wall beside the bathroom door. The first time nearly destroyed us, the second time will do the rest of the job, at least for a little while. We'll argue more than we ever have, he'll fall asleep with his back turned to me for many nights, crying silently and bitterly because he just won't know what to do or how to fix it. He won't know what to do about me, about the babies, about Caitlin, about the future that we can't seem to change, any of it, and he'll blame himself for everything. I'll get really angry when he gets to acting like I'm some wounded bird who can't be touched, and I'll throw him out of the apartment more than once. But he'll always come back the same way, he'll knock on the door, I'll answer, we'll stand facing each other for a few silent moments. It won't always be raining but he'll always have that look of standing out in the rain. And I'll ask him what the hell took him so long, and we'll kiss like nothing happened.

He'll ask me to marry him on a day not unlike any other. He'll come home to me, battered and bruised after facing off against a metahuman. Caitlin will still be gone, Henry will still be in prison and Martin will only be able to take on the role of MD when his mind isn't being co-opted by Ronnie, off the grid for two years but still connected to him somehow. I'll clean and bandage Barry's more minor injuries sometimes, make sure they heal properly. So that's what I'll do that night he comes home to me, I'll tape his gashes shut and watch them start to mend. When I try to move away to get more medical tape, he'll grab my wrist gently, keeping me close. He'll rest his forehead on my stomach and pull me a little closer, his hands around my waist. I'll be silent and still as I run my fingers through his hair.

"Iris," he'll say, his voice muffled by the fabric of my thin tank top. Then he'll look up at me with all of the pain and the longing in the world. "Us being at odds all the time? I don't want to do that anymore, I don't want you to feel like you can't count on me to be here. I don't care what happens, what we go through. I just want to be with you."

"I want to be with you too," I'll tell him. I'll bend down and he'll reach up and we'll kiss each other better.

"Marry me Iris, right now, I mean it."

"But Bear we-

"I know, I know you want your family and friends there and they will be, I promise we'll do it right one day, a ceremony and everything. Right now though, I just want to be your husband, I want that more than anything."

I'll want to argue more, but I won't be able to come up with much because I'll remember I want nothing more than for him to be my husband too. The most I'll be able to come up with is a stupid question.

"Where can we get married this late at night?"

The look of mischief in his eyes will thrill me so much he'll barely have to say the words, but he'll say them anyway.

"I can get us to Vegas in under twenty minutes."

So we'll go to Vegas, I'll ride the whole way in his arms, the wind in my face, the exhilaration of it all coursing through me, until the bright lights of Las Vegas greet our arrival. We'll be like rambunctious children, flitting around back and forth across Sin City, collecting everything we need. Something borrowed and new; the white Chanel dress he'll snatch off of a mannequin from one of the store fronts in the Bellagio, and the Armani suit he'll scare up from the one next door. He'll plan to put them back just as fast, so fast the alarm won't even notice. Something blue; the flowers I'll pick from the terra cotta planters outside of Circus Circus and put behind my ear. Something old; His parents' rings.

We'll find a James Brown impersonator slash ordained minister on the strip, and we'll hold each other's hands in anxious excitement and giggle immaturely as the man grunts and whoops his way through the ceremonies of three other couples before us, two of them obviously drunk, a bride nearly spilling out of her top, a groom with a tie around his head, another couple kissing sloppily against the far wall.

"They are really going to regret this decision in the morning," Barry will whisper over to me playfully, and I'll nudge him back, although I'll agree wholeheartedly, especially when one of the brides calls her groom Kevin when his name is Doug.

"There should really be a law against drunk Marriage," I'll whisper back.

When it comes to our turn we'll walk down the aisle hand in hand, feeling just a little ridiculous in the cheap top hat and veil respectively given to us at the front desk, along with slot machine and free buffet coupons. He'll wear his slightly askew, I'll wear mine perfectly straight. "I got the feelin' baby baby I got the feelin' you two'll be very happy," Not James Brown will say as we try to keep straight faces. I'll feel ridiculous and silly and wild and in love and deadly serious at the same time when we look at each other and Barry begins his vows, written on a napkin from Caesar's palace.

"I'm marrying my best friend today," he'll say. "I'm marrying the woman of my dreams and my reality, the woman who makes the impossible feel more and more possible every day just by being here. Iris West, you're all of those things to me, please keep being them, forever, and I promise I'll spend forever being everything you need me to be."

I'll start to talk, start to tell him how he's my best friend too, and how every moment with him is full of laughter and love and adventure, and I'll start to tell him all of those things that you're supposed to say to the person you love more than anyone. But I'll get maybe the first few words out before darting down the aisle, a hand over my mouth. James Brown will barely react because the bride fleeing the alter to vomit is probably a regular occurrence, but Barry will chase after me. I'll barely make it outside to release the contents of my stomach onto the sidewalk. Turns out we'll have to pay for the Chanel dress after all.

That night, at a crowded Vegas hospital, a doctor will tell me I'm pregnant.

A couple of months later, Martin Stein will tell me I'm having twins.

I will do everything in my power to keep them.

_Stay Tuned Folks!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy ending.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's every bit the father I always knew he'd be. Even when he's tired or beaten he always has a smile just for them, he always makes time, because at this point, there may not be much of it left. Less than a year if I've timed it right, and we still have no idea where Reverse Flash is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you couldn't tell by the summary, it's worth saying that there's a pretty big time jump here. This is also about the fluffiest chapter I've written so far.

Over the past few years there have been a lot of questions about why me and Barry have continued to put off tying the knot. There's what I told Cisco At Wally's 21st birthday party, while we danced like a couple of dorks to _Africa_ by Toto, because we were feeling especially cheesy that night and Cisco can really cut a rug.

_I bless the rains down in Africa  
I bless the rains down in Africa_

_"So what's the story?" Cisco said as he spun me. "You've been together for like ever, you have two kids for Christ's sake, I've been with Mari six months and I already want to put a ring on it, what's the hold up with you two?"_

_"Me and Barry have been married since we were ten" I said, taking the lead. "The only thing a piece of paper is going to change is our insurance policies."_  
That was true then, and it's just as true now, but that isn't the only reason. 

I was sad for a really long time. When I miscarried a second time the anger I felt at myself, at my own body was so much that I couldn't understand why no one else seemed to share it, especially Barry. I hated the way he shut me out, tried to push me away, like he was the problem. But I think the thing I hated the most was how unhappy he was, knowing he'd never leave or find someone who could live in his world without being broken by it, and even worse, that I didn't want him to.

We get drawn to each other sometimes, in ways that aren't totally responsible. He told me about the first time he kissed me, not in the bedroom, but before the wave hit Central City. I basically cheated on Eddie that day. Barry didn't use those words of course, but that's what it was. I wonder how things may have been different if he wouldn't have turned back time and made me forget, if I would have fought it or given into everything that I felt, God knows fighting it is what I was used to back then. The closer we get the less my head figures into it. It's always been that way, even before there was anything physical between us.

The day we first tried to get married and he ended up taking me against a bookshelf, that was no head and all heart, beating too fast and too loud, like it would burst out of me if I went another second without him touching me. And maybe part of me wanted that other chance, to change the future the way we were so sure we had the first time I found out I was pregnant. We couldn't though, me and Barry couldn't make a life that wasn't supposed to be, especially not with Caitlin gone the very same day, not even Martin with all of his knowledge and experience, had the same background in medicine in relation to metahumans as she did. And if we couldn't fix what was wrong with me, what else couldn't we change? That very thought shattered us, what a sad thing, to believe so strongly in a love that doomed us both. 

But we both knew that in spite of my anger and sadness, and how painfully distant yet unbearably close we felt to each other, whether we were married or not, we had to try to do the one good thing we knew we were meant to do.

When I kissed Barry the night Don and Dawn were conceived, and stopped him from reaching for a condom in the night stand, I think he wanted to argue, remind me again how much it hurt before, that if it didn't turn out to be the right time, he wouldn't have it in him to try again. Maybe I wouldn't have either, but right then and right there, there was no argument. I hadn't even met them yet and I knew I couldn't just give up on them. Barry _had_ met them, he didn't stand a chance that night.

_"Are you sure?" he said as I broke away just a little, our foreheads still touching. His hands were on my waist as I straddled his lap. "If something goes wrong--_

"Shh, it's okay Bear," I said. I ran my fingers against the short stubble on his jaw, and through his soft hair. "They still need us."

So he let his doubts pass and kissed me back. That was the night we came back to each other for good, even though after more than a month went by we were convinced it didn't happen. I thought if it had I would have known about it in a matter of days. That wasn't the case, my pregnancy was completely normal. So when I ran out on my second attempt at a wedding with my first bout of morning sickness, I was just as surprised as Barry.

The kids are nearly five years old now, and some kind of miracles. We think the reason I was able to carry them to term without issue is that they aren't speedsters like Barry, not in the traditional sense. They can, well... they can turn themselves into tornados. The ability started to manifest about as soon as they learned to walk, so the terrible twos took on a frightening new meaning. 

Let's just say the biggest reason me and Barry have put off getting married for so long is that we've been too exhausted to think let alone think about planning a wedding. Having twins is tiring for anyone, having superpowered twins to go with my superpowered non-husband is something else entirely. We've made it work somehow though. From the very moment we took them home to our cracker box we've made it work. It more than works actually.

Living at dad's again isn't something we ever thought we'd do, but it's the perfect place to raise two rambunctious children, and when Wally moved into Linda's place the house just felt too big for Dad. His place downtown is nice and quiet, it's close to Wally so they can have guy time every once in awhile, and it's down the block from Ashley, a nice lady who owns a flower shop. He sees her a few times a week and I think it's getting semi-serious, even though he tries to be all cool about it. He loves to babysit too, so do Wally and Linda, and Cisco and pretty much everyone who knows us, especially since Barry and Wally are both very good at clean-up duty. Having a practical legion of babysitters is more than necessary for a couple that's one part speedster forensic scientist and one part news and features editor for one of the top papers in the US. 

Out of all of their babysitters Dad is by far their favorite, and not just because Barry was right about Dawn being allergic to Kanye, and Dad's place being the only place she can still see him, provided she takes her Claritin.

It makes sense that she'd be allergic, she's the sensitive one, always giving candy and pocket change to homeless people and bringing home small, wounded animals. She cried for hours when the little canary she found shot with a bb gun died from its injuries. She wants to protect the innocent one day like her father does. I'd say Don is more like me, stubborn with an eternal case of sassmouth, and my smile according to Barry. He wants to follow in Barry's footsteps too, but I think the general excitement of putting away bad guys is where his passions lie. They look a little bit like both of us, Dawn's eyes are the same green as Barry's, and Don is tall and skinny like him. Dawn has the same springy hair I did growing up, while Don's is looser and wavier, always combed neat and cut short. I didn't know it was possible to love as deeply as I do when I'm with them, with Barry. 

He's every bit the father I always knew he'd be. Even when he's tired or beaten he always has a smile just for them, he always makes time, because at this point, there may not be much of it left. Less than a year if I've timed it right, and we still have no idea where Reverse Flash is. 

But I try to stay positive, try to embrace what I have now. It's Friday dinner and Don is helping me make tortillas, he likes to smash the wads of cornmeal into little flat circles with the press like I taught him. Dawn is determined to learn how to read, so she's busy with _Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?_ right now, sounding her words out loud and coming up to me every so often to tug on my apron, asking me what a word says.

Barry should be home any minute, and Cisco, Mari, Linda, Wally, Dad, Martin and his wife should be along soon too. Dad hasn't told Ashley yet about his double life, but when he does I hope he starts to bring her too. I told Barry I wanted to start doing Friday dinners because everything is such a life or death situation in our group, always a new metahuman attacking, or some big lead to chase down, or two mini tornadoes with jam fingers to catch. Friday dinner just seemed like such a normal, fun thing, and for the last four months it's been a success, with one exception. During our second Friday dinner the Lasagna burned because that dick Hartley Rathaway decided to infiltrate Star Labs to steal equipment and I forgot to shut the oven off during all the hubbub. How it is we're still dealing with him after all this time is beyond me, but he's etching lines in the wall at Argus for the indefinite future. And the pizzas we ended up ordering after the fact were pretty delicious. Other than that little hiccup, Friday dinners have gone swimmingly. It's a tradition I intend on keeping as long as I can.

"Mom?" Don asks up to me, I take a pause from browning the onions in the pan and smile down at him. He's so big now, every time I see him I wonder just where all that time went.

"What up shorty?" I say, although he's nearly as tall as the average seven year old.

"When's dad coming home?"

"Any minute now."

"Do you think he'll show me how to punch today if I ask him?"

"Sweetheart if you want someone to teach you how to punch I'm right here, I was the one who taught daddy."

"Really?"

"Mm hmm."

"That's cool," He smashes another tortilla in the press, pulling down with both hands like a little pirate boy working an oar.

"If I learn to punch real good can I do what daddy does?"

I smile a little wider, crinkling my eyes. Every time they go to Star Labs it's like a new adventure for them, like they can't believe how lucky they got to be born into our insane life. Dawn always asks Martin a million questions about what everything is and how it works, and we can never take our eyes off of Don for too long, as much as he loves to wander off and explore. I know one day they'll be great heroes. Cisco has already started calling them The Tornado Twins. 

"Maybe you should think about finishing kindergarten first buddy," I say.

"Mommy," Dawn says coming at me book first, pointing at a long word. "What's this word?"

"Hippopotamus," I tell her.

"Hippotamus?" She says, I repeat the word and she gets it right the second time.

I hear the door crack before Barry walks in, and I smile big at him when he enters the kitchen, tired but happy. I hope he likes the haircut, I haven't had bangs since high school, and it's shorter than I've ever worn it, but I like the way it sort of tickles my shoulders when I turn my head.

"Dad!"

"Daddy!" 

They both run at him with their indistinct five year old chatter, and he kneels down to hug them, shutting his eyes and exhaling softly, like he's been holding his breath all day long.

"Did you guys get bigger since this morning?" He asks with a sly smile.

"I have," Don says. "Dawn got smaller."

"Whatever," Dawn says, shrugging, and she really is tiny, more than a full head shorter than her brother. "That just mean I'm more ayodymamic, right Daddy?"

"It's aerodynamic, baby," he says. "And yes."

He kisses her forehead and ruffles Don's hair, which the boy immediately smooths back down. It doesn't take long for his eyes to look for me, and we just stand across the kitchen for a few moments, trading silent smiles as he stands up straight. I don't have to tell him to come kiss me, he walks up in three long strides and cups my face, disrupting my haircut and tasting the new gloss I bought today.

"You guys are gross," Don says. "Come on Dawn let's watch cartoons,"

He takes his sister's hand and they leave us alone, and I kiss him again, longer this time without the kids there to see.

"Your hair," He says like it's the most surprising thing a guy who fights metahumans on a near weekly basis has ever seen.

"Do you like it?" I say, shyly combing a few strands back in place with my fingers.

"You look... really hot," he says, making me laugh. "Almost like..."

He trails off and I knit my brow in confusion.

"Like what Bear?"

"Umm, that girl, from that movie. You know the one."

I don't, not really. And from his weird stammering I can only assume he means I have a similar haircut when he sees me in the future. I don't press though, only because I don't really want to talk about it.

"Anyway, I love it," he says, kissing my bangs and hugging me tight.

"I'm glad you love it," I say, hugging him tighter, rubbing his back up and down and inhaling his scent, like Irish Spring and hot asphalt.

He pulls away and inspects the meal coming together, the carnitas I put on this morning before work, now shredded and seasoned to perfection, the little rounds of cornmeal mush Don smashed with such glee, the bottle of tequila for the margaritas we'll enjoy thoroughly after the kids are asleep. I'll make a mango one for Barry, he can't get drunk but he loves the taste.

"I don't know how you find the time for all this," he says. "Are you sure you aren't the one with the superpowers?"

"My superpower is three cups of coffee before twelve," I respond. "Anyway, go relax, I think the kids are watching one of those shows on Cartoon Network you only pretend to watch for them."

But he doesn't go. he just kind of lingers, twisting the heel of his shoe on the linoleum, staring at me with a weird sort of shyness.

"What's wrong bear?" I shut off the burner under the onions and cross my arms, looking at him seriously.

"I just..." He rubs the back of his neck, looking for the words. "I really love you."

"I love you too, you weirdo," I say. I don't know what he's trying to say, or trying not to say, but it's hard not to assume that it's something bad.

"Barry, sweetheart I-

"Do you think we should get married?" he says, cutting me off.

It's not so strange a question, we've already tried twice, and our arrangement is so like a marriage the only thing missing is an uninterrupted wedding, but somehow to hear him say it makes me feel all light and warm and flustered.

I open my mouth to talk, to tell him exactly how I feel about the idea of marrying him, for real this time, but before I can say anything Cisco comes in. He hasn't knocked in over five years.

"'Sup Flash family?" he says, waving _Cards Against Humanity_ in the air. "I come bringing hilarity."

"Not until the kids are asleep," Barry says over his shoulder, and he turns back to me. "Talk later?" he whispers, and I nod and we kiss quickly and chastely.

Mari comes in behind Cisco and they brace themselves as the kids gang up on them like always.

"Mari, Mari, do the ant! Do the ant!" 

Mari smiles and rolls her eyes. "Can't a girl get in the door?"

"Please!" they yell in unison.

"I'd do what they say if I were you," Cisco says.

"Alrighty," Says Mari. She sweeps Cisco up in her arms like he's light as a fluffy kitten, and immediately raises him up over her head.

"Not with me!" Cisco cries nervously.

"I'd stop that squirming if you want to avoid falling," Barry says, a laugh in his voice.

"You are no help at all," Cisco says in a scared, strangled voice.

"One hand! One hand!" Don and Dawn plead.

"Yeah Mari, one hand!" I call out next.

"I hate all of you guys," Cisco says as Mari drops a hand, supporting Cisco's weight with one arm. When we met Mari McCabe we didn't know quite what to make of her, her powers defy any sort of scientific explanation. She has a necklace that lets her channel the powers of any animal, and somehow it only works on her. It's really no wonder that Cisco was smitten immediately. They're as different as can be, she's serious and cool and beautiful, and a bit taller than him, but it's kind of hard not to fall in love with Cisco a little bit. For Mari it was hard not to fall in love with him a lot. It helps that they're both great with kids, makes me wonder what there's will be like if they have them. Half Latino, half black babies with equal parts brains and swagger, look out world.

"So what, are you just going to leave me hanging up here?" Cisco says, his voice a bit more calm.

"What do you think kids? Should I let him down?" Mari says.

"No!!" They shout.

"Oh come on, be nice to your uncle Cisco," Barry says.

"Okay, let him down," Dawn says, although Don looks like he could stand to watch him squirm up there a little longer.

"Okay," Mari says, letting him fall into her arms bridal style and giving him a sweet little kiss before setting him back on his feet.

"Savages, all of you," Cisco jokes.

When Wally arrives he helps me set up a little buffet at the counter without me having to ask, I've only known him a few years, but I sometimes have to remind myself that I didn't grow up changing his diapers. I'm amazed by how much he's grown up in just a few short years. He's still Kid Flash as far as Central City is concerned, but Central City doesn't know that he's about to graduate from engineering college with honors, or how adept he is with the machines at Star Labs, although nobody can replace Ronnie, things are running a lot more smoothly with him onboard. He's gone from Barry's sidekick to an honest to god partner, and with Dad duty taking up so much of Barry's time, he couldn't be more thankful. When he calls me sis now there's no edge of spite, it sounds natural.

"So it's me and Linda's four year anniversary coming up," He says, looking over his shoulder, making sure she's out of earshot, but she's busying herself talking sports with Dad. "I'm kind of wracking my brain figuring out what to get her."

"That's easy, she's been dropping hints at Picture News all week," I say. "Take her to Cooperstown for a weekend."

"With my salary? I manage a coffee shop."

"Well there's always your Kid Flash bonus."

"Kid Flash Bonus?" He asks skeptically. "You mean the Wally West charity fund?"

"It's not Charity, you earned it, you work harder as Kid Flash than most people work at their nine to fives."

"But I don't do it for money."

"And that just means you deserve it more."

I can tell he wants to protest, but instead he shakes his head with a small smile.

"So this kid Flash bonus, that was your idea I'm guessing?"

I admit nothing, but he hugs me anyway.

Sitting around the table with my family and friends, eating street tacos, laughing and joking about everything and nothing, I'm addicted to this feeling. With all of the sadness and loss we've dealt with over the years, it's so good to know that we still have this.

"...and the guy says, man Superman, you're a dick when you're drunk," Wally says, making the table erupt with laughter.

"Heard it," Cisco and Linda say simultaneously as Wally finishes his joke.

"Then why didn't you stop me when I said, 'stop me if you've heard this one?'" Wally says.

"You have good timing," Cisco says, shrugging.

I look across the table at Barry, smiling a warm smile. And I don't know what comes over me, but I just feel like this is the right time, like everything has fallen into exactly the right place to do this and make it stick, so I pick up my water glass and tap my fork against it, silencing the chatter. Barry looks confused as I stand. I wink at him, making his confused look morph into a bashful smile.

"Everyone, me and Barry have a bit of an announcement to make," I say, extending my hand for him, he plays along, getting up from his seat and taking my hand, still silent.

"I know this probably won't be much of a surprise to any of you, but, me and Barry have decided to finally make this thing official. We're getting married." I guess that's enough of an answer for him, he smiles out to his ears before he kisses my cheek.

"That's right, and of course we want you all to be there," Barry says.

"Freaking finally," Cisco says, starting the slow clap, and everyone joins in, and Don and Dawn rush up to us, asking their five year old questions.

"Can I be a flower girl?" Dawn asks.

"Do I have to wear a tussedo?" Don says.

"Do we get to go to Hawaii?" 

"Can I ride in a limo?"

_"Can we come?"_

The last question comes from a voice I haven't heard in years, one I never thought I'd hear again, and me and Barry and nearly everyone in the room are an equal mix of shocked and scared to hear it now.

The door is always unlocked on Friday dinner, and we must not have heard them knock with all the noise and carrying on. I don't know how to react, whether to hug them or run for cover. She looks different, so different. Her hair has gone white, and her skin is as pale as it's ever been, except for one hand, which glows orange from the inside with Ronnie holding it. She's actually kind of beautiful like this, but it doesn't stop me from fearing what she might do.

"Hi," Caitlin says nervously, an uneasy smile on her blue lips. "It's been a really long time."

**Stay tuned Folks!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figure if Vixen/Mari ever shows up on Flash/Arrow as her live action self, she should be played by the same woman voicing the cartoon version on the web series, Megalyn Echikunwoke. She's super beautiful and awesome and would make a fantastic addition.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I saw you die,_ he'd said like he couldn't stop seeing it. He'd seen everything, everything that I can see now, a brother, children, a dog named Kanye who lives with my father, a haircut. He saw it, and shared what he saw, and everything still happened anyway, still felt like a surprise, all a very good surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, another fluffy one, but as you know we're getting closer to the beginning, meaning the action will soon be taking over. There will also be another chapter from Barry's POV coming up toward the end.

The silence is like a vaccuum, sucking every ounce of oxygen out of the room. Don squeezes my hand a little tighter and Dawn inches her little self behind me, Barry pulls me close to him. He still remembers that day so sharply, when one of his dearest friends nearly froze the life out of him. He still speaks her name with a bitter sadness when he can bring himself to say it at all. And as much as he still cares for Caitlin, I know he wouldn't hesitate to end her if it meant protecting his family.

"I know you're probably looking for some kind of explanation as to where I've been all this time," She says.  
"That would be a start," Barry says, his voice as cold as Caitlin's hands.

"We didn't mean to stay away this long," Ronnie says. "Just until we found a cure. We went everywhere searching for someone who could help us."

"But we kept dead ending, and the longer we went without finding help or treatment the worse I got," she looks very sad now, a second away from tears freezing down her cheeks. "I hurt people."

"It wasn't your fault," Ronnie says, rubbing her back up and down, I doubt it's the first time he's told her this.

"But it happened, I can't change that no matter how terrible I feel. And if Ronnie hadn't been there, who knows how bad things would have gotten?"

"So you spent the last 8 years looking for a cure?" Cisco says, standing up. "You know we would have helped you right?"

"I couldn't risk putting the people I loved in even more danger," she explains. "After what happened with Barry... I just, I couldn't be near any of you."

"So you just disappear for years, without a word. That doesn't make sense Caitlin."

With Barry raising his voice I send the kids upstairs. They're reluctant to leave, they've seen many things in their short lives, but they've never seen anything like Caitlin. Everyone else but me, Barry and Cisco make their various mumbled excuses and migrate outside.

"Are those your..." she can barely manage to say it, pointing after Don and Dawn as they stomp upstairs. "Oh God I've missed so much."

"And we've missed you guys," I say. "I mean, how could you not contact us? We didn't know whether you were alive or dead. You went completely off the grid, no matter how I tried to track you down you didn't leave a trace."

"We had to, to stay safe. The only way we could keep the wrong people from finding us was to keep the right people from finding us too. " Ronnie says. 

"And we were going to come home, try to figure something out, but things got complicated," Caitlin says.

"Complicated how?" Barry asks.

She exhales slowly, a frosty puff of vapor escaping her lips. "We're dealing with some confidential information here. If you don't keep what I say in this room there can be serious consequences."

Me and Barry look at each other, trading a silent agreement before looking once again at Caitlin.

"We're listening," Barry says, quite used to an element of danger by now.

"About three years ago, me and Ronnie were contacted by this covert group that was developing this series of experimental drugs meant to suppress metahuman abilities. It was meant as a weapon against criminal metas, but in this case what they said they were trying to accomplish was the closest thing to what we'd been looking for. All of their data checked out, we had no reason to believe they weren't on the level.

"Unfortunately they weren't. It was a trap," Ronnie says.

"Does the name Amanda Waller mean anything to you Iris?" Caitlin says.

Of course it does, Oliver Queen, Felicity Smoak, John and Lyla Diggle, they had all had their run ins with Waller.

"Wait a minute, were you in ARGUS?" Barry says.

"For a time," she says bitterly, her hand shaking a little at the words, the memory. 

"I didn't know where she was for over two years." Ronnie says. "The worst time of my life."

"Mine too," Caitlin says, and I was right, her tears do freeze against her skin. "For a long time Ronnie was the only thing keeping me alive, his heat, it fed me. When we were separated I nearly died, nearly killed everyone I came into contact with. That's when Waller gave me an option, I could die there, or I could work for her."

"She recruited you for the Suicide Squad?" I ask.

"You know about that?" Caitlin says, surprised.

I did an expose on the program, but due to Waller's enormous influence it never saw the light of day. Not even Lois Lane has the sort of clout to go up against Waller, god knows she's tried.

"I know the stories."

"Well then you know what they do," Caitlin says, she rubs her neck, as if still imagining the exploding collar still tight around it. "But I didn't have a choice, her program was the only thing that could help me control what was happening to me. If I didn't cooperate, she would have gladly let me die. But even though I didn't agree with what she was asking of me, I knew it was the only way. I had to get back to Ronnie, and I had to take advantage of the help that they offered. They taught me to control it, just like they did for Louise Lincoln, before she broke the rules and they killed her."  
Her body shakes a bit as she doubles over, I want to get up, take her hand, offer some sort of comfort, but I still don't know how safe it is to touch her. Ronnie does the honors instead, hugging her close. I can see the orange glow in her cheeks as he heats her up. After a few moments he releases her and she's okay to talk again.

"After I did my time, which entailed killing a lot of bad people, I set out to find my husband again," she says. "I got some help of course, from some old friends of ours that promised not to breath a word of any of this." 

And me and Barry will have to give team Arrow a talking to when all of this is said and done.

"And she did, she found me, half crazy and nearly depowered in Cambodia," He says. That must have been around the time Martin started babbling in Khmer randomly, never quite free from his connection to Ronnie.

"And now we're here. I'm free, for now," Caitlin says, a heaviness in her tone as she says it, like _for_ now can be anywhere between ten years and a day.  
"Let's just say she doesn't have me on the longest leash."

Barry's jaw is still tight with anger, but his eyes soften. They both look so different. Ronnie hasn't become as unrecognizable as Caitlin, he looks more like an older, wearier, wiser version of the kind and jovial man I used to know. There's a sadness around his eyes now, the kind of lingering dejection that only the world revealing itself to him quite thoroughly could create. But he's alive, completely and solidly alive. And I know how it is that he's so very much alive right now. Through all of the running and hiding and seeking and failing and absolute, crushing heartache, he had her, even when he didn't. Even after two years of separation and trauma nobody else in the room could ever understand, she found him, and he fed her with his heat. He was the reason she made herself cold in the first place, to save him at all costs, and she did. They saved each other.

This is what love does, it spits in the face of logic, refusing to be beaten. I've been at war with my fate ever since Barry came to my room that day, tearful and panicked

 _I saw you die,_ he'd said like he couldn't stop seeing it. He'd seen everything, everything that I can see now, a brother, children, a dog named Kanye who lives with my father, a haircut, a life. He saw it, and shared what he saw, and everything still happened anyway, still felt like a surprise, all a very good surprise. And Caitlin and Ronnie, they're good surprises too, after all. I approach her slowly, feeling Barry try to hold me back for the tiniest of seconds before letting go, and I'm slow and scared as I reach for her hand.

She doesn't pull it back, she tells me it's okay, and I see why. She's like ice, but she isn't draining me like Barry. And Cisco gets up too, still silent as he goes to hug her.

"You know I'm still mad at you right?" Cisco says, and she half cries, half laughs as she holds him back. 

"Wow," Cisco says, his breath steaming as he talks over her shoulder. "That's intense."

"I promise you'll be fine," Ronnie says and Caitlin laughs more and swipes at her tears, flaking off in tiny icicles. She's so happy for it all to be over for awhile.

I look again at Barry, slowly coming to meet us on the other side of the table. Caitlin knows that when it comes to him, she has the most to apologize for. We both move back, I let go of her hand, and rub the lingering chill out of my own, and Cisco unwraps her from his embrace, rubbing his arms like he just walked in from a blizzard.

Barry just stares, wondering exactly what to do or say. 

"You know this look..." Barry finally says, his expression still unreadable. "It really works for you."

He smiles at her for the first time that night, for the first time in years, because life is too damn short to stay mad. We invite everyone back inside, the kids back downstairs, assuring everyone that it's okay, that she won't harm them. Dawn asks a million questions and tells Caitlin that she looks like Elsa, which makes her smile. Don keeps asking Ronnie to demonstrate his fiery abilities, and he sets his hand on fire with a snap of his fingers like a magician, and Don actually claps. We spend the whole night talking about everything, and find out that Caitlin and Ronnie have been just about everywhere since they've been gone.  
They lived in Greenland the first couple of years, in this remote house where they spent their days unbothered by the bitter cold, ice fishing, telling campfire stories, and I can only assume having literally steamy sex. They spent some time on Oolong island hoping to find answers from the scientific minds operating there, before learning they were pretty much all mad scientists, wanting to use them for their own unsavory purposes. After their escape They found themselves in Bali, where she meditated for hours a day. The locals called her the White Witch, and a medicine man brewed tea for her in his shop, a concoction said to promote balance. She replicates it for us as best as she can with the various herbs in my pantry, it's delicious and spicy, if not totally effective in the promoting balance department.

"It was very good for keeping me relaxed and still," she says, "So I didn't flip out and ice all of the natives."

After the kids begrudgingly fall asleep and a few of the adults appear to be nodding off too we decide to call it a night. Not only is it late, but Caitlin gets weak on her feet when she's without a constant heat source, and Ronnie just holding her hand can only do so much. We say our goodbyes, but not before Cisco coins the name Killer Frost and we officially invite them to our wedding.  
****  
We marry a week later. Don is a ring Bearer, Dawn is a flower girl. Oliver Queen lends his mansion for the occasion, and his sister Thea insists on doing the decorating, securing some truly magnificent last minute flower arrangements. The ceremony is a small, private one, or small as can be expected with everyone we know and love most in attendance. Barry looks handsome in his suit with no tie, and I wear a simple but beautiful vintage dress with an open back and a hem that reaches my ankles. 

I keep expecting something to go wrong as I walk down the aisle on my father's arm, I keep worrying about a metahuman attack, an earthquake, a tsunami, the wedding getting sucked into a black hole. But nothing goes wrong, nothing happens aside from Martin asking Barry to kiss the bride, and him enthusiastically obeying. 

We cook on a grill and drink IPA, and dance to songs played on a Bose MP3 speaker. The Queen's backyard is big enough to accomodate at least 100 more people. In spite of the mansion and the flowers and the beautiful dress, It's as lacking in frills as a wedding can be. When Felicity married Oliver they went all out, fancy hotel, Vera Wang, elegant reception, my bridesmaid dress matching all of the other bridesmaids dresses. That was a lovely day, but this is the loveliest day, because we've suffered so much for it. Dancing with my husband with all of my friends surrounding me, this is worth a thousand Vera Wang dresses. 

Dawn steps on Wally's feet as he dances them in a circle, and Don flirts shamelessly with Jon and Lyla Diggle's eleven year old daughter, he's his uncle's nephew in every way. We agree to spend our honeymoon in Morocco because its the one place on my travel bucket list I haven't been to yet, and Dad agrees to use the plane fare we haven't needed in years to take the kids to Hawaii. I tell him to bring Ashley too, tell him it's time to tell her the truth about everything, and what better place to do that than an island paradise with two adorable tornados tagging along? I know he thinks he should keep it a secret, that she isn't prepared to know all of this, but the woman lives in a city of heroes, surely she must suspect he's had his share of run-ins with them being a cop and all, always making up some crazy excuse about where he's been. Besides, it's like I said, life is too short.

"So, do you feel any different?" Barry whispers in my ear as we slow dance into the night.

"No," I admit. "But maybe that's okay, maybe it's good that you felt like my husband long before you actually were."

"Have I been a good one?" he asks. "I mean, I know we've had our fights, I know it hasn't always been easy, but--  
I still his lips with a kiss, assuring him that yes, he's been more than a good one.

"I love you Barry Allen," I whisper into his ear.

"I love you too Iris West-Allen."

In all this time, the byline on that paper, it never changed. Now we know precisely why.

Stay Tuned Folks!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't remember if Ronnie's fire powers even still work when he's not physically connected to Martin, so for the purposes of this story I decided to just assume they do.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Because Iris, this is serious shit we're dealing with. Do you know what can happen if we mess with the space time continuum? Just because we can for all intents and purposes travel through time, doesn't mean that we should."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Until the show says otherwise, I'll consider Iris's talent as an illustrator to be canon. They never specified who drew this...
> 
> http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20150511030510/arrow/images/a/a4/The_first_post_after_changing_the_blog_name_to_Saved_by_The_Flash.png
> 
> So I can only assume it was her. Plus I like the idea.

Somewhere down the line I think me and Barry forgot how to be a normal couple. I guess that's understandable under the circumstances. For instance, he packed his Flash suit, and I'm glad he did. Not that I expect any real danger on our honeymoon, but being The Flash has been such a big part of his life for so long, leaving the suit behind would be like a diabetic traveling without insulin, an amputee traveling without his prosthetic limb, like me traveling without my sketchbook, notepad, camera, digital recorder, laptop and running shoes. Barry hasn't flown on a plane in forever either, he hasn't needed to, but with my crazy frequent flyer miles courtesy of Central City Picture News, and the insane amount of luggage he can't really accomodate, flying suddenly sounds like a more viable option by the time we take a really good look at the mountain of stuff we'll need for the trip.

"I could always make a few trips," he says. "It's not really a big deal for me."

"I know babe, but doesn't flying to our honeymoon just sound like the perfect married couple rite of passage?"

He shakes his head at me. "You and your sad love of airplanes."

Oh but it's true. I've never understood people who hate flying, who literally can't stop bitching about it. Flying might be inconvenient as hell in a lot of ways, but considering you're riding a sliver tube through the air, miles above the ground, I feel like it's worth the inconvenience. Not even a speedster husband can make me forget my love of flying. 

As we suspected, there ends up being no need at all for the suit, or any of my reporter tools. Our honeymoon is the definition of perfect. It's perfect in a way nothing's been perfect in a really long time. I've forgotten how to sleep longer than four hours a night, so I wake up with the Moroccan sunrise every morning, sit out on our balcony of our hotel and sketch until Barry wakes up. Sometimes I just like to sit patiently and draw him while he sleeps, and when I run out of patience I wake him up with a kiss, and a tickle.

But we do find use for Barry's powers after all. I want to do all of the lame touristy things that I never do on location anymore. I especially want to do a desert tour on camelback, but seeing as our hotel is in Casablanca and the closest place for a desert tour is three hours driving, he's happy to give me a lift.

I snap pictures like my life depends on it. I don't think there's a single moment that goes unphotographed.

"Why do we need a picture of Khalil?" Barry whispers to me when the man is done smiling pretty for me at my request.

"Because he's the world's best camel tour guide," I answer.

Our favorite place is Fes, he spends half of the day there exploring the Al-Qarawiyyin library and science department, while I loiter shamelessly in the Nejjarine museum, sketching all of the carvings and tremendous arcing balcony railings. We meet at the end to eat offensive amounts of beef tagine at this little hole in the wall place and talk and talk until they start setting the chairs on top of the tables to clean around us. We see every major city in a matter of four days, leaving us with three more to kill. And as beautiful as the country is, it doesn't beat how beautiful my husband makes me feel, running his open mouth down my naked body, whispering my name like it's the most magnificent language in the world.

"You remember when I asked you to run away with me?" he says, barely able to take his mouth off of the speeding pulse of my neck for long enough to utter the words. "I'd still do that you know."

I pull away, forcing him to look at me.

"I will," he repeats. "Just you and me, and the kids. I'd do it without a second thought."

He kisses me hard and I can feel the way he trembles. He's getting scared again. It's too close, it's all too close. I gently push him onto his back, getting on top, straddling his lap and letting him see me. He props himself on his elbows to get closer.

"You know we can't," I say.

We press together, him burying his hands in my hair and trying to plead with me lip to lip. He's gotten so confident in his ability to save lives, but he still can't wrap his head around how to save mine, and it kills him.

"You know you don't always have to be so brave," he says. He chuckles, but it's broken and strained, like it's masking something sad.

"You think I'm not scared Bear?"

"I think you're starting to accept it." He moves from under me and I start to wrap the sheets around myself. "It's like you've given up on all hope that we can change this. I thought we did, I thought something happened that made everything different but it hasn't and I don't understand."

"What are you talking about? What did you think changed?"

His jaw tightens and he looks away.

"I just don't understand why you don't think we can anymore."

"Barry, wake up, we haven't been able to change anything," I don't want to raise my voice, don't want to fight. I breathe and scoot forward to touch his cheek, relieved as he leans into it slightly. "I'm Iris West-Allen, remember? And you know what, I wouldn't change that for the world."

He breathes in and out, trying to calm himself, needing things to stay perfect for just a little bit longer just as much as I do. "I wouldn't either," he says, he turns to kiss the palm of my hand.

And that's the end of it. The fight doesn't happen this time. It really is a perfect honeymoon, but like all perfect things, it has to end. Besides, it's hard to be away from the twins for too long without missing them, and Wally, as capable a speedster and hero as he is, could use a break from hero-ing solo, so we pack our bags and fly home the next morning, I sleep on his shoulder while he reads on the plane, turning at some point to whisper that he loves me, somehow even as I sleep I manage to whisper it back. 

I wonder silently if he's right though, if I have given up. But I put the thought out of my mind. It's a useless thought.  
****  
I don't know what Cisco's up to. He's been weird ever since me and Barry got back from our honeymoon, and not his normal brand of weird. Like a few months earlier when we were all watching _Coming To America_ I said something about how I wish I could go back to when Eddie Murphy was funny, and he had this dopey, self satisfied look on his face. I'm surprised I even got him out of Star Labs long enough to watch a movie to be honest. It's like him and Martin have lived there the past year. I know what he's trying to do, I've known for awhile that he's trying to rejigger the machine so that it can send non speedsters through time too. He knows I know, the secretiveness is more for drama's sake than anything else. He's always eager to talk about whatever it is he's doing, but I can see how he might want to make his reveal of an actual time machine as fantastic as possible, even as we were all painfully aware of it.

His powers are a lot stronger now. The sonic vibrations that can show him alternate realities if used just the right way, that sort of thing can be really useful when trying to build a time machine, allowing him to consider every possible wrong scenario and every right one. The popular theory about the speed force is that it isn't just something that lives inside of Barry and Wally, but rather surrounds them, surrounds us, and that with the right tech a human without speed powers can piggyback on it. The more he realized this the more gung ho about the project he became.

His excitement was actually pretty adorable, even as it annoyed me to no end that he wouldn't share the details of his progress, now though, ever since we got back, it seems to be more manic than ever, and I'm going to need him to talk, really talk.

Barry is at work, Wally is at work, the kids are at school, Caitlin and Ronnie are still kind of adjusting to being home, Martin is off somewhere with his wife, so it's just me and Cisco in the lab today, and I'm going to make him spill.

I bring beef tagine, which I can't make as well as the Moroccans yet, but the moisture collecting in the corners of Cisco's mouth at the smell suggest it's still the perfect bribe.

"Nuh uh," I say, snatching the plate out of his grasp. You're going to tell me what you're working on Cisco Ramon."

"Iris, you know my work is confidential," He says just as unconvincingly as ever.

"No it isn't," I say. "Every time you have a new toy in progress you can't shut up about it, I had to literally threaten you to keep those pictures of your sonic gun off of instagram."

He still quiet, his gaze lingering on the tagine. I pull it back some more, happy to make him suffer.

"Okay, okay, you win, I lose," he says. He's so very easy. "The machine, I think it works Iris."

"You mean, you actually think you can send people like you and me through time, no speedster powers necessary?"

"You sound awfully skeptical for a woman with a superhero posse."

"It's just, it's a lot to take in," I admit. "I mean, you honestly think you perfected it?"

"I honestly do. It's passed every simulation several times over, even Martin's confident the thing works."

"So why didn't you say anything? Why did I have to bribe you with food?"

"Because Iris, this is serious shit we're dealing with. Do you know what can happen if we mess with the space time continuum? Just because we can for all intents and purposes travel through time, doesn't mean that we should."

He's got a point, we learned the consequences of time travel long ago, and while we hardly ruled out further excursions through time, or at least the intentional ones, it's not like either of us are dumb enough to go joyriding through the decades.

"That's a great point, but I can't help but ask, why did you need to remake the machine if you were never planning on using it?"

"Because it's a freaking time machine, you're telling me if you had the know how to build an actual time machine you wouldn't do it? Besides, never say never, you have no idea what we may end up needing it for."

I hear him come in before he speaks, it's one o'clock, lunchtime.

"Needing what for?" Barry says walking in. He kisses my head and drapes an arm around me.

"Well so much for the grand reveal," Cisco says. "Follow me."

We walk downstairs with him and truly there was no grand reveal to be had. The machine looks the same as it did when Barry used it to try saving his mom all those years ago.

"This, my friend, is a time portal," Cisco says, waving across it dramatically. Barry's expression is about what I would expect.

"Um, yeah," he says. "I know."

"You really don't," Cisco says. "Let me clarify, this isn't just a time portal, this is a time portal that can send anyone to any time in any direction."

And suddenly he doesn't look so unimpressed.

"Wait," he says, walking up to it, squinting as if he might see something different about it. "You did it? You really did it?"

"Um, yeah. I mean I've only tested it by ten or so minutes at a time, but every one has been successful, all thirty runs over the past two months."

Barry is quiet and awestruck as he looks on, and I know it's strange to wonder why. It's a time machine, anyone in their right mind would be excited, especially a science geek like Bear, but the way he stares, his eyes glistening at the corners, it's almost like he hasn't already been back and forth a few times himself.

"Barry, are you okay?"

"It's happening," he runs a hand down his face. "You said this would happen. And you look the same, just like you did when you rescued me. _Rescue_ me."

It's like he's talking to himself more than either of us, I rescue him? What does he mean?

"It's time, this is the time." 

He's not making any sense at all. I take his hand gently.

"Babe, what do you mean?"

"Cisco, I just need a minute," he says, walking me out of earshot.

And he tells me everything, about the very good friend who helped him when he was lost in time, how I came to him when he nearly made the mistake of going to Wells, a decision that could have irrevocably broken every event going forth. He tells me how happy I was.

"I _am_ happy," I say.

"No, it's not just that, it was like you weren't scared anymore. Like everything we thought we knew about the future had changed."

"But it hasn't?" I say, understanding his emotion. Because nothing has, events have transpired exactly as they were meant to.

"No, it hasn't," he says.

"But, you know there's still time Bear there's still--

"Stop, just stop it okay." He says. "I know baby."

He takes my hands in his. "But we have a year, a year left Iris. We can't have a year left."

He looks like he might punch the wall. I feel like I can't do any of this. Something is piling up inside, maybe it always has been, but I feel it heavy in the pit of my stomach now, about to collapse on itself. I have to relax, I have to make him relax.

"And these years have been the absolute happiest years of my life."

"Don't say that, don't act like it's your time. It isn't, it can't be."

"Barry-

"There has to be a way there has to be something-

"There isn't okay!" It's collapsing, everything is collapsing, spilling, coming undone. I can't keep it from collapsing anymore. "There isn't. I can't save you. I can't save us."

I'm the one collapsing now, against him. And I realize then that he was right, I have accepted it. After all these years I made myself accept it because it hurt less than admitting the truth.

"I stopped knowing what to do a long time ago Barry," And there it is, finally. I squeeze him tighter like he might let go, but I know that he won't. "I just wanted to stay strong. I just wanted to give you everything I could because it's all I can do. But I can't fix this."

He kisses me across the face, and holds me so warm and close I might evaporate in his arms, he says _"I'm sorry baby"_ I cling to him desperately.  
"I was supposed to fix it Iris, I was supposed to be the hero. But no, you are. You've been mine every single day since the moment I met you. I just, I..."

"Barry?"

"I wanted to save you back for once."

It's then that we know. We can't fight it anymore. Fate will do what it wants and we can't get in its way. Right now fate wants me to go to 1994 with Cisco Ramon to save the younger Barry Allen, lost in time. That's what I'll do. Then I'll go home, lie down with my husband, and cherish the days we have left.  
The things that happen happen for a reason. We can't change them. Maybe we shouldn't try to. 

Of course that lasts all of five minutes.

**Stay tuned folks!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Barry Allen is the only one who can save the world, and you just might be the only one who can save Barry Allen."

Traveling in a time machine will be different than I expect, Cisco says. I think it will be fast, like when Barry zips me around the city. But Cisco warns me that it can feel very slow, like when you're having a near death experience and your life flashes before your eyes. Out of all of the fantastic experiences I've had, traveling thirty years into my past to rescue my husband is definitely up there. I know I've lived through 1994 before, but it still feels like more than a lifetime ago. I'm buzzing with questions.

Can we warn people about 9 11? 

Can we buy Apple stock? 

"Can we keep Justin Bieber from ever turning into a thing?" I pace like mad, giddy with nervous energy as Cisco presses the necessary buttons, makes the necessary adjustments. 

"Jesus Christ lady, would you dial it back like 100 notches?" Cisco says. 'We're just correcting an anomaly in time, this is strictly business. God I can't believe I said that, I better not run into little me because he'd so kick my ass. But what I said stands, we get in, we get back out."

I try to breath and I nod my head.

"Alright, you ready?" He says, meeting me and Barry where we stand. We're better since this afternoon. I think it's because we have to be, no falling to pieces with a speedster to save.

"And you're sure this is how it happens?" I say. I'm still nervous, shaky, but excited too.

"I'm sure. You'll do fine I promise," Barry says.

I take another deep breath and squeeze Barry's hand once before stepping onto the platform with Cisco.

"Oh man," I'm traveling through time, I'm time traveling, this is happening."

"Yup," Cisco says. "Now in keeping with the 90's theme, let's rock."

Barry pushes the button like ripping off a bandaid, and before my eyes he's gone.  
****  
Something tells me Cisco didn't quite calculate this right. The machine isn't moving anymore, my past and future and everything in between is no longer flashing before me, but I'm not in 1994. I don't know where I am actually. It's dark, and freezing. I'm on my back, on the cold gravel and it smells like rain and stale booze and ever so slightly of blood. As my vision begins to focus I see I'm in some dark alley, but there isn't a streetlight or lighted sign anywhere in my view. If it weren't for the dull moonlight peeking from behind the clouds I'd might as well be blind. I sit up carefully, trying to make out a trace or a hint of my surroundings. There's nothing to see, nothing to hear, and suddenly I'm scared. This isn't supposed to be where I wind up. It's supposed to be daytime and snowing, and Cisco is supposed to be right here with me. I have to stay calm, he warned me that a time machine can be like a video buffering, that everything can freeze in one spot before I can finish traveling. But this doesn't feel like that's what's happening. I can move just fine, and the light from the machine is gone. In fact the machine itself is nowhere that I can see it. And I'm worried that it may have dropped me somewhere I'm not meant to be.

This was a mistake, it wasn't time yet. But he seemed so sure. If he hadn't been sure he would have taken Martin instead. Even though he's getting up there in age he knows a lot more about this stuff than I do. Wally 's speed powers would have been far more helpful in this situation too. We didn't realize that there would be a situation when we went though, it was supposed to be an easy job, Barry promised us it would go off without a hitch. But as I turn frantically in every direction, looking for a spark of civilization, of energy, of anything, I realize that this is a pickle even Martin or Wally may not have been able to get out of.  
I cup my hands around my mouth. 

"Hello!" My voice sounds deafiningly loud in the quiet darkness. "Hello!"

There's no answer. I take out my cell to see if it can call anyone. If I'm where I'm supposed to be it won't work because the satellite for it wouldn't have been built yet. It doesn't work, but that does little to calm my nerves. Not being able to call anyone could just as easily mean I'm hundreds of years in the future, or sometime before the civil rights movement, or just in a bad connection area. In any case being able to use it would actually be a plus right now. I put it back in my pocket and keep trying to breathe. I don't know where I am, or even _when_ I am. I have no idea what to do, but I know that I can't do nothing, so I wrap my parka tighter around myself, and I run. I don't know what I'm running toward, or away from, but the more I run the closer to something I may get. I emerge from the alley and into the street. There are no cars, still no lights. But I spot a street sign, faded and crooked with neglect. It's Emory drive. I know this street. I work on this street. I'm in Central city, I can see all the familiar buildings; Picture news, Big Belly Burger, Central City Bank and Trust, it's all here, but it's not. The windows are boarded up and everything is in shambles, abandoned. A ghost town.

I'm not in 1994, I'm in the future. Dammit Cisco.

****  
I keep walking, hoping for signs of life somewhere. I wish I knew what year this is, there's no papers strewn on the ground that aren't faded to the point of being illegible. Tears are streaming down my face but I ignore them, it's no time to succumb to them. I wish it were daytime at least, if it were daytime I'd feel a little less afraid. I'm trying to figure out what year this is from the small bit of evidence at my disposal. Apparently the world ended when every landmark I recognize was still standing. It's not exactly a comforting thought. This was the result of the crisis, the one that reverse Flash helped perpetrate before Barry pulled him into the singularity. The thought that even that might have been another pointless act of heroism isn't one I want to dwell on for too long. I need to find people, I need to find someone.

"Hello!"

My voice still sounds strange surrounded by all of this nothing, but I keep at it. I walk what must be for miles through the darkness, over every surface of Central city I can reasonably cover on foot. My feet ache, my back aches, my throat aches from screaming, my heart aches from everything else.

"Hello!"

Nothing, I glance at my watch, squinting to make out the numbers in the moonlight. I'm glad that it's the old fashioned kind, it's the one thing I have to be glad about. It's been over five hours, five hours since when I don't know. The sky doesn't seem to be lightening up even a shade. The lights on this street are out like everywhere else, the only sound is the faint rustling of dead leaves in the wind, but I know where I am now, somehow I can feel where I am now. 

I turn to see my house, the house I grew up in with Barry Allen. I don't have to see it clearly to know it no longer resembles itself.

This is where I succumb.

I sink to my knees and take a few moments to hyperventilate, to panic, because after this there will be no more panicking. After this there will be only survival.  
I don't know how long I've been crying when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

I should be relieved to run into someone, but after five hours of dark, terrifying waking silence the contact is such a shock to the system my well honed reflexes kick in and the stranger ends up pinned to the ground.

"What's happening, what year is this?" I'm frantic as I yell for answers. 

"2041," He's sounds young, mid twenties at most, and in the moonlight I can just make out his broad, handsome features. I don't know this boy, but he seems instantly familiar all the same. 

"2041?" I've traveled 15 years, but how? "Where did everyone go?"

"It was the crisis," he says. "The anti life equation, we couldn't protect anyone once it spread."

"Anti life equation?"

"He doesn't look afraid or try to struggle out of my grasp, and I wonder why. I'm even more confused as he begins to smile and the moonlight catches the tears in the corner of his eyes.

"Oh my god, I can't believe it worked, I can't believe we found you."

I loosen my grasp on him and he sits up

"Who am I to you?" I say.

"Don't you recognize me?" He seems more familiar the more he speaks, but I still don't know why. Then it hits me, like a cinderblock it hits me. 2041, a kid in his early twenties.

"Donovan?" I nearly whisper, squinting my eyes.

"I knew you knew who I was," he says.

I do, and I can't stop myself from hugging him. The last time I saw this boy he was five years old, now he's a man, it's overwhelming to see, but I learned to accept the strange a long time ago.

"Oh my god, you're my son, you're all grown up," I cry bitterly into his shoulder and he hugs me back.

"Mom, we have to go inside, there's a lot to go over and not a lot of time, I know you were traveling, it was the only way we could bring you here.

"You brought me here?" I say. "How?"

"Well, would you believe me if I said it was magic?"

Honestly, at this point I think I would.

He takes me down into the basement, where there's a dim glow of oil lamps and candles and the moving shadows and whispered voices of three or four people. I lock eyes with a short, weary looking man, a shock of gray at his temples, a short beard on his face, wrinkles in the corner of his eyes. He should be in his early fifties, but he looks a bit older. Still, at the sight of me there's a glimmer of light in his eyes that reminds me instantly of my friend.

"Cisco?" 

"Iris, oh my god it worked," He throws his arms around me, even more excited to see me than I am to see him, and I'm very excited to see him. It's only been a few hours but it feels like years. "Caitlin you owe me three cans of hormel chili."

I look past him at a thin woman as she yanks down her hood. She looks like she hasn't aged much at all, but then again the constant cold probably keeps things tight.

"Iris," She gets up with some struggle, clearly weakened by the lack of heat, but not nearly as much as she would have been fifteen years ago. "I would hug you but I'd probably kill you. I can survive on much smaller amounts of heat now, but when I come in contact with a powerful source my instincts take over and I just have to drain it. Things aren't so good since Ronnie..."

She doesn't have to finish, I know, and I smile at her warmly and sadly and she smiles back.

"Who's left?" I ask.

"You're looking at us," Don says.

And I realize then that Dawn must not have made it either, and I try hard to breathe. She isn't gone yet, I have to remember that. I have to focus and stay in the room and not fall to pieces, because apparently I'm here for a reason, and I have to know what that reason is. I project all of the sadness and overwhelming emotion I have right now into a single tear, and I wipe it away quickly. 

"That's enough sentiment for this century."

The man coming out of the shadows is the first one I don't recognize. He's tall, and dressed in a helmet of gold that looks like some sort of relic out of time, there's an ankh around his neck and a long cape that looks affected by wind that I can't feel. There's something not quite human about him, not quite tangible. It's like he's some sort of ghost, here and not here at once.

"I was hoping for Barry Allen," he says, and it's like I'm not hearing his voice, rather feeling it. "The keeper of the speedforce is the one we needed."

"Yeah, and my mother is the only one who can find him, they're connected remember?"

"Not if Barry Allen dies."

"He isn't dead yet, but when _she_ died he was lost, and he'll stay lost if we can't stop it," Cisco says.

"Wait a minute, back up," I say. "Can somebody explain to me what's going on?"

They all look at me now, and I feel an inch tall under their collective stare. I wrap my arms around myself, feeling suddenly colder. As Cisco comes toward me it takes everything in me not to inch away.

"Why am I here Cisco?"

"You're here to change the fate of the world," The ghostly man says. "I'm here to allow it."

"It's in the name," Cisco says. "Iris, meet Dr. Fate. He's a sorceror. I know, awesome right?"

He bows his head toward me. And I give him a lame, nervous wave.

"This is a very long story, and I'm sorry but I don't quite know how to make it any shorter," Don says. "You remember Reverse Flash, right?"

"Of course, how could I forget?" There's spite and anger in my voice even still.

"Well, when he was taken into the singularity the first time, he didn't die, his essence survived."

"He ended up on this other plain of existence," Cisco says. "He spent years just sort of drifting through time and space, materializing and dematerializing, creating this negative speedforce, sort of like a cancer that infected space and time itself without us even knowing it was happening."

"But somebody knew," Caitlin says. "Somebody who could use it to destroy the speedforce so that all of the speedsters on earth would lose their power. As it turned out the negative speedforce was a very large component of the anti-life equation."

"What is the anti life equation?" I ask, trying to stay calm.

"It's what Darkseid did," Cisco says. "He's like this space terrorist who's reason for being rests on ending life itself. And unfortunately for everyone, destroying the speedforce was a very good place to start."

"There is of course a glimmer of hope," Dr. Fate says. "And it lies in your husband, it's why we've been trying to summon him for the past year, but unfortunately not even my power is strong enough to find a being who's very existence defies the laws of time and space. You however were relatively easy to conjure once you detached yourself from the normal flow of time."

My husband, if this is 2041 and they still haven't found him, then does that mean he's gone forever? That there's no hope anymore? They don't seem to believe that, and I can't say I blame them. Giving up on Barry isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world.

"Barry was the first speedster affected by the particle accelerator on this dimension, we think there's a reason for that" Cisco says. "And we think if Reverse flash could create a negative speedforce by drifting through time and space for years, then Barry can do the same. But we need to find him, we need to stop the negative speedforce from ever spreading and you're the only one who can bring him back."

"But why me, I'm just a person, I don't have powers I don-

"You have more power than you know Mom," To hear Don call me mom makes me feel better in a way I can't describe.

"I wouldn't go that far," Fate says. "But it is true, that every speedster has an anchor, someone or something to keep him tethered to this plain. And when Reverse Flash killed you that tether was forever broken."

"But I can't stop Reverse Flash from killing me, we've tried to change things, but it hasn't worked."

"You can change it Iris, in fact you have to change it, otherwise this will be our end. Darkseid perfecting the anti-life equation means that soon, everything that has ever lived will cease to be. Including us," Fate says. "We needed every speedster to work together, to end reverse flash once and for all and keep the negative speedforce from spreading, but when Barry disappeared there was no hope for the rest of them. So far we've confirmed the death of every speedster on earth except for Barry Allen."

"Okay, then how? How, how do I stop it? How do I keep Barry from ever disappearing?"

"I can't change Barry's destiny," Dr. Fate says. "Only yours. You have to enter the speedforce, it's the only thing that will bring him home. Before everything turns to dust. Barry Allen is the only one who can save the world, and you just might be the only one who can save Barry Allen. "

"I don't know how to do that," And now I'm getting frustrated. They're being too cryptic, If they could just give me some sort of instruction manual or something maybe I could wrap my mind around what it is they're trying to tell me.

"When Barry used to travel, he always ended up where you were," Cisco says. "When he landed in 1994, you were there, when he ended up in 2025 you were there. Every increase in his ability was prompted by his emotional connection to you Iris."

"This is all really romantic but it doesn't get me any closer to knowing how to find my husband in the speedforce."

"Barry isn't _in_ the speedforce, if our theories are correct he _became_ the speedforce. If it didn't still exist in some capacity none of us would be here right now." Fate says. "That means the only connection we still have to it is inside of you. We brought you here so that I could give you the power to change your outcome. But you can't do so until the time comes. When you know what you've done to alter your fate, you'll have already done it."

"So do it then," I say. "Do your sorcery thing, give me the power to change my outcome."

"Iris, it's already been done," Fate says. "It was done the moment you arrived here."

"But I don't feel any different."

"And you won't, not until the right moment. Magic isn't as simple as science, and science isn't simple at all. I can't just abra cadabra a new fate for the entire world. I have to work small."

"We're sorry by the way, about summoning you," Cisco says. "But that's kind of how the spell worked."

Spells, Jesus, not even Mari McCabe could prepare me for the existence of spells, but Cisco looks damn near unfazed.

"So what now? I mean, how am I supposed to save Barry and stop all of this from happening if I'm stuck here."

"Yeah, about that," Cisco says. "Fate, little help."

The ghostly man in the helmet of gold speaks words I don't understand, it's so loud and present I can feel the floor shaking under me, as he raises his arms to the sky I can feel myself going away, fading. I look at them all, Cisco, Caitlin... my son.

"We love you mom," Don says, his voice like liquid.

"We know you can do this," Cisco says.

"We believe in you," Says Caitlin.

It isn't long before I'm back in the machine, Cisco by my side. In a few magic words I'm right back where I should be, and for the first time in forever, I feel powerful, like I know exactly what Barry was talking about when he said I came to him sure that things were going to be different. The last five hours feel like a long, trippy fever dream, but somehow I know they happened. 

"So," Cisco says, looking out at the snowy forest right outside the walls of the machine. It's like I was there with him the entire time. He seems to notice nothing. I won't tell him what I saw, I won't tell anyone, I think part of me is still afraid of jinxing the whole thing."Are you ready for this?"

I take his hand and give it a small squeeze.

"I think I might just be ready for anything."

**Stay tuned folks!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I diverge pretty wildly from the comics here (then again, so does the show). I don't think Reverse Flash has quite as much to do with the anti-life equation as I wrote here, even though the negative speedforce is absolutely a thing. I will also be taking a few more liberties with how the speedforce works and what it's like for a speedster to fuse with it, mostly because the comics don't really cover that in depth, in the comics it's basically this, getting lost to the speedforce = dead, until of course it doesn't. Also, sorry for so little Westallen interaction, but there will be plenty of it in the next two chapters, also the next chapter will once again follow Barry's POV.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But I felt like whatever she saw, it changed things, I still believe that, even when I hear the first car crash outside of CCPD.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason for this slow update is very simple, writer's block galore. This is because sci-fi, actiony type fiction really isn't my forte (probably should have seen this dilemma coming trying to write a story about time travel), although I love to watch and read it. I hope I did a decent job.

The day I disappear starts out like any other Saturday. I wake to the mild chill of the ceiling fan because Iris can never not steal my covers. It's like waking up next to a smoking hot mummy, and I have to dig a little to kiss her awake.

"Sorry babe, did I hog the blankets again?" she says, always so guilty even though she knows damn well she's just going to do it again the next night (of course I don't know for sure at this point there isn't going to be a next night). She apologizes with her hand down my shorts and her tongue against mine, and I forgive her pretty immediately, but nothing happens because Don and Dawn spin inside and hop up onto our bed, giving us just enough time to make it look like we weren't about to do what we were absolutely about to do.

"Wake up wake up, Waffles! Waffles!" They say so simultaneously they're like one voice, even as they bounce and tug at our pajamas.

It's Saturday morning, waffle day. Every other day is cereal or poptart day, but Saturday is special. We eat them on the couch and watch cartoons and me and Iris both laugh harder at many of the jokes than either of the kids. It amazes me how everything has changed, but at the same time, nothing has changed at all. We're still Iris and Barry, still best friends. We've just added two more to the equation.

We leave the kids with Wally and Linda and both go to work but all I really want to do is sit on the couch all day and watch bad TV and drift in and out of sleep with my daughter's head on my shoulder, my son's feet in my lap and my wife's hand in my hand. Me and Iris plan to meet up for lunch no matter what goes down today, even if we have to wait until six at night to eat it together we'll wait. She kisses me much longer and deeper than a goodbye kiss requires, and it's almost as if she knows that it happens today. Well, technically she does know, we both do. But ever since she went back to the past to save me she's been so happy, so sure that things are going to be okay. She never told me everything she saw or found out, only the things I absolutely needed to know, things I basically had to pry out of her when she started getting a little too cryptic. But I felt like whatever she saw, it changed things, I still believe that, even when I hear the first car crash outside of CCPD.

I'm fast getting into my suit. A public disturbance is so easy to identify at this point I don't even need to weigh the chances of it being some sort of fender bender. I breathe in and out, deep. This isn't what I think it is. Central city is metahuman ground zero. It's my job to stop them, and I always do. There's only one problem, there are no metahumans anywhere in sight. I cover the entirety of central city within seconds and I find nothing but car crashes, and the people, they aren't running from anything, they seem to be moving toward something, like zombies. Is this the actual zombie apocalypse? That seems a little farfetched even for me.

But what else could it be? they're slow moving uptown, looking at the sky like they're seeing something I'm not. I look up too. It's only sky. It doesn't stop them from looking, so hard and still up at nothing that it feels like I'm the one with the problem here. There's a woman, looking up and moving slow like the rest, about to walk freely into the path of a speeding car.

"Hey, watch out!" I cry even as I swoop her out of the way. "What is going on, what's happened to everyone?"

She's still looking up, it's like she can't even hear me, and her eyes, they're dark, almost inhumanely dark, and the pupils are a dull, throbbing red.

"Darkseid," she whispers, Darkseid, it's happening, that name appeared in the article, but there was no context for it before. This is it, it's happening, no matter how much I want to deny it. Suddenly the woman goes still in my arms, eyes still open but no longer looking. She's dead.

I look out at the rest of them, at least 25, maybe 50. They've stopped in their tracks, all looking up at the same nothing, and they say it too, almost in complete unison.

"Darkseid."

"No!" I cry out, but I can't stop it. They all fall at once.

I have to get to Iris, I have to get to my kids. 

I run to Central City Picture News, I look through the window. Everyone is frantic, running around, phones pressed to ears, tablets being worked over. They must have received more phone calls in the last five minutes than they have all month.

"Iris!" I bolt through the double doors, not caring that I'm the Flash right now. Finding her is the only thing I care about. "Iris!"

I breath an audible sigh of relief as she breaks through the horde of busy reporters. She doesn't look like the rest of them, nearly buzzing with the promise of a good scoop, she looks like fifty people dropping dead at one time is exactly the sad thing it is.

"We have to go to Star Labs," she says. And I don't so much as nod before sweeping her up, but when I try to run her there, I don't get half a mile before I start to slow down.

"Barry, Babe what's happening?" she says as I set her down. I don't know what's happening, only that I don't feel so great all of a sudden. Nobody around me seems to be in the same trance they were in before, but something tells me that wasn't meant to be an isolated incident. I have to keep it from happening again but I can't do that if I can't run. Can't run. Can't run. Run from what? What am I running from, what's happening?

"Barry, look at me okay," Iris says, she's cupping my face now and looking deep into my eyes. "You have to look at me."

I reach up to grab her wrist.

"You can fight this I know you can."

"Wha... I don't." I don't know, I don't know what's happening.

"It's the negative speedforce, It's the only way Darkseid can hurt the speedsters, and he's trying to hurt you right now, he's trying to stop you from saving everyone, but you can't let it stop you, you have to run, we have to get to Star Labs, we have to get there now. I called everyone, they're waiting for you."

"Iris I--

"Run Barry, now!"

I jostle my head around and it feels like whatever I just lost is rushing back. I don't understand what just happened, but dwelling on it too much will only waste time. I pick up Iris and run her the rest of the way.

Everybody is here. Cisco, Caitlin, Wally, Linda, The Twins, Ronnie, Mari. Everyone except for Joe and Martin, who should be here any minute. But nobody knows what's happening any more than I do.

"Darkseid, that's what they're all saying right?" Iris says.

"You've said that before. What is Darkseid?" I say.

"Other than an awesome name?" Cisco chimes in.

"I don't know any more than I was told, only that he's trying to use the negative speedforce that Reverse Flash created." She tells me what she knows, and how she knows, about the negative speedforce, Darkseid, all of it, and it begins to make sense.

"There is no such thing as a negative speedforce, we've used all of the technology and intel we have to detect it."

"There is Cisco," she argues.

"I felt it," I say

"So did I," says Wally. "It's like I was trying to run and I was being pulled back by something, and I don't know it's like I zoned out a minute. Everything just went sort of foggy."

"Okay, this is big, we need reinforcements," I say. "Iris, contact everyone we know that can help us, Ollie, Ray, Jefferson, everyone."

She already had them all on standby in case the future came true. We were just all hoping that it wouldn't.

Iris continues to keep her eye on the city from the computer, I can tell she's getting anxious, to get out there, get any information that can help. It's what she does, it's how she's always been there for us, but she can't go right now, they need to stay together. At least as far as she knows nobody else has been attacked. And we can't wait for them to be. 

"Barry, where are you going?" she says as I go for the door.

"I can't wait for them, I have to make sure nobody else dies."

"I'll go with you," Wally says.

"How, how are you going to do that when nobody can see what's attacking them?" Caitlin says.

I wish I had an answer for that, or for any of this. We've been back and forth and every other way in time trying to stop this very thing and we still don't even know what it is. But I have to try, I have to do something. I tell them as much.

"Then we're going too," Mari says, grabbing Cisco's hand, he nods firmly. 

"Me too," Says Ronnie, and Caitlin's eyes go the slightest bit wider at the thought, but she doesn't protest, she steps forward, her hands shaking not just because her powers still get the best of her sometimes.

"Barry," Iris says. She can't stop me, she knows it. Keeping me in this room won't keep me any safer. It won't keep any of us safer.

"It's going to be okay," I say. "Your voice is with me wherever I go right?"

"Right," she says, trying to smile but too shaken to fully manage it.

"Daddy," Dawn says, running up to hug my knees. "Can we go? We have powers too."

I kneel down to be at eye level with her. "You guys have the most important job there is, you have to look out for your mom, can you do that?" They nod in unison, and I hug them both and send them back. I can't help but think this feels like a goodbye. Somehow I know whatever is out there, whatever is threatening to come out of the sky, is going to take me with it. I hold Iris by the small of her back and kiss her, one of those epic kisses you see in the movies that has a big explosion in the background. I know that she did everything she could to save me, there are people out there with powers that would put the Gods to shame that wouldn't have tried half as hard to save me as she did. And she did save me, she's been saving me all along.

"I love you," I say so low only she can hear.

"No Barry, this isn't happening. You're going to be okay you're--

I don't kiss her again to cut her off, I do it because this might be the last time I ever get to. Before she can protest again I'm already gone.  
****  
It's quiet at first, so quiet we think that maybe there's some time, no such luck, it isn't long before I hear her voice, warning me.

"Barry," Iris says in my ear. "There're reports coming in, there have been sightings of these strange creatures showing up all over the city but the reports, they're strange, almost incomprehesible."

"Creatures?" I say. "What kind of--

Cisco claps me solidly on the back and I look where he's looking. It's humanoid, standing tall and straight, its large eyes glowing red like the woman who died in my arms, it's wearing some sort of armor, medieval looking only sleeker, more utilitarian, and its... it's definitely unlike anything I've ever seen before. It's not a creature, this thing, it's something else. It's kind of beautiful.

"Barry! Don't look at it, look away! Barry," Iris says. I squeeze my eyes shut tight and when I open them again, it's gone. "Barry, if you see one of those things don't look at it, either run away or try to kill it, whatever you do don't let it lock eyes with you."

"What the hell is going on Iris?" Cisco says.

"It's all part of the equation," she says. "I don't really understand it myself."

"You never said anything about hypnomonsters," Cisco says.

"Yeah, neither did Fate," I don't understand what she means by that, but there's no time to ask. "Go, find them and take them out, now."

So we do, we go all over the city finding Darkseid's apparent minions and taking them out one by one. It doesn't take long for help to come, and we need all of the help we can get, a bow and arrow, blue lightning, compact missiles, Ice, we have all the power in the world and they just keep coming, from seemingly out of nowhere. It gets to the point where we don't know if they're even real. But they're real enough for the people we can't protect from them. Iris sends out a message to all of the media outlets, telling them to warn the people. But according to the reports she's received they can show up anywhere, at any time, and can adapt quickly to look like whatever will get a someone's guard down.

It must be what's happening to Oliver right now.

"Felicity!" He cries, running toward one of them.

"Ollie, Oliver what are you doing!" I run at him, wrestling him to the ground, the speed is the only thing on my side and even that feels weak against him.

"She's hurt Barry I have to get to her!" Oliver yells, he punches me in the face, hard, and runs at it again. It isn't felicity, the thing is messing with his mind. 

"Cyborg," I yell. "Shoot it!"

And he does, he blasts it away right in front of him.

"No!" Oliver screams with the kind of agony I know I'd feel if I had seen Iris blown to bits in front of me.

"Iris, get me Felicity," I say. "Before Oliver kills someone."

"On it babe," she says. Felicity knows exactly what's happening, she's keeping tabs back in Star City, she'll answer quickly.

I look again at Oliver, still hovering over Felicity's supposed body, he's simmering with the mounting anger he's sure to unleash on anyone who gets too close.

"Felicity?" Oliver says, perking up suddenly, his hand on his earpiece, Felicity must have gotten the message. They only talk for the tiniest of relief-filled seconds before he joins the fight once again, once he's certain she's safe.

"Iris, they just keep coming," I say. Jefferson is blasting one away with his lightning powers, Wally is making a shield around a group of them while Caitlin freezes them solid. He looks tired as he stops, far more tired than he should look "And our speed, I don't know what's happening with our speed."

"You have to fight it Barry," She says. "You have to..."

She stops, and I'm worried, because anything can be happening over there right now.

"Iris?"

"It wasn't him," she says, her voice far away like she's realizing something. "It wasn't reverse Flash."

"What? Iris."

"Barry--

There's nothing but static on the other side now.

"Iris!"

"Iris Allen is no more," I turn, peering through the smoke rising up from the battleground to see a pair of red eyes, and not the ones that have been spotted all over the city, a very familiar pair of red eyes.

"What did you do to her?" I seethe. Reverse Flash, the one we've been searching for all this time, right in front of me. But she said it wasn't him, that's it, this is a trick Darkseid is playing, it was all a trick... but no. It can't be, it's him, plain as day. And Iris said it herself, his essence survived, it set the negative speedforce into motion so the speedsters wouldn't be immune to the anti-life equation, and now he's here to finish the job. I won't let it happen, I have to destroy him, whatever speed I have left inside of me, I have to use it now. If I can get rid of him I can restore the speedforce, I can disrupt the equation. So I run, I run as fast as I can, faster than I've ever ran, fast enough to rip a hole through time and space and send him right through it. I'll leave him in the middle ages, or so far into the future he can never get back. I can do this, I can stop him, and I won't get lost. As long as I remember her, as long as I remember Iris I'll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, the next (and second to last) chapter will have alternating POV. Also a veritable crapton of citrus. Seriously, I might just get weird with it. I probably wont but just in case I do, be prepared.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if time means anything here. Because I feel like I've been here for both years and no time at all, and I don't know whether I sleep or just drift away awhile before drifting back.

**2024**

Twins are asleep, dishes have been washed and put away, husband's still missing. It's been a month since he disappeared, just like he was supposed to.

It's hard to believe now that I was supposed to see this all coming. I've been seeing it coming for ten years and I still can't believe all that has happened, all that will keep happening if I don't find him. It's only a matter of time before Darkseid attacks again, before the negative speedforce consumes everything that's left and takes Wally right with it. 

The anti life equation can't work if the speedforce is intact. If time and space is moving as it should and the speedsters are fully operational, Darkseid can't get to us. That's what Dr. Fate said. Fixing all of this depends on finding Barry, or since I'm his anchor and all, letting him find me. I know he is alive out there, I don't believe that because Fate told me, I believe it because I feel him. I feel him with every cell in my body. When me and Barry used to touch, I'd sometimes feel this spark, this energy, and when he disappeared, it was like I felt it coursing through my whole body. I still feel it, like he's inside of me somehow. And surviving long enough to find him involves a particularly insane theory of mine. The reverse Flash as we once knew him doesn't exist in the same form, meaning The Reverse Flash that Barry ripped a hole through time to destroy wasn't really him at all, he was a trick that Darkseid was playing, like when Oliver thought he lost Felicity. 

So when Barry saw me die, he wasn't really seeing me die, it was all a part of Darkseid's second attack. Of course it is just a theory, and not even one of those practically airtight theories like gravity, more like an "I completely pulled this out of my ass" sort of theory, but it's the only one I have. So when Barry comes to me from the future, which should happen any minute, if everything Barry told me is correct, I can't let my fear of what happens stop me from sending him back home.

As afraid as I am that doing things the same way will doom us all, I'm more afraid of the alternative. If I don't send Barry back to where he belongs, the twins will never get a chance to exist, so much good that has happened over the last ten years will be wiped away. And if Barry doesn't see what happens to me when I send him back, he'll never attempt to fix it. Everything will be different, and quite possibly in a way that's far worse. I have to go about things the way I did before. I have to trust that I won't actually die. Pardon the pun, but for the first time, I have to trust Fate.

It's late, so late that it could just as accurately be referred to as early, Dawn is on the couch and I'm pacing the floor now, waiting. I know he's coming, and I wonder if I knew the last time too. I guess I would have had to, right? All these years and time travel still makes my head hurt.

_Whoosh!_

I can feel the breeze from the kitchen play with my hair, and a smile reaches my lips. He's here.

**????**  
****Iris****

I know what you're wondering now, was my theory correct? Did I die? Well, I honestly can't tell you. When I sent Barry back in time there was a big explosion of light that sent me crashing into the wall. I hit my head pretty hard, and I think I broke my neck, but when Reverse Flash, if that was in fact him (and that's still debatable) came toward me, and vibrated his hand into my chest, everything went black, and now I'm here. The thing is, once again I have no clue where _here_ is. My neck and head feel fine, and I don't feel like anything has been vibrated through my chest, so I'm thinking this could be heaven, or hell. I honestly don't know which or even if I believe in either. I guess I always have, just never really thought about it much. But I hope that if this is heaven, there's more to it than this strange, dark room. It's so dark in fact that I don't see the man standing in the corner right away. He's writing something on the wall, actually, he's writing the same thing over and over again. 

IRISIRISIRISRISIRISIRISIRISRISIRISIRISIRISRISIRISIRISIRISRISIRISIRISIRISRISIRISIRISIRISRISIRISIRISIRISRISISIRISIRISIRISRISIRISIRISIRISRISIRISIRISIRISRISIRISIRISIRISRIS

"Hello?" I say, a little bit curious, a little bit scared out of my mind. And when he turns around, the scared out of my mind part falls completely away. Because holy crap, it's my husband.

****Barry**** 

There's a woman here, as if out of nowhere she's here, illuminating this very dark room. I was alone and now I'm not. But I don't understand how I'm not alone. I've always been alone, for as long as I can remember I've been in this room, with nothing but a name repeating in my mind over and over again. I have memories of faces too, all sorts of faces that come in flashes so quick I hardly see them at all. A little girl and a little boy smiling up at me, an older, kindly looking man with a salt and pepper beard, a young man with ears that stick out and dark brown eyes. All of those faces look a good deal like the one that belongs to the woman in front of me now, but I've never seen her before. Still, I feel like I should know her, like I should know what her laugh sounds like, what it feels like to touch her. I don't understand why I don't know these things.

"Hello," I say back to her, and my own voice sounds strange to me. Have I talked at all before now?

"Barry?" she says in almost a whisper. I don't know that name, I've never heard it before, but when she says it it feels... I don't know, it feels like something I should have heard before. Before I can turn it over in my mind enough to make sense of it, the woman has thrown her arms around me, tight around me. I don't know what it means for her to do this, or why I feel so warm, I've never been warm before, I didn't even think I knew what warm meant, but I do because I feel it in her arms. "Barry, thank God."

"Who are you?" I say. I wrap my arms around her too, because I want to feel her more. 

She breaks away and I start to feel cold again. "You don't know me?"

Her voice is gentle and sad at the idea that I don't know her. Not knowing her makes me sad too. I shake my head no.

She looks at the wall, my wall.

"I'm her," she says pointing at it. "I'm Iris."

"Iris?" I say. It's the only name I've ever thought about. I don't know how long I've been here, or anything really, only that I've never been able to stop thinking about that name. "Who is Iris?"

****Iris****

Crap, he doesn't know who I am. I knew that it wouldn't be that easy, I knew I couldn't just die (possibly), and wake up exactly where my husband is and have everything be fine. Maybe I'm dreaming, maybe I was knocked out when I hit the wall and this is all some trippy coma fantasy.

Or maybe this really is my husband, and he really doesn't remember me. But even if he did, we'd hardly be out of the water. I have no idea where I am or if I'm alive or dead. We have bigger problems than the fact that Barry doesn't know me. But this is the problem I have the biggest capacity to solve right now, so I have to start here.

"Barry, who do I look like sweetheart?" I touch his scruffy cheek with my hand and feel a tear rolling down my own. He feels like Barry, not like some intangible, energy based version of him, but my Barry Allen, he feels like he's always felt. He puts his hand over mine and squeezes it, like he's trying really hard to remember if he's ever touched my hand before.

"You look like..." He's wide eyed, searching. 

"Come on babe," I say, stepping closer, hoping he sees something, anything in me that reminds him of who he is.

"Light," he says. "You look like light."

****Barry****

She's beautiful, she's beautiful like nothing I've ever seen before, and her hand feels soft against my face. And I don't know why but for the first time I feel something besides adrift, detached from anything and everything. _Iris_ that name has been all I can think about, but I still don't know why. I don't know anything about anything. I don't understand why I'm here or how I got here, or anything before, or even if there ever was a before.

"Barry, do you know where we are? Do you know how we got here?"

"I've always been here," I say. "I don't know what else there is."

She looks so sad at my answer. I wish she wouldn't look sad, I want to see what she looks like when she smiles. I bet her smile is the prettiest thing in the world. I think I saw it a little when she recognized me, but she ran at me too fast for me to really see it well. Who is she? Who is Iris? Why does she know me but I don't know her, or where or who I am. It's so confusing. I want her to wrap me in her arms again, where I feel warm and still and _somewhere._

"There's more Barry, there's so much more. You have a home, in Central city, it's a beautiful place. And you have friends, and a family who love you so much Bear."

She's crying so much because I don't know her. I wish I knew a way to make her not be sad, I wish I could know her.

"Are you my family?" I say. "Do you love me?"

She tells me she's my family, and that she loves me more than anything, and I feel those words to the tips of my toes.

_Ever since you told me how you felt I have not been able to stop thinking about you._

My head hurts with the vision, it comes as soon as it goes, Iris, in a green coat, on a cold day. Iris telling me she can't stop thinking about me. Me kissing Iris. Iris kissing me back. Iris's warm lips against mine, so warm on the cold cold day. Iris's smile, the prettiest thing in the world.

****Iris****

I don't know if time means anything here. Because I feel like I've been here for both years and no time at all, and I don't know whether I sleep or just drift away awhile before drifting back. It's strange. Barry still doesn't know me, but somehow I feel like he trusts me, like I'm the only thing he trusts in this place. It changes sometimes, in little ways. Sometimes there's a bed, sometimes there's a table, sometimes there's a photo on the wall. The first time was a picture of his mother, he just kind of stared at it, like he didn't know what it was. And this is crazy, but the longer I'm here, the longer I start to believe that where I am isn't a place, not a real one. I'm not sure if even I believe this, but I think I'm inside of Barry's mind. I think I ended up here because we're connected, I'm his anchor, the only thing that keeps him from getting lost in the speedforce. If the speedforce dies Barry dies too, and I guess that means I'll go right with them, if I'm not dead already. Maybe that's what I am now, the last fragments of Barry's memory clinging to him. I have to get him to remember somehow. I have to get him out of this place.

He's sitting at a desk, drawing a picture. He never could draw before, but what he's drawing now looks pretty good. Good enough for me to know who they are. It's the twins, smiling out with their arms around each other's shoulders. It must be another memory that he can't process. He's quiet now, and he doesn't respond when I talk to him. He gets like this sometimes and I have no real choice but to wait it out.

When he finishes drawing he just looks at it, stares down at it like it's an optical illusion he just can't figure out. If he would ask me I would tell him, they're his babies, and they miss him terribly, and I guess at this point they miss me too. He doesn't ask me because he seems to have forgotten that I'm here. It physically hurts me a little when he crumples the drawing up and starts to cry.

He falls asleep on the bed that's only here sometimes, and I decide to draw a picture of my own. The desk and the paper are gone so I draw it on the wall, the only one that doesn't have my name written all over it. It's me and him on our wedding day, the last one of course. I remember the photo well enough to replicate it. We're kissing as he dips me, my arm is around his neck and a bouquet is grasped in my hand. It's my favorite picture of us. I hope it doesn't disappear by the time he wakes up.

****Barry*****

She drew a picture of us on the wall, it's her in a beautiful dress, and me kissing her. A wedding. I think she told me before that she's my family, this must be how we became family. No wonder I couldn't stop thinking about that name, she's my wife, Iris is my wife. I've kissed her. I want to kiss her now, I want to kiss her more than I've ever wanted anything.

"Iris?" I say, hoping she hasn't gone. I hate it when she's not here.

"Yes sweetheart," she says, her hand on my shoulder is as soft as her voice.

"Can I kiss you? I mean, is that what we're supposed to do?"

She steps in front of me, and touches my face again, and she kisses me. I feel light in the stomach and fuzzy in the head. And I think I love her. I don't understand how it is that I could love her, this stranger who's always here but never really here. I kiss her deeper, pressing against her lips with my lips, tangling my fingers in her hair.

_I love you Iris_

_Aww, I love you too_

_When we were kids I loved you before I knew what the word love meant_

I pull away hard, and she looks sad that I've pulled away. I saw her, next to a tree with lights strung up, in a warm place, warm like when she holds me.

"Barry?" she says.

Who am I? Who is Barry?

****Iris****

We've been in this bed for what feels like days, just laying, not talking. I gave up on talking because he just stares at the ceiling, never responding when I talk. But I stay nestled against him, my arm across his chest, my forehead resting in the crook of his warm neck. I'm wetting him with my tears but he doesn't seem to notice, he doesn't notice much of anything. I drift in and out of sleep like this, and wonder if I'm drifting in and out of his memory. I wonder if one day I'll drift away forever. I start to cry harder, rough, heaving sobs that jostle us both. I just want him to hold me back, but he just stares up at nothing.

After awhile I stop crying. His eyes are closed now. I don't know how long they've been closed. I wonder if he can dream here.

I sit up, and look down at him, and I take his hand. There's a ring on his finger, one that I didn't notice before. I wonder if it means he's remembering me.

"Barry?" I whisper, but he doesn't wake. "Bear?"

Nothing.

I bend to kiss his cheek, and I run my fingers through his hair. I don't know what I'm doing, whether this is some sort of horrible violation, but I can't stop myself, maybe this is what he needs, to understand, to remember. Maybe we need to be closer. I bend down and I kiss his still mouth, and I sit across his lap.  
I take off my top, and I take off my bra, and I kiss him again, slipping my tongue between his unmoving lips. And I kiss along the contour of his jaw and the column of his throat. I run my hand under his shirt and feel his lean muscles. 

"Wake up Bear," I whisper against his ear. I scoot back a little and undo the buttons on his pants. I want to feel him like I used to, I want him to feel me. 

It seems like even when he's trapped in some otherworldy plain of existence, he's still very much a guy. When I reach into his pants and touch him, he begins to stir. When his eyes finally flutter open my heart begins to race.

"Ir-

"Shh," I whisper, placing my finger against his lips. "It's okay Bear."

When I go to kiss him again, he lets me.

****Barry****

I don't understand what's happening, But Iris is naked from the waist up and writhing on top of me. I can feel her nipples through the fabric of my shirt, and my heart is beating so fast as she rubs me under my pants. We used to do this I think, me and Iris, we used to touch like this. I want to touch her too. Her skin is amazing, her mouth tastes warm and sweet. I want to taste her everywhere. 

There are too many clothes between us, so I pull my shirt off, and I feel her skin against mine when she falls against me again. This is right, this is the only right thing in the world. I've said that before, or she has. I'm sure of it, but I don't know when. I don't know anything except for how good her mouth tastes and how good her skin feels.

I sit up, taking her with me, and she wraps her legs around my waist. I can feel her heat against me through her pants. Still too many clothes.

I get on top of her and her hair is fanned out over her head. I don't know how, but I know what to do, it's like my body remembers everything my mind can't. She likes it when I use my mouth. I know that, so I kiss her again, first her mouth, then lower, I pepper soft kisses down her neck, and the soft swell of her breasts.

"Yes Barry," she whispers as I run my tongue over her soft, brown nipple. I start to suck on it and her body shakes under me. It's good that she's shaking, and making those soft noises. I want her to do it more. I want her to say my name louder. I sit up and start to unbutton her pants. I want to touch her the way she was touching me, I want to know if she tastes as good between her legs as she does when she's kissing me. So I peel off her pants, and her panties and I put my fingers inside of her and she gets louder when I do. She's so beautiful when she's making those sounds. Her voice is like music.

_Aww, I love you too_

_I have not been able to stop thinking about you_

I taste my fingers when I pull them out of her, she tastes sweet everywhere. She's grabbing the sheets and her body is tight from head to toe, and I know what to do. I pull her legs apart and put my face where my hand just was, and I listen to her breath really hard when I kiss her there. I put my tongue deeper inside her and feel her tremble against me. I definitely used to do this, the way she pants, the way her hand pulls at my hair, whatever I'm doing it's working.

"Barry!" she yells as my tongue brushes over a slippery little nub, so I do it again. I could do this forever.

_You're still the cutest nerd I know_

_I know how strong you are_

"What do you want me to do?" I ask her as I pull away, because all of a sudden my head is foggy, and I feel hard and achy in my pants and I don't know what to do anymore, but I want to keep being with her like this, it feels so good, It's the first time I've ever felt this good. It feels like floating. I don't ever want it to stop.

"I want you inside me Barry," And she doesn't wait for me to move, she gets me onto my back and pulls my pants the rest of the way down, and she sits on me until she's warm and tight around me. And my body is hers, she can do whatever she wants to it, she can have everything I am. She's moving up and down, her hands are clawing at my chest and it hurts, but I like the way it hurts. I reach up and touch her breasts as she moves up and down, I feel her breasts bounce in my hands. She moves faster and I feel something pull tight inside of me, and I think it might snap at any minute, but it doesn't, it just pulls tighter the faster she moves, oh God I love her, I don't understand it, but I do. I love her with my body, and my heart, and everything inside of me. 

"I love you Barry," She says, her voice strangled and breathy.

"I love you," I say back, barely getting the words out but meaning them all the same.

_Central city believes in the Flash, so do I_

_I love you Barry_

_Central City believes in the flash_

_Barry, I love you_

_Central City Believes in The Flash_

_The Flash_

_So do I_

_You're the Flash._

_I'm the Flash_

"I love you, Iris"

_As long as I remember Iris_

_As long as I remember Iris, I'll be alright._

_Iris._

**Stay Tuned Folks!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You ask that a lot,” she says. I know I probably do, I probably ask everything a lot. She tells me what must be for the dozenth time, about how I disappeared, about how I came to her as my younger self. She tells me about Fate, about how he was supposed to make things different, and how she’s afraid that he didn’t make things different at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back baby! Also, you don't have to reread it or anything, but I made very small changes to chapters one and three, just to fix some continuity errors that ended up coming into play once I got a better handle on where the story was going.

*****Barry*****  
I wanted to be an astronaut when I was young. For about a year in elementary school it was all I could think about. I had a plan, I would study really hard, get into the top schools, ace all of my tests, and NASA would be tripping all over itself to put me in a space shuttle. I would travel at speeds unfathomable to most humans. I would live in the stars for months at a time, seeing and doing things that very few people would ever get to do or see. 

So when I was nine, there was this aerospace exhibit that made its way to the Central City museum, I petitioned adamantly for the class to take the end of the year field trip there, and I got my way because my idea was easily the most educational of the suggestions. I got my ass kicked pretty bad for that one --most of the class had their hearts set on Six Flags Keystone—but it was worth it.

The other kids finally eased up on me once we got there, because the whole class got to take turns on the Gyro Ride, an anti grav simulator that looked like a bunch of interlocking circles spinning around each other. Us kids would be strapped inside and the guide would give it a push and we’d go spinning, upside down and right side up and every which way, faster and faster. It was my first chance to prove myself, If I could ride the anti grav simulator with no fear or other such adverse effects, then Nasa would be a veritable cake walk. That logic must have made sense to me at the time.

When it was my turn, I didn’t hesitate, not even after Lacey Shapiro (I think that was her name) dizzily smacked into one of the surrounding stanchions when she stepped out. When the teacher called me up I strapped on the helmet, stepped onto the platform to let the guide secure me and prepared to ride valiantly. 

It took exactly 35 seconds for me to scream for them to let me off. 

He did let me off, quickly and dutifully, without an ounce of judgment. There was enough of that coming from the other kids, pointing, laughing judgment. That would have been more than enough, but the nerd devil wasn’t finished with me yet. I didn’t want off the gyro ride because I was scared, I wanted off because I had no desire to vomit while spinning wildly in the direct vicinity of everyone I went to school with. I got off just in time to claim only one victim.

Why do I remember this so vividly now? Why is it the only complete memory I’ve been able to hold onto for more than a few moments at a time? Because, the shoes I threw up on that day were hers, and that day was the first day I realized I loved her. 

She wasn’t beautiful yet, she hadn’t quite grown into everything, but to me she was. The way she just kind of looked at me, not with anger or even disgust, but a look of shock that quickly melted into uneasy sympathy. 

In the lunch room I sat alone, I probably sat alone a lot. I ate my sandwich with my head down, just praying for the day to end. I didn’t need to see the Armstrong display, I knew pretty much all there was to know about Neil Armstrong. I just wanted to go home and die and stay dead. And then, she came up to me, I could see her imperfectly cleaned pink tennis shoes just beneath the lunch table.

“Can I sit here?” She said, which I think was the first of many times, because it’s one of those things I hear in my head when I’m here, in her voice, younger and in various cadences but always hers. 

“Sure,” I said in a voice as small as I was, she was taller than me then but I tower over her now.

She sat across from me and reached over and snapped a perforated segment off of my graham cracker.

“I’m eating this,” she said, and did just that. “I think we can agree you owe me one.”

And she smiled, and for the first time since the Gyro Ride, I smiled back.

I don’t remember why I decided I didn’t want to be an astronaut, although it probably had something to do with the vomiting. She tells me I’m a forensic scientist and also the fastest man alive, which sounds pretty good. She also tells me she’s my wife, which sounds better than being the greatest astronaut to ever live. Besides I can’t picture being thousands of miles in the sky while she’s on the ground.

I do remember that that wasn’t the last time she ever stole my food. She does that a lot, and I pretend to be offended but I never really am. 

“Iris,” I say. She’s sleeping now, she’s never really slept before, I think it’s because she stays now. She’s always here, and it makes me feel safe.

“Hmm,” she murmurs.

“Do you think I’ll ever remember, you know, everything?”

Her eyes are wide open now and she sits up to look at me. Her face is thoughtful and a little sad.

“I— I don’t know Bear,” she says. “I mean, you remember the field trip, right?”

“Yeah, I remember it like it just happened.”

She smiles, but there’s something off about her smile.

“That’s the thing Bear,” There’s a small, stray tear running down her cheek that I thumb away. “I don’t”

“Wait, what do you mean?” I scoot up closer.

“I don’t remember it, I don’t remember that day,” she’s crying harder now, and wiping at her own tears. “I don’t know what’s happening to me, the longer I’m here the more I feel like everything is starting to slip away.”

I take her in my arms and start to rock her a bit. I can’t let that happen, I can’t let her forget that she loves me, it’s the only thing I have. 

“Listen there has to be a way out of here,” I say. “You say I’m smart right?”

“You’re the smartest person I’ve ever known.”

“Then I know I can figure this out,” I say. “Tell me again, tell me about how you got here.”

She pulls away from me and wipes the moisture from her long lashes. She looks very sad now.

“I think I died,” she says. “I think that’s why we’re here, I think that’s what this is.”

I shake my head, I refuse to believe that, we can’t be dead. _She_ can’t be dead. 

“No, there has to be more to it than that,” I say. “Tell me, tell me again how you got here.”

She sniffles a bit and tries to straighten her posture, tries to stop her hands from shaking.

“You ask that a lot,” she says. I know I probably do, I probably ask everything a lot. She tells me what must be for the dozenth time, about how I disappeared, about how I came to her as my younger self. She tells me about Fate, about how he was supposed to make things different, and how she’s afraid that he didn’t make things different at all.

“I was supposed to be able to change this,” she says. “That’s what he told me, but nothing has changed. I guess I didn’t want them to. I was selfish. You were happy, you had someone, a good woman that you really loved. Do you remember Patty?”

I try really hard, and for a split second I think I see her in my mind, or maybe I just want to see her, to prove to myself I’m not so lost.

“A blonde woman? Blue eyes? Cop uniform?” I say.

“You’re getting better,” Iris says, giving me a weak smile. “That was Patty, and when you came to me that night, you were with her, you were in love with her. And I ruined it, I ruined everything.”

“Don't say that, that's not true.”

“I make you go wherever I am,” Iris says. “When you travel, I pull you to me, like a magnet. I keep you with me even when you want to move on. And everyone I talk to says it’s just science, that there’s nothing else. But it is, you came to me in 2024 because I needed you. If you would have stayed where you were, none of this would have happened. You never would have seen the things that you saw.”

“But Darkseid, he still would have made all of this happen.”

“You ran after reverse flash because you thought you could protect me, he’d already taken so much from you, you couldn’t let him hurt me. That’s the thing though, He wasn’t real. Reverse Flash is dead, what’s left of him is just a cancer that feeds on time. What you saw him do was an illusion. It’s exactly what Darkseid wanted. He knew you were the only one who could stop him. So he made sure that you couldn't”

“If Reverse Flash couldn’t hurt you, then how could you be dead?”

“I hit the wall pretty hard Bear,” she says. “I failed you, I’m sorry.”

She can’t speak anymore words, she’s sobbing so hard now.

“You didn’t fail me, you could never fail me,” I say. I hug her to me again. “You’re not dead, I know it. I can see you, I can touch you, I can—

I bend my head down to kiss her, I can taste her tears and feel her lips tremble. Before I start to feel lightheaded again, like I do whenever we’re together like this, her body jerks suddenly, and violently away.

“Iris?” I say. She’s doubled over, her hand grasping her head like she’s in a lot of pain.

“Barry I—

And before she can say another word, she’s gone.

*****Iris*****

The ground is cold and hard against my back, my head kills, my neck kills, my vision is blurry as I open my eyes, and I hear a familiar voice.

“You’re nothing, you can’t hurt us!” the familiar voice says. I look to where it’s coming from, and I see a red and yellow blur. “You’re a shadow, you’re not real and you can’t hurt us anymore!”

Somebody is cupping my face, gently, careful not to move me. I look up at him, he’s still out of focus but I know who he is. His forehead is cut and bleeding, but he’s okay.

“It’s all right, you’re going to be all right Iris, stay with me okay?”

I try to nod, but I can’t, I try to say his name, but I can’t do that either. My eyes flutter closed again, and just as soon as I arrived, I’m gone.

*****Barry*****

Just as soon as she left, she’s back again, disoriented and a little scared, but here. This has never happened before, usually she’s gone before I even realize it. Never right before my eyes.

“What happened, where did you go?”

She’s gasping and panting now, trying to find the words.

“I’m, I’m alive Barry,” she says. “For just a second, I was alive. I saw Cisco.”

Cisco, I know Cisco. He’s my best friend next to Iris. And I know him, I know exactly who she means, how can that be?

“And I heard your voice,” she says.

“What does this all mean?”

But she doesn’t have the time to respond, she’s looking at something behind me, and her eyes are wide and scared.

“Barry, he’s here,”

I turn to where she’s looking. There’s never been anyone else here but me and Iris, but now there is, a man in a yellow suit. The virus. He’s there, just standing there, staring at us.

“What the hell is this place?” I say.

“It’s the speedforce, we’re in the speedforce,” she says. “It’s where we’ve been all along.”

I step in front of her protectively, but he’s still not moving, he’s just standing there, staring.

“I know what I need to do,” I say. “You say I ripped a hole through time when I attacked him, maybe I can do that again. Maybe he’s the way back to where we belong.”

“Barry, you can’t, you don’t know what will happen.”

“But I do,” I say. “I’ve figured it out. It has to work.”

“Barry, I don’t feel so good,” she says. She grabs my arm tight. “I think I’m going again.”

“Baby you have to hold on.”

“No, no, I can’t,” She says. “If you’re going to do this, you have to do it now. I believe in you.”

I look at her, and she takes a deep breath, and pulls herself together just enough to shoot him an icy glare. “I know he’s not technically real, but still. Kick his ass.”

She’s gone again, this is it. I ripped my way in here through the hole Reverse Flash created in the speedforce, now I have to rip my way back. So I take a deep breath, and I run as fast as I can. He doesn’t step aside, she doesn’t move, doesn’t attack, and it’s almost like I’m running through him.

I’m running through a tunnel now, and all around me are the fragments of my memory, coming back to me little by little. The more I see and hear in my mind, the faster I run, and faster, and faster until it’s all a big bright light.

I’m on my back now, in my Flash suit again, in a place I know well. There are sparks and smoke everywhere, but it’s here, it’s real. I’m back. And so is he.

“Barry Allen, so young,” he says, I look where he’s looking, at myself in the machine. I'm back to the exact moment I saw Iris die, and it dawns on me, it was me all along. I'm the one who brought Reverse Flash trough the machine. It's all gone full circle.

Younger Barry doesn’t see me standing here. His eyes are locked on Iris, laying there helplessly as Reverse Flash hovers over her. 

"Cisco let me out!" Younger Barry screams helplessly.

"Barry, you have to run, you have to get out of here," Iris screams. 

"I'd do what she says Barry." Reverse Flash says, before he plunges his hand into her chest.

“Iris!” we yell at the same time, me, and the me who’s looking out from the machine. But he can’t do anything about what’s happening. He has to run, he has to go back to his time before it’s too late, so he does. Thank God he does. Because I’ve got this. 

“Hey!” I yell toward Reverse Flash. He pulls his hand out of Iris’s chest and faces me. I can see Cisco coming to out of the corner of my eye. He gets up and goes over to Iris. I don’t know if she’s alive or dead, but the way she responded, I must have been too panicked to realize it before, but it wasn’t like she actually felt anything when his hand went through her chest, her eyes simply closed. I want to go to her too. But I have to stop him, otherwise all of this will have been for nothing. 

“You’re not real!” I say to him. “She told me everything.”

“Barry Allen, so young,” He says again, like an automaton.

“No, I’m not actually, but nice try," I say.

“I would do what she says Barry,” He says again. And Iris was right, he isn’t real, not real enough to hurt us. Even still, I have to stop him before he destroys the speedforce. But how?

“You’re nothing, you can’t hurt us!” I yell. “You’re a shadow, you’re not real and you can’t hurt us anymore!”

“Iris, stay with me okay?” Cisco says. He’s hovered over her now, and her eyes are open. She’s okay, well, she’s alive at least.

“Barry Allen, so young,” Reverse Flash says again, stepping toward me. I know it’s probably not a good idea, but I reach out to touch him. It’s not like putting my hand though air, there’s something there, something warm and slightly electrified, but barely tangible nonetheless. How can I stop him? How can I defeat him without ending up where I was before? I know he can’t physically hurt me, but as long as he’s here he’s feeding on the speedforce, as long as he’s here, darkseid can attack us at any time.

“Barry?” Iris says in a weak voice.

“It’s okay baby, I’m right here,” I want to go to her so badly, but if I don’t end this now there won’t be a _her_ to go back to. 

And just then, it hits me. 

“Cisco, turn on the Machine!”

“I’ll be right back, okay?” Cisco says gently to Iris. I just hope it still works. Some of the equipment is damaged, but the machine itself is still standing. Cisco gets up to press the appropriate buttons, and the lights flash on.

“What are you doing Barry?” Cisco hollers over the whirring sound of the machine.

“The machine redirects the speedforce,” I say. “Maybe it can overwhelm him enough to take him out.”

He won’t even try to protect himself, he can’t. He needed me to attack him so I’d end up in that unknown place. His only job was to “kill” Iris, to set this whole thing in motion.  
I know I can’t move him physically, he’s just energy, I have to get him to follow me. I know he will, I'm the only one he'll follow anywhere. So I step into the bright light emitting from it.

“I’d do what she says Barry,” he says as he steps onto the platform after me.

“Set it to as far as it will possibly go,” I tell Cisco.

“I can’t send anything that far Barry. The earth as we know it won’t even exist after 5 billion years. The solar climate wi--”

“Then set it to 5 billion and one,” I say, interrupting him.

“That’ll destroy the machine,” he protests.

“And him too, just do it!”

So he listens, and before he can send him into oblivion, I hop off the platform just in time.

“Barry Allen, so youn—

Before he can get the words out, he’s gone, in a blinding flash of light. Him, the machine, both gone.

“Oh, snap,” Cisco says, “We did it.”

“Yeah,” I say. Not able to believe it myself. “We did.”

“You owe me a new time machine by the way.”

*****Iris*****

I don’t know how long I’ve been out, I feel like crap, total, complete crap. But I’m alive. After everything, I’m 100 percent alive. I try to move my neck, and a sharp pain shoots through my body. Okay, I guess I’m more like 90 percent alive.

“Hey you,” I look up to see Caitlin standing there, reading a chart.  
“Cait?” my voice is like gravel being pushed through a rusty pipe. “Are you all right?”

“Am _I_ all right?” she says cold vapor escaping her blue lips. “I should be asking you that. Fractured skull, two fractured vertebrae in your neck. You’re lucky to be alive. 

“But I am? Alive, I mean?”

“Very much so, and with proper physical therapy you should be a hundred percent again in a few months.”

“So I’m not paralyzed?”

“Your spinal cord luckily wasn’t damaged in the collision. But you won’t be able to move so well for awhile.”

I move my eyes instead, toward the smell of roses and lilies. There are more flowers in here than a funeral home.

“You're working again?” I ask her.

“Well, just small things, like X-rays. It’s good to be out of the house more, besides when heard all that happened, I had to see you.”

I smile weakly. “I’m glad you did.”

It doesn’t feel real, to be here, alive. But it is real. We’re alive.

We’re alive

 _Barry’s_ alive.

He was there, he was the one who chased Reverse Flash through the machine. I was just too busy getting my head broken to see him. But he was there, I heard his voice. I saw him. I couldn’t have hallucinated all of that. My husband is alive.

“Barry, where is Barry?” I say frantically, I want to look around for him, but I can’t move my neck.

“Barry is okay,” Caitlin says. And I breath a sigh of relief. “Thanks to you. He remembers everything, being trapped in the speedforce with you. I just don’t understand how you were there with him. It defies all scientific explanation.”

I smile as wide as my head to toe soreness will allow. Fate was right all along, he did give me the power to change everything, by leaving it be, I changed it. Me dying happened because it was supposed to, the only way my consciousness could leave my body and find Barry, was for me to die. It felt like I was gone for years, but it was probably just a few seconds.

“It wasn’t science,” I say. “It was Fate.”

“I’ll go call Barry,” she says, I can tell she doesn’t quite believe, or understand, but she doesn’t have to understand it for it to be real. “I literally had to force him to go home and shower, you were out for six days Iris.”

She gets out her phone and dials Barry.

“Hey, Barry, she’s awa—

And just like that, he’s here, hair still damp from the shower, water seeping through his clothes, he could have toweled off in a nanosecond, but that was too long apparently.

“Iris, oh thank God,” Barry says, coming up to me and grabbing my hand in his. “You’re okay.”

He kisses my dry, chapped lips, and I can feel his warm tears land on my face. 

“My breath must be atrocious,” I say as he pulls back, and he just laughs through his happy tears, and kisses me again.

I can feel myself getting stronger day by day. I think it’s seeing everyone, happy, alive, happy that I’m alive. I think all of it is healing me faster. Barry barely leaves my side, only when Wally needs backup. He may have destroyed the negative speedforce, but there is still evil out there that needs to be dealt with.

Seeing my kids again fills me with about ten different emotions at once. Caitlin warns them not to jump on me, but I wish like hell that they could. It’s been so long since I’ve seen them happy, since I’ve heard them yell “mommy” like there’s something they can’t wait another minute to tell me. It’s been so long since I’ve felt like my life was still ahead of me, not just my death. 

And there really is so much to look forward too. Driving my children to their first day of high school, then college. Growing old, having little speedster grandchildren, watching Barry save the world whenever it needs saving, and saving Barry whenever he needs saving. Because everyone, from the intrepid reporters of the world, to fastest men alive, they all need saving sometimes.

**Stay tuned for the epilogue folks!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a couple of reasons I took so long to update. For one, my computer was out of commission for awhile. Secondly, yes, I'm pretty damn irritated with what the show is doing to my otp, and yes I'm sort of just ready for Patty to leave at this point so I can enjoy it the way I used to. But I had to finish this story for the same reason I started it, to give them Barry and Iris the love story they deserve. I think I've always understood them and why they are so drawn to each other, and even if I can't spin as exciting or coherent an action story as the showrunners can, I can at least convey what I love about these characters, and specifically these character as a unit, in my own words, so I did exactly that. There is going to be an epilogue to wrap everything up, it should be posted within the next few days.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We've moved into the light now and things are just different. I won't even say that we're happy now, we were always happy, in spite of everything. What we are is content, stable, optimistic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you enjoy the final entry of my Westallen time travel story, it was a lot of fun to spend time with these characters and share my interpretation of them with you. I hope to write more Westallen, although at the moment I am busy with an original work. Now I know you won't be familiar with the characters or the world, but I think what I'm working on has the makings of a strong first novel. If you would like to support a fledgling author and give it a read, please follow the link posted in the end note. And with that, Merry Christmas and happy reading!

Christmas is my favorite time of the year, hands down, and I think this Christmas might just be the best one ever. It was so close to not happening at all. 

When I got out of the hospital it was a little difficult to get back into the swing of things. Being stranded in the speedforce does a number on your psyche. There were times that I was totally convinced we had never escaped at all. I would find myself back in that room, alone and cold. I couldn't even find Barry, my one bit of solace in that place. But then I would wake up, sweating and scrambling for some semblance of reality. 

"Iris? Hey, hey it's alright," He'd say, stilling me in his arms. "It was just a dream, you're here, you're home."

Barry didn't have the nightmares. I think it's because his mind and body were equipped to be there, he's always been a natural part of it, while as I was more of an imposter. But hell, I got there, and I stuck around long enough to save him, so yeah. Take that speedforce.

I'm past the worst of it now though and more than ready to get back to my life, starting with throwing the merriest damn Christmas this side of Santa's village. I've been up since the crack of dawn putting together our meal, of course Barry is a great help when I don't actually ask him to mix ingredients together. He chops onions and celery faster than a food processor set to 'time warp' and his apple peeling? Forget about it. Of course he likes to sleep in during this time so I only wake him up when I need something prepped in a hurry. It's no more of an inconvenience for him than getting up for a bathroom break.

I missed cooking with Don, my little helper. I show him how to make a perfect crust with flour, ice water, cold butter and vodka. And he makes little shapes with the dough to put on top of the crust; holly and Berries, little snowmen, stars.

Dawn finishes _The Grinch Who Stole Christmas_ and _The Mitten_ without needing me to sound out any of the words for her, then she picks up my beaten up copy of _A Christmas Carol_ and gives it a try. That one she needs my help with, but she still powers through the first chapter, then the second, I always had a feeling those Doctor Seuss books were too simple for her. She's the smartest little girl I've ever met, smart like her father. It's times when I realize once again how bright she is that I'm especially happy Barry's back, I'd hate having to help her with her homework by myself when the time comes. But Don, he's like me; stubborn, smart alecky, aces in the kitchen. They're the best of both of us.

"When's uncle Wally coming?" Don asks as he sprinkles his lovely sculpted snowflake with shiny crystal sugar.

"Who knows?" I say. "He's proposing to Aunt Linda before they come over, he's probably a nervous wreck."

"Not me," Don says. "If I was going to propose to Meloni I wouldn't be nervous at all."

"Wait a hot second," I say standing the mixing spoon up in the sweet potato filling. "Who is Meloni?"

"She's a girl in my class, she has freckles and hair like a carrot."

Maybe he's more like his father than I realized. I try hard to contain my laughter, and it comes out a soft, sputtering chuckle.

"What's this word, Daddy?" I look over my shoulder to see Barry, bedheaded and still dressed in his pajamas, sitting next to Dawn on the couch.

"Prostrate," Barry says. "That means lying down."

"Ohh," she says. "Prostrate prostrate prostrate," she repeats, trying to commit it to memory. "What's this one?"

"Incessant," Barry says. "It means neverending."

"Incessant incessant incessant." She says. "Can I put a 'ly on the end of it, like incessantly?"

"Sure you can," Barry says.

"I was afraid that you were going to be gone incessantly," she says. Barry looks like he might cry, the way I feel whenever they talk about what happened. He hugs her to him, setting his chin atop her spongy curls.

"I love you sweetheart," he says in nearly a whisper.

***

Once the food is all cooked, the tree is trimmed, and Barry looks slightly less homeless, we gather on the couch to watch _Elf_ and wait for our guests. Cisco and Mari are the first to arrive, carrying gifts for the twins under their arms

"Mari, Mari, guess what," Dawn says. "I read three chapters of _A Christmas Carol!_ " 

"Wow, really?" Mari says. "I didn't read that until I was 13."

"Mommy and Daddy helped me," Dawn says.

"Well maybe they can help you with this one," Mari says, handing her the book shaped gift.

She tears the paper off and lights up at the cover.

"This is about a girl who reads so much, she gets smart enough to move things with her mind. She kind of reminds me of you," Mari says. 

"Thank You!" She says hugging Mari around the waist.

"And this one's for you," Cisco says, handing Don a gift that's a little harder to guess from the shape alone. He peels the tape carefully until the wrapping comes off in one sheet.

"Nyunchucks!" Don exclaims.

"Really Cisco?" I say

"They're padded," Cisco says. I shake my head in gradual amusement.

The rest of the guests pour in little by little, all bringing gifts and donning their gay apparel. Dad even brings Ashley, who's still getting used to the whole idea of dating into the Flash Family. Linda comes with Wally's hand clasped tightly in hers, the engagement ring on her free one catches the light from the tree, making it look as happy as she is. I think she's plenty used to the idea.

When my friends hug me now they do it the right way, no holding back. I've been healed for some time but it took awhile for them to get over that fear of breaking me. Barry was especially cautious, and when I say cautious I mean I didn't get laid for four months, even though I was pretty much back to normal at three.

My spine isn't the only thing back to normal. The events of the last few months, few years really, are starting to feel farther away. Our love and our family has always had this darkness surrounding it, because we knew the terrible place it was heading. We've moved into the light now and things are just different. I won't even say that we're happy now, we were always happy, in spite of everything. What we are is content, stable, optimistic. I saw my son all grown up, and I will again one day, I'll see his sister too. She doesn't have to die in this new world that we created. She can have everything she deserves, and we'll be there to see it all happen. I can have thoughts like this now, and it feels good and real.

There's a ring at the door, and I'm snapped out of my happy thoughts. We aren't expecting any other guests, and even if we were, they should know to come on in by now. Cisco goes for the door, and when he comes back to the living room he looks confused.

"Umm, Iris. There's a... sorceror here to see you?" he says.

I go for the door, happy that everyone else seems to be distracted by either gifts, food, or big engagement talk. I get to the door and my breath catches at the sight of him. He's not wearing the helmet, or the ankh, and he doesn't seem to be hovering. Still, there's that strange sort of aura around him that makes him appear not quite real.

"Iris West, didn't mean to intrude on the festivities," he says.

"You're not intruding at all," I say. "You should come in, I'm sure everyone would love to meet you."

"I can not stay," he says. "I just wanted to tell you how greatly you impressed me. By saving Barry from the speedforce, you played a large part in the continued survival of our world."

I try not to look too flustered at the compliment, but it's not everyday a magical being congratulates you on helping save the world.

"Well, if you hadn't done your abra cadabra thing with my soul I never would have found him, so I should be thanking you."

He bows his head graciously. I can't help but feel I'm looking at a gentler, more humble Fate than the one I met in that dark, hopeless future. But of course, why wouldn't he be?

"So you sure you don't want to come in, we have pie."

"And I have a very long way to travel," he says. "Besides, I'm convinced that small man who answered the door is going to ask me a lot of questions I can't answer."

"That's a good point," I say. "Don't be a stranger Doc, you never know when we might need a little magic to go with all this science."

He answers me with a sly smile as he backs away, disappearing before my eyes.

Just then Cisco rushes up next to me, camera phone and voice recorder in hand.

"Aww man, you couldn't have stalled him just a few more seconds?" Cisco says. I chuckle and shut the door, and we return to the living room.

"Hey, what was that all about?" Barry asks, draping his arm around me.

"It was about destiny," I say.

"Am I supposed to understand what you mean by that?"

"Don't worry" I say, and I kiss him, just because I can. "I'll tell you all about it later."

**That's all folks!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3273077/1/The-Straight-Edge-Gospel


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